How do you manage child sickness as a working parent (without extended family support)?

[user242526]

Hi,

My DD (11 months) started nursery in September and I've gone back to work. Obviously she's now picking up everything and anything and is constantly sick.

Currently has tonsillitis and is teething at the same time. I'm worried sick about whether or not I'll be able to attend work on Monday as she's also got a fever.

How do you manage? My DP is the main earner in our home and is self employed so it doesn't make sense for him to be off with her as he earns more and covers more with his wage.

I work for the local council and I don't think they have much help available in regards to dependents being unwell (I guess that's fair enough, I wouldn't expect them to always be so understanding) but I worry about my job as I've had to be off for the last two weeks due to Covid and now my DD has tonsillitis and is teething with a fever and I'm not sure what to do?

How do you manage? What can I do?

Thanks

Are you allowed to work from home? My work are very understanding and don’t bat an eyelid about working from home with a sick nursery aged child.

It’s really really really hard. WFH is not the magic bullet as when they’re poorly you can barely work. I manage with flexible hours eg catching up on weekends and taking leave when he’s too unwell for me to do any work. And get used to letting people down and feeling like a failure!

Realistically if they won't let you WFH, I think your DP will have to step up for 50% of the sicknesses. I know it may not make financial sense but it's not fair on your employers that your job is 'not as important' as your partners - they may well challenge this if the absence level gets high!

It also sets a bad precedent that you'll take time off when DC need a parent at home - it may seem fine now but if you want to look at improving your career later on you don't want the underlying feeling your job is the less important one. If your DP is self employed ultimately he needs to plan for all time off - usually it's holidays/sickness etc, and now as a parent this includes time off to look after a sick child.

Realistically, you need to share this with your partner. I work in a school and I am absolutely fed up of staff being off for their children's illness but never expecting their partners to support (obviously when they do have a partner.!) it does get better as children get older and develop their immune systems though!

What does your carers leave policy say? I work for the nhs. We can have 1 day paid as emergency, so the first day. Under exceptional circumstances, longer paid leave might be agreed. After that it's unpaid or using annual leave.

Unfortunately it usually involves using annual leave.
I would strongly suggest that your husband on board with covering some of it otherwise you will burn through your annual leave and only be left with unpaid options (amd have no time left for actual holiday). There is something called Dependants Leave, but it is normally unpaid. You should check woth your employer about any family friendly policies too.

If you need your salary to pay the bills it is still important that you don't lose your job - it might only be a small % of the household income but you're still screwed without it.

Your DP needs to cover some sick days, maybe not 50% but enough that your employer doesn't always feel like second best.

You juggle and that means both you and DP. WFH and making up hours once the other partner is home if possible also helps but it can be a real pain. Were you particularly ill with covid?

@eatyourtoast I'm going through this exact dilemma of weighing up the pros and cons, it's really hard.

My DP is autistic and has ADHD and for him to look after DD when she's unwell all day would be very difficult with those two conditions due to how they impact him as well as the fact that he covers a lot more bills as he earns more, my money is more so for one or two bills and just there to 'live off' of so based on those two points for our family it doesn't really make sense for him to watch her, due to the fact that he struggles with ADHD and Autism he does more of the earnjng, cleaning and we take turns to do the nights so it's not as though the balance is too off.

I think I'm going to have to have a long hard think about whether or not me working part time and DD going to nursery at this moment in time is right for our family...

I don’t know your situation but there are an awful lot of mothers with autism and adhd who look after their own children. If he is capable of holding down a job where he is the higher earner, surely he is capable of looking after his own child for a day?

I wouldn’t give up on your own career because of this, you may regret that one day. He just needs to step up a bit, to enable you to keep your job.

What kind of jobs can you do working from home while looking after a sick baby? I'm genuinely baffled by this.

@Neveragain35 no, autism and ADHD impacts different people differently. I'm not saying it's an excuse to not step up, but we both have our strengths and weaknesses and his strength is more in the earning side of things and nights with her if needed whereas mine is more so with her during periods of illness. Every couple is different and I know many couples where the mother takes the default role when the child is unwell as that's work works for them.

