Moving children in secondary school? Experiences please! 🙂

[WellErrrr]

I’ve been in a fairly unpleasant home situation for many years now, but am finally in the position to make the move back to my home county. This is obviously amazing, but I’m so worried about the impact on my kids.

All the years I’ve dreamed about this they were v portable babies, but the eldest is now in year 7…..and SO happy there. He has a great group of really nice and likeminded friends that he’s known for a long time, and being at secondary has meant that the ones he used to see only now and then, he now sees all the time and they are such a good group.

The younger children also have good friendship groups with no conflicts, and I am so worried in case they don’t find this again. I mean, there’s no substitute for the kids you have grown up with surely??

I NEED to make this move for my mental health but I am so worried about the impact on the children.

Anyone I’ve spoken to says not to worry and that children move house every day and are fine. But I am still worrying.

I’d love to hear any experiences please - positive, negative or realistic!

Can you remove the children from Britain legally and without anyone repercussions on you?
Met lots of ex pat children in two countries DH and I lived in. Teens down to toddlers. Various lengths of time settling in but don’t remember any of the parents or kids we met having long lasting problems. With some a new language was a challenge, some attended international schools where English was the main language so I think that made life easier.

Depends on which country. School systems are very different.
Can you move legal move the child?

OP says county rather than country so not such a drastic move as all that.

I think you are right not to minimise their wellbeing. Some kids bounce easily, others would really struggle. Will the areas be a similar demographic? I think it would add an extra level of toughness to move to a significantly posher/rougher area and.feel like you didn't fit in at all. I would talk to them about it and get their feelings on it tbh. But ultimately if this is something that has to happen then they will cope, although it seems likely that with school being so great now that it will get objectively worse, at least at first.

School can be such a tricky time, I don't think I could ever move a happy child.

I moved schools as a teenager. It was tough. But after a few years all was well. (My mum actually admitted later in life that as I had always had everything easy she thought it would be good for my resilience. Not the reason we moved....and was a tough lesson.....but probably true!!)

The difficulty can be moving and the local school not having space for your kids. Get that bit sorted and they will end up fine.

Thank you all. Yes county not country!

I do have to move as the situation I’m in (without going into too much detail) is living next door to in laws, in a house owned by them, in what has been a mentally and emotionally abusive situation over the years. So regardless - I do need to move and will be moving. Yes I should have done it sooner, but I’m doing it now.

It helps to not have the impact minimised though, thank you.

Demographic wise, I think it will be fairly similar. Countryside to countryside, some kids will be v well off, some v deprived. There won’t be any others with their accent which worries me, kids pick up on allsorts. My kids are also bilingual which i think is amazing, but some kids can be very quick to pick up on and target anyone ‘different’ so that’s worrying my too.

They each have a sport which they have done all their lives (different ones) and which they love and are good at, so hopefully joining those clubs/teams will help.

Im just worrying out loud really I know! But id really love to hear any other experiences of moving children at secondary/upper primary ages please 🙂

The sooner you move, the better. Primary kids can normally move easily. It is a bit harder at secondary but yr 7 is a much better time to move than yr 10. So go for it.

Go for it @WellErrrr
It doesn't sound like you're in the best place for your mental health where you are right now.
Does your yr7 DC understand the reasoning behind your proposed move?
Obviously not all the details but do they have some kind of idea what's going on?
No need to answer, but just saying in some cases, children know more than we give them credit for so.
Will you have your family around for extra support after your move? Similar aged cousins and family friends perhaps?

Anyway I wish you all the best and hope it's the start of a journey into a happier future for you all 💐

Children can be very perceptive... your eldest especially has probably picked up on the stressful living situation.

Oh I would say the kids have definitely picked up on it despite my best efforts. I basically had a nervous breakdown. Another good reason to leave.

They do know the reasons for leaving (in an age appropriate way). Not much family in the area as I don’t have much, my one sibling lives in Australia, but quite a few friends still.

I feel like I’m salvaging my happiness at the expense of theirs, but I suppose that objectively that can’t be true, as no child could be truly happy with a mother as miserable as I’ve been.

Hopefully it will be ok! Is it possible to visit schools with the children before you move?

Only be as open as you need to be, make it sound like an exciting new adventure and push all the positives of the new area and schools. Tell them they can come back and see old friends (it won't last long as old friends soon tighten the group and they'll have nothing in common) and, most importantly, explain that the move is non-negotiable - you are the parent here and the one who makes the sensible important decisions for your children.

Yes all v true thank you!

Bump 🙂

Sounds like your mind is made up - children are fairly resiliant so I'm sure they will cope. My only concern would be the logistics - getting somewhere to live, applying for schools etc.

Check out the school places availability and the schools applications process for the new council - I think its called 'in year' applications if it occurs at anytime other than the year 7. The sooner you do it, the better but you may want to think about school holidays etc - it will probably be easier if their transition happens at the end of term so that they can start a new school for the new term?

I moved older teens, I won't lie it can be tough. Both miss their old friends hugely. One took it on like a mission and really embraced the change however the other took a good 18 months to 2 years to settle and the first six months in particular were very bad.

My advice is prepare for the worst and be grateful for anything better.

So yes sign up for sports - even the one who settled quickly made new friends through sport quicker than through school. As soon as you see one of them struggling - before or after the move - get outside help, don't let it fester. If you can visit the new school do so but be prepared with what's the option if they don't like it - are there any alternatives or is it only one option whether they like it or not?

And then just time, both in terms of letting them settle but also make sure you set up life to allow down time as a family so they know they can come into the new home and safely let out their worries.

Will you/they go back to the old place? I'd recommend leaving it a good few months before you do but then make sure they keep in touch with old friends. For the Y7 think what social media options are available. And remember that's their home, they have fond memories of it so even if it's been tough on you don't put it down, in fact, avoid comparisons as much as possible

Thank you, this is really helpful. Yes I do try to be mindful of all of this, particularly the last paragraph. Not easy sometimes 🙈
Thanks very much, really helpful points.

Any more experiences please? 🙂

One last hopeful bump 🙂