I am sick of my driving anxiety

[Lefmry]

Just that really. Passed my test 12 years a go, put off driving for a year but then just did it and was really confident for a good 4-5 years. Until becoming ill and housebound, pandemic hit, partner was furloughed so we got rid of my car etc. as it was financial burden.

I got a car last year as needed to do the school run as had 2 children and it was getting too much to walk there and back every day. I was petrified to drive again, literally terrified. I’d have panic attacks and spend whole days worrying about it, even though the school run was only a 5 minute journey.

Anyway, something always happened so I would stop driving again. I maybe would do it for 3-4 weeks max and then my partner started to work from home so was here to do school runs, then he left his job to find something new so was out of work for 2 months, then it was the 6 weeks holidays, then paternity leave after having another baby.. you get the picture.

Today I find myself having not driven for 3 months again and I’ve told my partner to put the kids car seats in my car and for him to head to work so I HAVE to do the school pick up later today and honestly I feel poorly over it, it’s ridiculous.

I have been pacing the house, sorry tmi but have been on and off the toilet 4 or 5 times, need to pee CONSTANTLY.. I really feel silly over it but I can’t help it. I know everytime I do manage to drive everything has been okay but this anxiety over it is still there.

Anybody else had this or have this?

Can you just drive to a known place near by, turn around and come back?

tiny tiny steps to build your confidence

or just get in the car and turn the engine on and sit there for a minute.

My friend was like you, really scared of driving, especially somewhere new, but even just to the supermarket or to her mum's. Someone suggested she did an advanced driving course. She didn't take the test at the end but she said the course has done wonders for her confidence.
Is it something you'd consider?

I was exactly like you for 8 years op! Terrified of all driving. My son turned 6 in the summer and I just decided that was it, I had to learn to not be nervous so I made a plan to drive everywhere until I was ok. I remember the night before day 1 so clearly, I was awake at night looking at the route on Google maps working myself into a state. Forced myself to get out there and do it. It was fruit picking with my toddler and I made myself do it, told myself if I backed out then dd would miss out. My friend turned up in her car for me to follow. Everything was ok and I felt so proud and relieved when we were home again.

I just carried on and after about a month my anxiety had gone. I was enjoying driving! Never ever thought I'd say that.

I'll probably never do the motor way or anything 'big' but I've made peace with that. My goal was to be able to do short, local trips so I can get the kids to their activities, get to the shops etc and I am happy I can do that now, that's good enough for me.

Can you pin point what exactly makes you anxious? I started my lessons in London where it is brutal and I think that scarred me as when I was anxious I used to be scared of what other drivers would think of me and was so scared of making a mistake. So I tried to rationalise - we don't live in London anymore, people here are friendly and won't care if I make a little mistake. Just take your time and with a roundabout just wait, focus and go when it's clear on pressure.

Could you maybe book some refresher lessons? Or go out when it's quiet e.g Sunday early a.m?

Good luck, if I can do it you definitely can too. Xx 🚗

You need to regain confidence and you can do that by doing small simple journeys at quiet times of day. Avoid the school run time, avoid commuter rush hours, avoid retail parks and shopping centres at the weekend.

I think your problem will be that you're only going out at those times, because you have to, so you're literally seeing the worst driving on the road which happens at those times due to the sheer number of people. It's inevitable when you have lots of people, some of them will be idiots and drive like maniacs.

Go out at quiet times and on less busy routes and you're less likely to encounter idiots, less likely to encounter congestion, etc., and that will build your confidence.

I'm a confident driver, I've been driving over 40 years, I am an Institute of Advanced Motorists member and observer, and some years I drove over 100k miles for work. Yet, I still think about journeys and plan them to avoid the busiest times if possible. I barely go out driving during daytime at weekends nor on Friday afternoons for example if I can avoid it. That's not because I'm nervous, I just hate driving when the roads are busy and the lunatics are out. I'll obviously do it if I have to, but my personal preference is not to.

An update to this a month on. I have been doing the school run every single day for 4 weeks now and I’ve been absolutely fine. There are some things that make me anxious still, the school is 15-20 mins drive away so there’s certain parts I get a little ‘eek’ over every time (there’s the very edge of a roundabout that’s at the top of a small incline so I get nervous to stop and start at it) but it’s becoming less and less frightening as I do it more. I hope this can help someone in the future who’s perhaps googling the same sort of things I was a few weeks a go.

Well done op, keep it up x

I am not an anxious person in general, but due to circumstances learned to drive later than most people. I was incredibly anxious while learning, but things had changed, I needed to be able to drive for my new job and that pushed me through. Once I learned, I pretty much ended up having to drive every day and not driving was not an option. For the first few months I would be shaking from head to foot when I got out of the car, but it settled down the more I did it.

Many years later, I had an operation which meant I could not leave the house for 3 months. When I was well enough to go out, I got in my car, and went for a drive of less than 3 miles, to pick something up. I came home shaking from head to foot. I was totally not expecting to feel so anxious - it threw me to have such a strong reaction. Because I knew by then what avoidance does to anxiety (more on that in a minute) I knew I had to push through it. Within a week I was back to feeling relaxed while I was driving.

The problem you have is that you have developed a problem loop where avoidance is a possibility. The more often you avoid, the more anxious you will be when you cant. You need to push through and keep repeating what makes you anxious to reset your anxiety response.

If it is too much to do by yourself, either a driving instructor who specializes in nervous drivers or CBT for driving anxiety would help. I hope you can get through it.

Edited because I had not seen your update. Good job, OP, sounds like you are doing brilliantly.