No problem. Glad it helped a little bit to know you are not alone.
Yip been on AD's for years (got them on repeat perscription) and the doctors never question it.
Took me till I was about 40 to starting making sense of alot of the bad, destructive decisions I had made.
I would need alot of therapy to fix myself and quite honestly I'm too old and knackered and the cost of private therapy for a long time is huge.
I accepted a long time ago I was not suited to relationships as stable, peaceful relationships make me very on edge waiting for the abuse/violence to start.
If good things happen I am stressed waiting for it to fall apart (in my childhood good things never lasted). Sometimes the stress is so bad I destroy it myself for 'relief'
I was married for a time but divorced now.
Lots of unhealthy coping strategies - overeating, isolating myself, worrying alot, used to be a perfectionist and still am in lots of ways, OCD, etc.
To the outside world I look perfectly normal apart from the extra weight (which is getting out of hand to be honest). Inside though I am a fucked up, unstable child that never grew up, can't cope with rejection at all and am very scared of angry people.
People who have good, stable childhoods with kind parents who teach them good coping skills and a solid foundation to build upon are very, very lucky.
I have no idea how much my bad start robbed from me till later in life when I began to make sense of things. My self esteem is in the toilet.
I think life for us is just a struggle to get through it. I do often think death will be a relief as it will be the first time ever I have truly been at peace from the turmoil inside my head.
You are not alone.