To consider not going to any of the weddings

[Theresaroachinmyshed]

For background to explain my slight resentment, dp and I aren’t married and likely never will. It used to be important to me but he ummed and ahhhed and couldn’t decide if he wanted to, he blew hot and cold, said he’d propose then didn’t so I gave up and said I don’t want us to marry as it caused me to feel like I wasn’t important. I checked out of the relationship mentally after that and we split briefly but we’ve been working on things and I’m finally seeing that marriage isn’t the be all these days. I still feel some sadness at not being married or experiencing a wedding of my own but I can ignore it now and not let it bother me how it used to.

So dp has some relatives with upcoming weddings. His dad is marrying his long term partner, she hasn’t stopped rubbing it in my face she will be Mrs X and I won’t ever be. She worded it like a joke so it didn’t appear spiteful. They’ve asked DD6 to be bridesmaid but not my DD10 from my previous relationship who they consider their granddaughter too, apparently.

dp cousin wedding is on my birthday after Christmas, I’m not fussed about my birthday as it generally gets ignored but they have a dress code and it’s quite a distance, we won’t have the spare money for that after Christmas. This is a cousin he rarely sees.

dp best friend is getting married to his partner of 1 year who just had their baby, next week. I’ve never met the girlfriend and would feel awkward. It’s a small wedding with no official invite, dp really wants to go to support his friend but doesn’t want to go alone. I have no interest in going to weddings of people I barely know.

2 friends are also newly engaged with planned 2025 weddings. They are already bridezillas so I know the day itself will be exhausting.

I probably sound bitter but I’m genuinely happy for all these people, I just don’t particularly want to be at weddings every month watching other’s experience what I never will. I’m not great with socialising or small talk so that alone is giving me anxiety. Plus the costs and finding something to wear.

Would I be wrong to not bother with any of the weddings? Obviously FIL wedding is a tricky one but I don’t like how they’re happily causing a divide between two sisters. Has anyone else been in a similar position?

Do you want to be legally joined to your partner by marriage/CP? Would it benefit you and/or him?

Regardless of romance and emotional commitment, have you weighed up the legal consequences of marriage/CP... and if so, what position would you be in compared to now?

Marriage isn't the be all I agree, however, what it does afford you is a lot more security should anything ever happen to your DP. I lost my DH very young in an accident. Luckily we were married, but his family, who prior I'd had a great relationship with, basically tossed me aside once DH had passed. I dread to think what would have happened had I not had marital rights. They were quite difficult regarding the funeral etc. I was blind sided by their behaviour. Maybe grief, but they weren't supportive and were quite nasty. Having DC Marriage affords so much more security for you. This has nothing to do with your question, but just wanted to explain my situation and how Marriage helped afford me some control over my future I otherwise wouldn't have had.

If you dont want to go - then dont go

Tell him "marriage is not important to you, so its not to me either, so I wont be going to any with you"

Also - if he doesn't support Marriage, why is he interested in supporting other people's Weddings?? Very hypocritical imo.

The last wedding i was invited to i went to spain for a week and said they was no way i could get back in time.

The OP doesn't say that he doesn't support marriage as a concept. He doesn't want to get married. Or not to the OP at least. That's different.

OP - your issue here is with your DP, these weddings are just a symptom. You are clearly fundamentally unhappy with the fact that he doesn't want to marry you, so what is it that is keeping you in the relationship?

This is an enormous thing to compromise on, and you're clearly not happy about it. You can't force him to marry you (and nor should you try), but you can control your own response, and this is something that you could reasonably end the relationship over.

On a side note, I find it a bit weird that you describe your DH's best friend as someone that you "barely know". If you barely know his best friend, how much are you involved in each other's lives? Do you feel as though your relationship is compartmentalised, rather than being integrated into his life and wider friends and family?

Once someone starts engaging into this kind of tit for tat behaviour, the relationship is basically over IMO. Relationships are founded on mutual respect, trust and cooperation, not point scoring.

Im guessing you have made sure you are not financially disadvantaged by not being married?
How long have you been together, any children?

I think that would be a bit odd, and suggests the problem in your relationship is not as sorted as you're pretending it is. It seems very petty.

I'm not married, mainly because my partner is anti-marriage. I'd hate a big wedding but would prefer the security of knowing it's all sorted legally - would be happiest to just sign a form. However, we've done everything we can to get that sorted without marriage (wills, insurance, POA etc), and I'm quite content. (I am also quite cynical and do not think marriage is the be all and end all, as evidenced by various friends getting screwed over in divorces. Marrying a rich man is not a win, they can afford expensive lawyers!)

I've been to tons of weddings for his family and friends, and it never even occurred to me not to go because we're not married. Completely irrelevant. They want a wedding, I'm happy to go to celebrate with them. For the distant relatives I might suggest DP goes alone, but tbh he probably wouldn't want to go anyway. If you don't go to your FIL's wedding it will cause a family rift, which is just a bore. Suck it up and go anyway, you need to be a grown up about this.

You haven't accepted that he won't marry you despite what you have written.

The issue with your daughter is something that is regularly raised on here. It seems to be fairly common where children who are not blood related are excluded when it comes to some family events.
If you don't want to go to the weddings then why would you? How will your older daughter feel seeing her sister as part of the wedding party?

Just tell your partner you are not going. He wants to support his friend but doesn't want to go alone? Tough. Tell him you are not interested in holding his hand and time for him to stand on his own two feet. Tell him while you've accepted he doesn't want to marry you that you are not prepared to watch him endorse other's weddings.

Well for me it would be over, but the OP has not made the decision its over. She will probably one day

Yanbu. You don’t have to do wifey duty if you don’t get to be a wife.