I wouldn't be binning my career altogether, it would just be on pause whilst DD is a little more older and then I'd return to work which was initially the plan before I decided to go for the 15 hrs funding from 9 months to see if I could return to work sooner. It's not about the male or female in terms of career it's about what makes more sense and who the higher earner is

@Houseplanter it obviously depends on how sick the child is, but if the child just needs to lie on the couch with a basin/calpol/tissues or whatever, the parent can often work away on their laptop for the bulk of the day.

Could you find a night job? Or weekend job. I think this is why it's easier to cut your hours down also.

It's so hard when you're the parent that practically has to take the leave!
No matter what age they are when they go to creche / school, the first year is a germ fest. 😭 There's no way around it tanking your career at least a little bit in my experience.

If you decide to stay in work, having a frank conversation with your manager may help. Asking how they'd like to support you during the transition stage, whether it's taking on tasks with less pressing deadlines that still need to be done (so you're still pulling your weight at work but not impacting others if you're out sick), flexi time, taking annual leave instead of unpaid leave, etc., My employer let me work ahead where possible, so I had a bank of hours pre-worked if I needed to be off.

Doesn't always work but prevention is the best cure. I put my DS on a probiotic & vitamin, which has helped a little. Wash hands as soon as he's home from creche & do saline rinses at the first sign of a cold to stop it turning into a sinus infection. Plus when they're old enough, flu vaccines. & Staying on top of those for yourself so you don't get sick as well.

So your husband is never going to be able to look after your child by himself?!

We cope cos we do half each.

It's a really tough one for you if your DH's disability means he's genuinely unable to look after your DC when sick (not doing it as well as you is fine, he should only be opting out if he's actually unable).

We coped by doing half each and having flexible jobs. We also put our crucial meetings in each other's diaries so we didn't double book on the essential stuff.

When they get a bit older you can wfh while they're sick, but in truth I never managed much when they were babies and toddlers - you can do a bit during naps but you've probably been up all night with a sick kid and not at your best.

This winter will probably be brutal, next winter a little easier and then ok after that.

Please don't let your DH cry off parenting his DC if it is something he is actually capable of doing.

@itsallbowlsbaby no he will, when DD is older and can communicate and tell him what she needs.

He struggles with reading between the lines, I could look at DD and read between the lines and know what she needs. He needs prompting. He struggles with this throughout all areas of his life, but I've learnt to be concise with what I need or what needs to be done but looking after a sick baby alone you need to be able to read between the lines as they can't communicate what they need or if they deteriorate. I understand that even if I return to my career in a year or two DD will still get unwell, but she'll be able to communicate her needs a bit more by then. DH needs to be explicitly told and that'll be when she's older that she can do that a bit more.

Can you wfh while he takes a day off so you're on the ground to keep an eye on her?

Generally parents need to share the responsibility of taking time off when both work, using a combination of emergency family leave (generally the first day they are sick as reasonably you can't sort cover) then either unpaid leave or annual leave for subsequent days if you can't find a sitter perhaps. I know it's tough but generally it gets better

Take annual leave or wfh while keeping eye on small child. Not possible at 11 months, but when they’re 7, you just shove them in front of the tv all day. My employer would rather I work than take time off, even if with a sick child.

Dh is self employed and it’s actually an asset. He’s the boss. He can take time off without asking anyone and juggle clients around to get the work done. There have been plenty of times dc have had to go with him places even though sick or just sit in the van for a bit (again, not at 11 months, but when older, completely doable). Basically your dh needs to step up and parent. Lots of single ND parents manage sick days just fine.

During the holidays, where dm looks after my dc. I work extra shifts and bank some hours, then use them when dc eventually get sick. And I can't get last minute childcare.

So my pay remain the same. As a single mother, I find this very useful. I can only do what I can. I'm looking forward to when dc get older and get sick less often.