How to deal with Christmas when it brings bad memories

[spottedinthewilds]

DH's father died last Christmas Day, he was very sick but it was still sudden. We live far away. DH missed many called during the night of Xmas eve of which he didn't see until Xmas morning. He drove up /(300miles) to get there but missed him 😢.

This year will be the first Christmas without him, DH's mum will obviously find it very difficult.

We have young children and I'm trying to work out how we can get through this without making it a really sombre occasion.

I don't want to sound really selfish but do people break the day into sections that they can dedicated to sad times and then have some fun afterwards?

Sorry if I sound insensitive, I don't mean to.

Will DH's mum be with you, or other family? I'm trying to work out where everyone will be. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm not brilliant at things like this but I'm here. x

I lost my dm over Xmas, I've never got over her death and won't.
However I've never felt the emotion to be miserable over Xmas.
Esp when I had dc.
It doesn't have to be sombre at all.

We will be spending this Christmas with DH's mother and family and will probably spend most christmases going forward with her as we aren't a big family.

We live far away but will obviously make that effort so that she's not alone.

My mum died at Christmas. She had always been the centre of our family festivities, so we were dreading the day both for the absence of her and it being the anniversary of a very traumatic day. We decided to keep our expectations low and that our best plan was to get through it as best we could. We did the day very differently, went out for lunch, went for a walk somewhere different and saw friends we wouldn't normally see. Basically dispensed with traditions that would have hurt too much without her and looked to enjoy different things.

If you don't normally spend the day with her then I'm sure that will be a big help for her, because it will be a different day than she had before and her DGC may prove a distraction and bring a different kind of joy. Obviously I don't know her, but most people who are bereaved don't want deliberately solemn days. Usually an acknowledgement of those who aren't with us and maybe a few tears shed, but typically a desire to be as cheerful as possible in the circumstances iyswim.

How close are you to her? Could you or your DH talk to her and find out what her hopes are for the day? You might be thinking that she’s just desperate to get through it, while she might be grateful for the distraction that young children will bring. Or vice versa.

My advice is to talk about how she sees the day shaping up. Maybe ask her if she’d like to visit a grave, crematorium etc, or go for a walk somewhere that meant something to them both. Would she like your DH to raise a glass to him at dinner? Or would she rather not? Hopefully you’ll pick up on her feelings by how quickly she either agrees or refuses.