Older Mumsnetters (70+) - do you feel like time is no longer on your side?

[Bumperjumper]

As a family member turns 75 soon, I was thinking “wow that’s nearly 3/4 of a century…. Oh they may not make another 1/4… oh they may have way less than that….”

And it made me wonder if you feel conscious of potentially not having much time left? Of course you could live to over 100, but life expectancy is somewhere around 83 I believe. Do you feel grateful for every new day? Do you hope to live for many many more years or would just a few more be “ok”? Do you accept that you’re coming towards the end of your time on the planet? Does it panic you?

Dying scares me in as much you have to leave your loved ones. And I can’t ever imagine being “ready to go” (even though I have sadly seen those with a terminal illness get to that point), and in my mid-40s it feels hopefully far away, and doesn’t play on my mind on a day to day basis.

Again of course none of us know when our time will be up, but when you’re 70+ do you start to really think “shit, who knows how long I’ve got”? Does it play on your mind more?

I'm 72 and had a radical mastectomy 2 years ago and am very conscious that from here it's a downward slope. I worry about the way I'm going to die (quick, slow, in agony, peaceful?) and I'm sad knowing that I probably won't see my teenage grandchildren settled or cuddle great grandchildren, I'm not religious so won't be looking down on them (or up). Silly things hit me, will George be a good King and what will happen to H&M's children? I'll never know. Will my savings last me out or do I need to do the lottery? Yes, it does concern me now.

My mum, aged 75, said quite cheerfully she reckons she's got seven years left.

(Still hasn't made a new will though she needs to...)

I've recently turned 70 and to be honest yes it has played on my mind of late, particularly as my ex-husband aged 74 died unexpectedly this year - those two events coming together have reminded me how quickly time has passed.

A year or two ago I bought a new microwave as the old one conked out after 20 years - as I was setting the clock I thought blimey this is likely to be the last microwave I ever buy!

I do wonder how it will end, 70 + here, I now have more behind me than in front of me.
Not bothered about dying as long as its painless.
I do wonder if my family will be ok and sad I won't see what happens to their futures.
Will those who have cut me from their lives ,come back into my life before I die..I do miss them.. but im getting tired of this bullshit life and can't say I enjoy it much anymore.

Late 60s here and spend a fair amount of time with people older than me.

Yes, I am aware that DH and I need to make the most of the next 10 years or so while we’re still fit and capable - we need to travel especially.

But it all creeps up so slowly that somehow it’s easier to accept than I thought it would be. Dying isn’t the issue (although I’m acutely aware it’s going to be slow and grim nowadays and have written an Advance Decision designed to minimise that).

The issue is the big giving-up milestones. Giving up night driving is coming; my night vision is not what it was. I have arthritis in my hands that’s going to impact my hobbies. My brain is shrinking and when I see fellow volunteers staggering on into their 70s I know the decent thing is going to be to bow out earlier rather than later. Switching from someone who helps other to someone who is helped.

And losing friends and family to death and dementia. I’ve already lost one sibling; only one member of the generation above me is still alive. I have very good friends with health issues that are likely to shorten their lives.

But other things are entirely positive. The hard bits of life - being a working mum, unhappy marriage, the property ladder, the changing job market - are done and dusted. I have time and space and a comfortable income so I can do more of the things I love. I have the experience to manage pretty much anything I need to. There’s good at every age.

I agree " olderbutwiser"
There are still some bright joys in life, my amazing grandchildren give me great pleasure to watch them grow and as you state somethings are done and dusted, less to worry about.
I have developed a few to many chronic health issues as I've aged and dealing with these is a drain on my energy.

What a lovely thread. I worry about my mid 80s relatives as they seem entirely unreflective and aren’t making the changes that would make life easier. As a result I’m feverishly decluttering and carefully planning how not to overextend myself commitment wise! 😁 Hopefully it will be a habit by the time necessity kicks in!

Mid 60s here.. I'd be happy to get to 75/80 with no health issues. Nothing at the moment.
My adult dc died suddenly last month at 25, and it makes you think.
I've always lived life to the full and will do it even more now. Luckily dh in great health too so we will be planning a fantastic 2025 and beyond.

I’m just coming upto 60 and I’m thinking it’s time to get on making the most of life! As you say OP, 83 is the age….my pension stats support that too. I’m trying to be very active, weights, travel etc.

My main concern is not seeing my gorgeous sons. Also I don’t want them to see me die painfully, in a care home with dementia. I just want to go when that is on the horizon. If I think to much about it I get emotional. Not something I thought about in my 40s or 59s.

I'm in my early 70's and yes, it does play on my mind to a certain extent. The worst thing is the lack of control of the manner of possibly getting ill and dying. I wish the government would vote for the assisted dying bill, but somehow I doubt it will get through.

On a positive note, I count my blessings every day. My great slightly younger husband who still makes me laugh, my lovely daughter and son-in-law and my two beautiful grandsons. We moved nearer them about five years ago so I get to see a lot of them, had a fab half term week going to different places - such fun.

I look back and there's nothing missing - no bucket list for me! A couple of great careers - both with good pensions, wonderful supportive parents, particularly my mum, my siblings (only one left now), my family and my beautiful cats. I have just two long term friends, which is enough for me and I value them. My garden which I have created after my move also gives me joy - a lovely natural, semi-wild garden. A different way of gardening for me so it's challenging and satisfying.

Ironically the hardest thing I had to deal with was the empty nest when my daughter left home. I think it's so under-recognised - for years you're putting massive energy into bringing them up, then wham, they're gone!!! Albeit you see them now and again. But in my case once she settled into her own family, I see much more of them. However I never encroach on weekends or when my son-in-law is off work.

