I need help with my social anxiety and general lack of confidence.

[JillAnderson]

Ive had social anxiety since I can remember. I was extremely shy as a child and suspect I even had mutism at some point. Its affected every part of my life and I'm not sure how I've managed to get married, have children and a job but I have.

I'm still very quiet, hold back, get nervous with every interaction and I've just created a life that requires only a comfortable level of interaction with people.

I had a PDR work my team manager and she asked me what I thought my strengths were and said "like is it talking to people, speaking up in meetings, making connections etc". My heart sank. It was obviously a dig at me.

I answered her question and we moved on but for the rest of the day it's been niggling away at me. It brought back all those horrible feelings I used to get before when I was younger where people used to mock me for being shy. I spent my teen tears crying myself to sleep hating myself for being like this.

Anyway, I don't want this post to turn into a sob story but I feel it's high time I really try to tackle this. I get I'm a bit old and I have improved over the years but it's so little and id really like to start making a conscious effort to improve.

I know there's some fabulously confident people on MN with fantastic social skills and id love to hear some of your ideas of how to improve.

Therapy. You became like this in childhood for a reason. I was a shy child snd teenager, because my mother brought up me and my sisters in the belief that shy girls are liked, and the worst thing you could be was a visibly confident woman. We all spent our twenties realising this was bullshit, and figuring out our own way, but those scripts can be hard to discard even when you know they’re damaging.

What taught you to be shy? Or what taught you that speaking up for yourself, confident communication or drawing attention to yourself were dangerous? And what benefits were/are there for you in shyness?

Well you’re married, have a family and a job so I think you’re doing v well. Your boss didn’t approach it v well. My last boss basically said my lack of confidence was causing issues which made things much worse. I am in my 40s and have decided it’s a balance between pushing myself but also accepting myself as I am. I have joined a new group to do a hobby and am meeting some new people. That feels good. I’m never going to be a massive extrovert and that is ok. That said, I took Sertraline for depression and although not the purpose it got me out of the worst of my social anxiety (I was really struggling to socialize at all at that point). You’ll get there. If your boss says that kind of thing again I would ask them to clarify what they mean.

Good points by @Vissi

I took was very shy, selective mutism etc and even now (41) I'm not keen on and don't find inate chit chat very easy or indeed fulfilling to be honest! I like the right people and with them I find things alot easier.

Ironically my job as a nurse really helped my social skills - why on earth I chose it as a career given my levels of self worth, lack of conversation and introverted personality hahah but hey ho it definately helped get the ball rolling.

Secondly I have met and worked with some amazing role models and mentors along the way who have really taken me under their wing and shown me that I am perfect just the way that I am, been patient and just allowed me to be me.

Lastly, I have had a few cycles of CBT which helped. I realised alot of my problems were from v low self esteem and self worth. I've done alot of work on my self confidence and my ways of thinking around this, including giving less of a fuck what other people think and alot of self acceptance. It's taken I would say about 10-12 years to get to where I am now, I started saying yes to everything and every invitation and this helped me overcome things and in turn gain confidence and squash my self doubt. Before I would have made an excuse or said I was ill at the last minute. Literally practice makes perfect and unless you put yourself in those positions you can't change your thoughts processes, the brain needs practice.

I'm still anxious in some social situations but happy I can hold my own now, and also happy to just be me and if that's being one the quieter side then so be it - there are plenty of us out there!! Id recommend a book called the quiet, the power of the introvert, really spins it around and helped me see the benefits and strengths of this in an extroverted world.

Gosh, I can go on for an age talking about where I may have developed this at such a young age. I came from a home with a very angry and violent father. I lived in fear. Stay out of the way, stay safe was my motto. So I guess I stayed quiet. My siblings would bully me as I was alot younger than them and I was just an outlier in the family.

If I stood up for myself, id get even more backlash so I stayed quiet. I could go on. But yes, I think to stay safe, meant I need to be quiet and take crap and not stick up for myself.

I can't afford therapy but do you think some self help therapy books might help? No idea if there's such a thing as self therapy!

That reminds me, my previous boss handed me a leaflet about being confident or something saying it might help me. She was coming from a good place and not being horrible so I know some people are genuinely nice about it which is very rare and refreshing. Unfortunately she retired shortly after I started.

Doing a hobby is a fab idea! No idea what I can do though. There's not that many groups round near me but I'm sure I will find something. What hobby are you doing, if you don't mind sharing?

There's a free NHS service I was introduced to a few years ago by a midwife called SilverCloud. There's different CBT programmes you can work through, I found it useful and have recently logged on again for a refresher:

Silvercloud

Its interesting that the people you mention have noticed that you should be more confident than you are, if that makes sense?

That sounds like such an unfair childhood and I am not sure of any books that could tackle these issues - perhaps someone else can help. If you want to read something about confidence itself I have enjoyed The Confidence Code by Kay & Shipman and Anna Mathur’s “Know your Worth”. Perhaps a bit superficial but I also find my confidence boosting playlist really helps! Good luck!!

@Twistywinter thank you so much I'll check.it out.

I'm not sure, what is significant about others noticing I need to be more confident. I must be give off an air of low self worth, 😔

It sounds like they value you and want to hear more from you, want to see you be more of a leader in the team? I think it is a good thing?

There's a workbook called Get Out of your head and into your Life by Steven Hayes.

This book is aimed at making you question whether enabling your anxiety to keep yourself safe is really that useful a strategy, when it comes to being who you really want to be.

Mine is a running club where we go for a drink after. It took me a while to get one which clicked for me. The first was a huge group and it was too much, this one you run in a small group and that is better for me. I think for me just being realistic about what I wanted really helped. I am not going to be an Uber confident person always at big parties, but I did want to be able to meet new people and go to social events without panicking. I still avoid some things but am way better than I was. Good luck!

Find a way to cut back elsewhere to afford it. I literally cut our food budget and took on some freelancing. It’s not a nice optional extra.

You learned that shy and withdrawn was ‘safe’, so you adapted to your surroundings as a survival mechanism. It worked. Now it’s no longer working, it’s actively holding you back.