Anyone else suffered life changing injuries? How did you adjust? Any tips for coping?

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I was in a serious accident earlier this year- I nearly died, was in hospital for months and had multiple surgeries. I've been left with life changing injuries and am have Ng to use a wheelchair. I'm really struggling with feeling like I've lost my identity. I'm a SAHM and I can't manage a lot of the housework. DH has been amazing but I just feel so useless. I struggle to even hug DDs and I can't take them to all the places I used to. I also worry I'll get fat because I used to do loads of walking and now it's hard to get any exercise. Just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar position and had any tips for coping and adjusting?

Hi OP, I wonder if you are receiving any support from services with this? If you are in the UK, you may be able to access support from your local trauma centre (which will likely be the hospital you were admitted to) or depending on your injuries, the national spinal centre. There is a trauma network across the UK so depending where you were hurt, you will perhaps have been under the care of a major trauma team. These teams often have psychologists or similar attached, who can help with the adjustment and coping you mention. If none of this is an option, there are two great charities with access to peer support and/or counselling to again help with these worries- try "day one" and "brake" accident charities (the latter is just for car/road accidents but the former is for any accidents or major injuries). Also, if you are in England you could consider a self referral to IAPT to see if you are eligible for support via that route, but do try the above first as it will be more specialised.

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time adjusting, people often focus on just getting out of hospital but actually it's when you get home that the adjustment really starts. You might look up values work in acceptance and commitment therapy and see how that sits with you, it's about finding ways to a meaningful life and can be useful when circumstances are beyond our control. Best of luck!

I don’t know if this will be of any help https://www.aftertrauma.org/recovery-information-useful-organisations/useful-organisations. It lists organisations that offer support after serious injury.
All Best wishes.

I did. I recovered quite well but left with epilepsy & neurological problems plus severe mental health problems.

There isn't really any support or help at all unless you fund it yourself.

I didn't realize just how hostile society is to people who are disabled until it happened to me.

The best support is going to be your family & friends.

I'm so sorry OP. Is the wheelchair permanent or a temporary measure? I can imagine it will take a long period of adjustment and maybe therapy to help you ? I had an accident years ago which was nowhere near as serious but meant I lost the ability to do several things and it actually took me a long time to "mourn" this loss and stop reliving the moments before the accident and imagining a different outcome.

Yes.

I'm not sure I have any advice though, except to say that your family love you for you. Just by being there you provide reassurance and stability for them, and this is incredibly valuable.

I had an accident ten years ago when my kids were 14. Thanks to physio I can walk short distances.

I have a good life. I have three cats who I adore and who adore me. I play my instruments in local bands and they are fine with the fact I am in a wheelchair. I recently joined a community choir after not being able to sing all my life and I love the friendship there. My singing is also improving!

I might not have been able to do physical things for my children but I could listen to them when they were upset and I could comfort them.

I have a good relationship with both of them and one has just moved back in after uni.

Trauma therapy such as EMDR is extremely helpful as are support groups for people in a similar situation.

I had a bad accident at the age of 19 that left me with reduced mobility that then impacted the career path I was on as I was heading for a career in sport.

I had a few years of a grieving process. My whole sense of who I was and who I was meant to be changed. I had to change my career focus and I fell into a huge depression that lasted for years. The main issue at the time was that I felt I was lucky to be alive (I was) and so did everyone else so I did not feel I had the 'right' to be upset at my new life and others dismissed my feelings in a 'at least you are alive' sort of way.

I got through it somehow but with very little support and it took a huge amount of time to come to terms with things. On reflection I wish i had know about the grief process and had had trauma counselling of some sort.

Best of wishes to you. 💝

Thank you everyone, that's helpful. I do think I need some kids of counselling, I've made an appointment to see the GP next week so I'm hoping that can refer me. I am under a major trauma centre but they've been pretty useless. I'm still in lots of pain and have been referred to the pain clinic but the wait is 11 months!

Thank you, I will look up the organisations you mentioned

I’m so sorry this happened to you and that you’re having to cope with all these things. DH has a chronic illness that has been disabling so not quite the same as you. However we’ve both found therapy and coaching to be helpful. I had some through work (maybe your DH could look at this?). We pay for DH therapy.

We found we needed to lower our expectations and standards for our home, then lower them a bit more! This was quite a tough pill to swallow but I found myself unable to do it all when DH couldn’t pitch in.

The focus is always on DH which I understand but as a partner I’ve felt so lonely at times. My life has changed completely, but the big thing happened to someone else. Keeping lines of communication open is really important. On reflection we fell into roles where DH said he was ‘fine’ but wasn’t, and I started anticipating his needs like I did for the kids, really. This had a big impact on desire between us. I wish he’d been able to say ‘this is really fucking shit for both of us’. In retrospect couples counselling would have been a really good thing to do.

Despite all this we have a happy life, it isn’t always easy. We’ve found adjustments, DH cycling along with us but with electric power etc.

OP there is a book being read on radio 4 at the moment, written by a guy who had a major injury. I only caught sone of it, but might be worth a listen. He was very articulate and expressed complex views.
Have a look on BBC sounds and I’m sure you could find it.

Not sure about the wheelchair yet- it will definitely be for a while yet and I may well always need it for full days out/longer distances. I can manage to get around the house, but walking is very painful and I get breathless due to lung damage from the accident. I've also lost a lot of flexibility in my spine due to having rods/fixation for fractures.

Thank you, I will take a look

Make sure you cry, and cry a lot. I know this sounds like a very weird and obvious thing to say but crying helps process the emotions and trauma, if you don't or can't it'll either manifest physically or come out as some other emotion like anger. Therapy can help with this.

Yes, I've found I've had to lower my standards around the house. And I do feel that DH could do with more support. He says he's fine but he's definitely more tired and stressed since this happened and he saw the accident happen which must have affected him. It's why I feel like I don't want to offload to him too much because he's got so much to deal with!

Thanks, I will have a look

Shattered by Hanif Kureishi

It sounds like he could use some support too, witnessing an accident is horrible, but to witness someone you love go through something terrible is deeply unsettling. Talk to each other, keep communicating.

Thanks, I'll see if I can get hold of it

Im so sorry to hear that. When i became seriously ill i was shocked at how society treated the new sick me. Counselling really helped me to see my worth and my worth to my dc even when i couldn't do anything.
Practical things like getting a cleaner helped but honestly people who treated me as me were gold dust.
Focusing on the things i could do not what i couldn't helped as well as celebrating any little progress.
Can i also say you must be an incredibly strong and resilient to have got through all of this. My absolute respect and admiration for you. Sending love and strength x

My DH suffered life changing injuries about 12 years ago. The biggest thing I would say is that recovery takes years. It’s a slow process but he’s made more progress than we ever thought possible. It’s really hard to be patient, but you don’t have a choice.

Stay engaged with physio and rehab and, if you’re not getting it, fight for it. He had to wait a long time for the pain clinic as well but again, it’s not a quick fix. Do some research online into the mechanisms of chronic pain and how it works - you might find that understanding it help with identifying tactics that may help.

Maximise your sleep and make sure you are eating healthily. It helps with healing. Small things can also make a big difference - any nagging discomforts like a bad pillow, wrong height seat - if you can get that sorted it does improve quality of life.

Also, give yourself permission to grieve. You have lost the life that you thought you would have. That takes a lot of adjusting which takes time. Don’t feel you just have to be grateful that you are alive, you can be sad that you are in pain and your life has changed so much. But, if it gets too much and you can’t see the light for the darkness then speak to your GP. My husband spent a few years on antidepressants while he was adjusting and it really helped.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and I wish you well. Life will get better.