The other big challenge was a divorce - there are never winners here. While in theory I was the 'innocent' party I still feel guilty about the effect on my daughter as she was little at the time. My parents were hugely supportive and we lived with them for a couple of years until I could re-establish myself with our own home and re-enter the workplace. I then met my second husband who loves my daughter and brought her up as his own (her father disappeared from her life).

So yes, worries about ageing but there's nothing you can do - just want to carry on carrying on for as long as possible.

I’m so sorry to read that. Bless you.

@olderbutwiser I agree so much - I'm only mid 60s but both parents were dead by 70 and we're not a long-lived family so 🤷‍♀️
I was able to retire at 60 so I did; grandchildren still very small so I'm unlikely to see them grow up, which makes me sad, for their parents as much as for myself - I know what it's like seeing children without their lovely grandparents.

I also have no intention of ending my days in a care home, so advance directive is on my 'to do' list.

But none of this is in my mind on a daily basis - still enjoying life to the full!
And it wasn't in my mind at all at 40

I have watched a few of my friends declutter to much removing treasures that va brought them pleasure during their lives and consequently their homes look soulless, they do it to make things easier for their children after they have died!
I'm not one for clutter , but my little treasures are staying they contain lots of memories.
But would advise doing a will, funeral wishes etc.
Life passes by so quickly so enjoy it to the full.

My sincere sympathies for the loss of your boy xxx

My mum in law just turned 80 and has been ready to go for the past decade!! She is a widower and really does not want to go on too long without her beloved dh. Her own dad lived to 96 so she is in fear she has the longevity genes! She has her paperwork in order and is in the waiting room!

I am late 50s and only ever wanted enough life to see my kids get to be independent. Another 5 yrs should do that. Anything else is a bonus.

I'm not ill but i could be doing much more to live healthily diet wise if i wanted to go to 90. 70s will do for me tbh.

Not scared of being dead but scared of the process. If i could just go during sleep and not know, fine. I will be glad of a rest!

Far more scary would be to be living on this Earth, in this form, indefinitely.
I am glad it comes to an end.

Late 60s and certainly am thinking I don't have much time left now, not helped by the fact I have poor health. I think I would be lucky to reach 75 and there are days I think even that is too optimistic! Nevertheless I am grateful for every day I have now. I don't want to liive to 80-plus as I think my disabilities would make life very challenging as I inevitably grow weaker. I'm the last surviving member of my family line.

Dying doesn't worry me because of my faith, I am looking forward to a resurrection body that has no illness or infirmity! I am actively decluttering and paring down what I own so there's less to sort through once I'm gone.

I’m mid 50s but with bad health.
Yes it is in my mind. (Life expectancy for my illness is said to be 55yo….)
I have a DNR and a living will in place.

I think it’s not helped by the fact my parents generation (so over 70+) are dying too. Lots of ‘bad news’ around, in the family but also from friends, when it wasn’t the case even 5 years ago.

Do I think about it all the time? Nope.
But a Living Will, PoA and will has also settled my mind a lot. Probably because it gave me a sense of ‘being in control’.

Yes, and I'm a little way short of 70.

I am usually fairly optimistic and early/mid 70s DH and I are planning a new life near DD1. We are keeping busy with house things. I am certainly thinking about the future and trying to design bathrooms etc with old age in mind. Every appliance bought I hope it will see me out, but if not no problem!

Old age brings grief though. We have lost so many friends in recent years.

My middle brother died in Spring, and now my oldest brother has been diagnosed with advanced cancer. The grief has been unreal. I haven't really cried yet for DB2 but had awful physical symptoms which have barely calmed down. I have CFS/ME so respond badly to mental or physical stress.

Now DB1 is ill i am thrown back into it all. Last time I had a BP check at the surgery I couldn't give a normal reading and had to do it at home the next week. I have a check up tomorrow but fear it will be a repeat performance so I'll decline the BP check for now.

I am finding anticipatory grief hard. I am just bracing myself for DB1's death.

My DBs were/are 6 and 7 years older, so in their 80s.

But of course life continues. I have lovely grandchildren, and an unexpected one on the way who has been much longed for.

Just keep plodding on!

Please don’t give up volunteering just because in 70s. I’ve seen some wonderful older volunteers who if they are less able physically (and by no means is this the case for all) can help in so many ways by having time to chat and listen. It also keeps you connected with others which is a preventative factor for dementia and other ageing things.

I'm 72.
Most of my life I have had an ever present, overwhelming fear of death. It started when I was pre teen and I've thought about death virtually every day of my life since then. Sometimes having a blind panic attack of fear of the nothingness of death.
The strange thing is that now I'm older the fear is lessening rather than increasing.
Possibly because life has always been such a struggle for me the thought of death and peace is actually appealing.

I do worry though about how my death will affect my son. I'm the only family he has so I know it will be hard for him when I go. But he does have a lot of good friends

Your last comment struck home. Both my daughters have many good friends and that makes me so happy. When I am gone they will each have a wonderful surrogate family.
You have obviously raised your son to nurture his friendships, so you have given him a great gift.

I'm so sorry you lost your child, 25 is no age.

Your positive attitude is amazing.

Thank you. I can't descend into becoming a person consumed by grief...I can do a lot of good still and I don't want other people to go through what we are experiencing. I am exercising, eating well, and not drinking. Luckily I have wonderful friends who have been practical ...no cards, flowers or religious platitudes!

You are genuinely inspirational.