"Friend" is an abuser

[RoundandSad]

Bear with if some of this is a jumble I am shocked.
I just found out that someone in our lovely local friend group has a conviction for domestic violence and was in jail before we met him

I can't help thinking that domestic violence has to be very serious to warrant Prison sentence and all the information might not be in the online report. It looks awful and it might be worse than it looks.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if everyone else knows. He is related to the person I would describe as the queen bee of the group so she definitely knows - she must know.

I don't want to lose close friends but I am really shocked and I don't know what to do. Should I tell other women in the group?

How did you find out. I'd leave the group but keep in touch with the people you want to stay in touch with.

I'd leave, unfortunately this is the sad aspect of getting older. People have shown their spots

Queen bee will most likely defend, so save the contact details of those you would like to see independently

None of your business whatsoever to be gossiping about. Ensure his wife knows if you want but totally irrelevant to anyone else.

How close are you to them and are they dating a friend?

I'm wondering if a Claire's Law request might be appropriate?

Definitely warn the other women.

It's really not

How did you find out ? Just thinking this might have some bearing on how many other people know/ who knows.

I’d find it totally relevant if I was inadvertently becoming friends with a person who had been given a prison sentence for battering a member of their family.

So you don't think it's possible to reform?
Do you know the full story?
I'd be very cautious about telling anyone, for my own safety and that he might have worked on himself and be trying to rebuild his life.

I'd want to keep in touch with all except him

do I let one bad apple spoil the whole barrel

tbh I found out because I didn't feel comfortable around him today in the pub and he was drunk and said something about his past that didn't add up with his CV. We only really talk about work as similar fields. I don't really talk to him much. He comes out a lot but doesn't talk much. Is divorced and has children EOW so quite busy and not a fixture at every event

anyway I googled him

one of the first results was this court report. His name is unusual. Also the age and description of his line of work is spot on. It is definitely him. I know the street he lived on before divorce and that's the address shown.

What does reforming look like @OttersAreMySpiritAnimal ? I think anyone who’d seriously reformed after such a serious offence would accept that they can never be trusted to have an intimate partner again.

I would stay in the group but keep away from him.

@RoundandSad unless he is her brother or an immediate family member, she may very well not know of the history! and it is bad if he has been imprisoned!

Absolutely this.

Out of interest, why would you need to keep quiet in case it endangers your safety?

I think she does

she is big on church and forgiveness and he lived there when he first came

I feel furious

I suppose we don't know anyone's past but when you do know, how can you ignore it

this is violence
im really shocked
one person has asked if I believe in second chances

not for this

No idea, it's not something I have direct experience or knowledge of, but isn't that the aim of prison? No reoffending? I know, not in the real world right 🤷

Because if he is violent and finds out that you've told people then he could seek retribution perhaps? Surely it's only sensible to avoid angering someone who could be dangerous.

I would definitely give him a wide berth. I don't believe that anyone who can do that type of thing is ever fully 'rehabilitated'.
Just keep in touch with others that you like. If they're good friends they will be happy to meet with you separately. I personally wouldn't have an issue with asking the others if they know anything about his past? You don't need to actually spell it out but I would want to see how much they knew.

You didn't feel comfortable around him before you knew any of this. That is reason enough to never socialise with him.

If it's the first thing that comes up when you google his name then it's not a secret. There's no reason for him to assume that you informed people.

Won't let me quote - but you can't hold that A) it's too dangerous to tell him you know and B) he might have reformed so best give him a chance as simultaneous positions without some mental gymnastics

Op: you know what you know. I know so many people who excuse it, swallow the explanation. It doesn't matter how you know, but you've got a heads up that this person isn't a great person to hang around with

It's only ever in a group

I don't have to spend time with just him

but I really wonder who else knows and I feel he should not have been allowed into the group

I think he might be dangerous to know yes

Fucks sake. I can't believe this. They don't give prison lightly do they

Paddington "Op: you know what you know. I know so many people who excuse it, swallow the explanation"

have you been in this type of situation
do people really excuse it