Can STBXH stop me speaking to school/GP about our son with possible ADHD

[MirandaPomander]

I'm starting to wonder if DS (7) might have ADHD. Myself and his father are recently seperated and in the process of getting divorced.

Background: I have struggled with DS's behaviour for some years now, and DH has been of the opinion that he does not have an issue and that it is my handling of the situation that causes problems. I think he behaves worse for me because I am his "safe" person.
When we were together, his approach when my son misbehaved for me was to leave me to it because he said that he could "step in" and make him behave but he wanted me to be able to handle him by myself. I have a lot of anxieties over my parenting skills now, especially that I am now on my own with the kids about half the time.

I am now planning to speak to the school about my ADHD concerns. I've told STBXH this and he is not happy that I've made this decision without him and says he wants to be involved.

Because of the history and my anxieties about my parenting skills I would like to have that first initial conversation without STBXH, is this okay? It would probably just be a 5 minute phone call and then a meeting (which I would tell him all about).

You can talk to them on your own absolutely, he might be able to block you from seeking a diagnosis or certain treatments as some health professionals may refuse to see a child for treatment or diagnosis if they're contacted by the other parent who says they're refusing consent. I think its better where possible for both parents to be involved, but the best contribution my XH has made to the diagnosis, treatment and care of our 3 DC with SEN has been agreeing to step back and leave if too me instead of purposefully putting barriers in our way. This isn't exactly your situation, but the general principle for treatment,
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/consent-to-treatment/children/#:~:text=If%20a%20parent%20refuses%20to,for%20them%20to%20provide%20treatment.

What did “stepping in and making him behave” entail?

Good question, and I'm struggling to remember what his exact strategy was. I think if he stepped in and had a firm word that would often help. It seemed like sometimes he would get into a bit of a state with me and then if exDH stepped in just a different person and deeper voice somehow made him calm a bit quicker.

However, if he's having a meltdown with me and I try starting to be firm then it doesn't seem to work. My exDH got very frustrated at times that I couldn't manage him 😞

I can see why he’s your stbxh.
Hope you get all the support and help you want from school and GP.

He didn't "step in" very often because, as he said, he felt that it was undermining my handling of the situation.

It's certainly part of it to be honest.

Part of it is that I want some support for me. I'm now a single parent half the time and I want to be sure that I'm pulling in all resources to help me be the best parent I can. My son's behaviour is affecting my daughter who's a bit older so I want support with that.

Have school raised any concerns?

A child has a different relationship with each of their parents, that can mean techniques that work for one don't work for another. It's not a reflection od your ability to parent. One of my DC has extreme anxiety and this course we did that came up that different parents might need different strategies to deal with the same worries or behaviour. I'm much closer to my DD, the extremely anxious one, who's also Autistic, which means both that she tells me more and also that I see a lot more of her meltdowns, because she buries them around her dad. That doesn't mean he parents her better, I'm the one who's been able to support her and help her with her anxiety because she trusts me and not XH. XH might be able to shut the behaviour down more, but that's because DD is scared of loud voices because of his anger, It doesn't mean he's a better parent. The opposite in fact.

They haven't, from a brief chat it sounds like he is a bit fidgety sometimes but overall he's fine at school.

I have a friend who’s XH constantly undermined her confidence as a mother. She was a fantastic mum and he wasn’t (IMO) a great Dad though his children definitely did as he told them and accepted his ideas about their mum. It’s horrible.

What I’m trying to say is it might not be true and it might not even be a neurological problem. I’d focus on your self esteem and building your confidence as a parent. You don’t need XHs permission to speak to anyone about anything.

Thanks @Ohthatsabitshit he does have form for subtle controlling behaviour and I think he has been undermining my confidence. He has made me feel awful in the past.

Don't rely on school. My DS's primary SENCO didn't recognise ADHD (he has classic signs in hindsight once we learned more) and said they hadn't picked up any behaviour associated with ASC. But he's been diagnosed with both. Primary really failed him.

There’s a really excellent podcast called The Calm Parenting Podcast about raising challenging dc. I’ve found it so useful, but I’m slightly hesitant to recommend it to you because the guy on it is a bit sarcastic which might be triggering for you.

On the surface of it, the calm, firm tone (and deeper voice) can be very helpful.
The thing is that being able to shut down a meltdown is one skill, but being able to handle one, in a way that teaches a child to emotionally regulate for themselves, and protects their self esteem is another. And while a forceful approach seems to work, it’s storing up a time bomb.

The podcast I mentioned above teaches how to be the person that is not triggered by the child’s behaviour, but is calm, centred and can contain the storm.

It strikes me that both of you have aspects of that in your styles of parenting. But your approach has been undermined.

Learning a skill that doesn’t come naturally isn’t helped by having a critical overlord pointing out your mistakes. Especially when that overlord is oblivious to his own shortcomings.

Ime there’s a readiness to blame mum, even among professionals and I’d be hesitant to put yourself in a position where your ds’ access to help could be blocked by his convincing assertions that you’re the problem.

That’s why I’d take a little bit of time to immerse yourself in information, build your confidence. Arm yourself for battle.

@MrsForgetalot I'll take any info I can get so I'll give it a go and try to ignore the sarcastic tone 😀

@Ohthatsabitshit I was just trying to word the same.

OP perhaps you could explore some help for your anxiety about parenting first. There are online and in person parenting courses, your GP might know of local groups.

Your son is 7, going through his parents separating. He might be just too young to express his feelings.

The wait for assessment is quite long and help varies.

A method I heard of and practised with both of our boys from when they were young was to ask their opinion on things. Do you prefer golden or chocolate Oreos? Which Toy Story film is your favourite? Which is your favourite emergency vehicle siren? And then don't disagree let his choice stand. Stock responses, "Yes I can see that". "I thought you would say fire truck but yes police car is faster"

This is to open up confidence that boys can have opinions, emotions, thoughts that will be listened to. And it makes it easier to talk to your children (obviously this works for girls as well) about deeper things which they might need to express opinions about.

The other trick when kids are having a meltdown, us to phrase what you need doing as a question/puzzle for them to 'solve', it gives them the illusion of having a choice.

For example "ok sweetheart help mummy out we need to get you in shoes out of that door so how do you think we can do that?"
This works. Not every time but a lot. It worked for us.

The above techniques take a bit of practice but they do work getting results in a calmer manner.

@MirandaPomander so now is the time to start a new story about what you are as a person and a mum. You sound thoughtful and open and driven to be the best parent you can be to your children. Those attitudes are likely to carry you far and you can achieve the things you want. Surround yourself with people who will support you not pull you down. A good life is out there waiting for you to build it.

Probably because his dad isn't a safe person.

Him being able to bully the child out of the start of a meltdown just means the child squashes the meltdown back in, and then the next time he's alone with you, you cop it twice as bad because he's had the stress of not being able to release it on top of whatever the problem is. Children with adhd need their parents to have extra patience, compassion and empathy not less.

Seeing as his dad has already denied the possibility of the child having adhd, i would just go ahead without him at the initial stages. Nothing moves for ages anyway, my dc were referred in about March and the referral hasn't even been acknowledged yet - looking at years long waiting lists. Ask to speak to senco at school to get the ball rolling and explore what support school might be able to offer in the meantime.