Am I obsessed (or over invested) with my ex's wife ? my ex from over 30 years ago

[ummmmmmmmbongo]

I don't want my ex back and never have or will. We were 18 at the time we split up. No living together, no commitments, it was not long term.

Over the years I have been curious to see how he is/where he is in life. Just curiosity. He married the first girl he met after me. I am happily married too.

His wife has a very high profile job, £100k a year. I envy her so much with how well put together she is dress wise. She is not stunning but certainly makes the very best of herself, She has a lot of lovely clothes, accessories etc . I can see this from what she posts on social media. I saw her in the beauty salon the other day. I don't know if she knows who I am, possibility she might do from all those years ago. She didn't see me but yet again she looked amazing in her casual but well put together clothes. She seems to have her head firmly on her shoulders work wise. She is the head of a very large company.

I am in my dowdy clothes with hair just about brushed. I am a senior manager on £50k

I am just in total awe of her and regularly check her out on SM (is that stalking?).

to add - whereas a £100k salary would be fantastic, I would not want this due to the level of commitment that would be required. I am happy with my £50k salary and home/work balance with no commitment to work outside my contracted hours. I would have loved to be a high flyer but my mental capacity and home set up would not cope with the long hours and expectations the salary would warrant.

Make the changes you want to see. If you want to have better hair and be more polished pay for it. If better clothes are a priority, buy them. But for the love of god leave the poor woman alone, follow those influencers on social media who invite this type of attention, not some poor woman going about her life

I think this sounds pretty unhealthy to be honest. The checking her out on social media does sound a bit obsessive. It sounds like you're not happy with where you are at and like a PP said, if that's the case focus on your own life.

Yes, this sounds pretty bonkers actually. I think it’s okay to have an interest in ex’s new partners. I have a mild curiosity about mine. One of my ex’s cheated on me with someone, we broke up, they were married within 6 months and have had a very public fertility journey (it’s over 20 years later and they’ve never been able to have a child). I feel a little bit serves you right for being such jerks.

I have another ex who married a woman who was pretty much his mum’s age, a good 20 years older at least and now has like step grandchildren who are nearing adulthood (we are in our 40s, my actual children are still primary age). It’s a bit odd in a car crash sort of way. He was a bit of a delinquent, always stealing cars and getting arrested for drunken fights, so it’s odd he’s ended up married to someone’s nan. I am vaguely interested, but not that much.

I think it sounds like you need to put this aside and work on yourself. Besides she will almost certainly know you are checking out her social media, because the algorithms will throw up or people you know up to her in ways that will make it obvious, and that’s a bit awkward.

I think it's a bit much. And from the perspective of someone who's been stalked by someone's ex, she very likely does know.

DH had two exes before me. One was our mutual friend (love her, she introduced us), another was a woman he didn't actually even sleep with - just went out on a date a few times and he just didn't fancy her, but gave her the option to be friends...which she declined. She's still stalking me 10 years later. She's been pulled up on it by mutual friends and acquaintances, and fully admits nothing ever happened between them, but to her DH is "the one who got away". 🙄 She wanted/wants the life I've got, and was actually trying to get into a similar career as me.

It got pretty creepy for a while tbh. I used to have an Instagram (I sell hand made historical costumes sometimes, as a hobby), and she created so many different accounts to watch me. Had her hair cut in the same style by the same hairdresser. Started changing her own clothing style to mimic mine. I deleted Instagram after the pandemic, but she still occasionally accidentally (drunkenly, I assume) "likes" a profile picture on FB.

I'd really suggest focusing on yourself. It's not healthy, and this woman owes you nothing. I've already said to DH if it escalates again I'm calling the police, and he's fully on side (he'd broached doing it before), so don't underestimate her finding out and seeing red. I know you're not going all out like the woman I know, but who knows if you carry on down this rabbit hole.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

stop cyber stalking these people and put all that energy into yourself and thinking about ways you can work on yourself to make yourself feel more fulfilled and happy in your own life.

I think it's fine so long as you keep a healthy distance don't take it any further. Nothing wrong with a bit of curiosity.

If she didn't want people to know about her life she wouldn't be posting all over open social media.

How often do you look? I’m not sure it’s healthy to be honest

I would never take it further, no way. I look about every 6 weeks or so. Sometimes a few months. I look with envy and certainly no screen shots or anything. No way. There would be no point.

This is completely mad. He’s not even really an ‘ex’ as you were barely an adult when you split up, and it was 30 years ago! You have about as much connection to this woman as you would to someone you once shared a bus shelter with.,

I personally wouldn’t do something like this. As long as you don’t take it further then you’re probably alright to continue.

What you are doing to yourself doesn’t sound healthy. Comparing yourself to this person seems only, to make you feel worse about yourself.

You say that you’re happy with where you are and what you have, because the rational part of your head tells you that you don’t want the stress and commitment of a more demanding career. Are you happy?

you don’t need to be on a 6 figure salary to be well put together. You have a salary way above many, and a senior manager role is something that many mums would love to have, and you know that. If you want to be better groomed, do that.

I would try and understand why you feel so drawn to this lady, outside of the excuse of curiosity. What are you not happy about, in yourself. Focus much more time on finding your own peace and joy.

most of my days, I’m in active wear and hoodies. My hair is in a pony tail and I’m in cosy socks. Yes, there are mums who put makeup and nice clothes on for the school run, and that may make them feel better. If I looked at their social media pages, I’m such I’d feel a LOT worse about me become comfortable / too comfortable.