5 year old sad...friendship issues

[Anon181]

Hello all,

I was hoping for some advice on how to deal with this. I have a 5 year old DS in year 1 at school. He's quiet and well behaved in school and in reception formed a friendship with a other boy with the same name, I'll call them Ben
They were always known as the two Ben's, they played together all the time and even made up their own "Ben games". The other Ben is quite sensitive and would often go into school crying, or easily cry in school. My Ben would always be asked to look after him/look out for him. If he was sad going into school, my Ben would hold his hand and they'd walk in together. At parties is Ben got hurt, my son would come and get this mum.
Basically I think my son sees his identity as a helper of Ben and with he same names, some part of an exclusive "club".

So...year one starts and other Ben has made friends with Jack. Jack has some behaviour issues and regularly hits etc. He is now good friends with Ben, if Ben is sad the teacher now asks Jack to help Ben...although Jack has hurt Ben several times.
My son doesn't like playing with Jack as he hits etc. However he is really mourning his relationship with other Ben.

To make it clear...I understand they are 5. Changing friends is normal. Ben can play with whoever he likes.

My question is; what can I do to make my son feel better? He literally talks about his friend Ben and Jack daily. He's really upset, he came home the other day and said "mummy Ben hurt himself today and the teacher asked Jack to get him a tissue, not me because Jack's his best friend now, not me".

I've put my son to bed and he's been talking for 40 mins about being sad, he wants to play with Ben but not Jack. What can I say to reassure him? Over the last few months I've made it clear that Ben can be friends with whoever he likes and it's not upto him (my DS). I've acknowledged that Jack hurts other children and if he doesn't want to play with him, then keep away. I've said to continue to play with Ben but accept Jack is his friend too. I've also really encouraged him to play with other children.

At parents evening they said my son is a worrier in school and I know that he's often playing on his own. I can't control what happens in school but nothing I say makes him feel better and we went over the same things for 40 mins this evening!

I don't think there's anything you can say to make him feel better, just keep listening and reassuring as you are. He sounds quite emotionally literate for his age. He's morning the loss of his best friend just as an adult would, he needs a shoulder to cry on.

The only practical thing to do is widen his friendship group out.

What are school doing to help your DS socially? Have a chat with the teacher and see if they can pair your DS up with another child or small group to see if new friendships can be made. Is there a lunch time club which could help him branch out with new people? Can you arrange play dates or trips to the park with other kids after school. Can he join any after school clubs?

Thank you for taking the time to reply. To be honest, I hadn't really thought about a discussion with the teacher. However I think this may be a good idea. I feel that his reception teacher really pushed my Ben to be the helpful one that looked after other Ben and I didn't realise how much of a big deal it was to him. His new teacher obviously doesn't ask my Ben and now he feels left out. If love for them to encourage other friendships, my son isn't keen at all. He just wants to be friends with Ben. He asked if I can write on his Christmas list for for Santa to make Jack disappear! Which is awful.
At this age their friendships mean everything and I'm realising I can't do much to make him feel better.

However in light of his worrying at school and the fact his weeing lots at the moment (we think it's psychological), maybe I need a conversation with the teacher.

Maybe Ben can come over to play one day? That might help reset things a bit?

Try not to encourage best friends, offer play dates with other children he gets along with, activities outside of school, sports if he likes them or he's getting to the right age for beavers , just encourage a range of friends, they ebb and flow you don't want all of his eggs in one basket

I had a similar thing with my DS in year 1. I just relayed the issue to the teacher as it was really bothering him, he wasn't sleeping properly because of it and she fixed it that morning!

I'd speak to the teacher for a short term request to allow your DC to help Ben more.

But I would focus most energy on helping your DC diversify his friendship. Beavers/Cubs is a good way, any other clubs that get them out of the school environment help too.

You also need to do a bit of a campaign by inviting others round for playdates.

I'm trying to encourage other friends but he's not interested! He's quite introverted in school. The teacher also said that my son is about fairness and rules (my fault). So when a boisterous Jack comes only and won't take turns etc my son doesn't like it. I have always instilled rules and fairness into my children but it seems to have backfired in this case. I've explained to my son that they're all little and still learning rules but he's just really against Jack in every way!
Of all the mums, I'm most friendly with Bens mum, which is a bit unfortunate! We've had a few play dates and they play lovely together.

There's a park by the school and every day after school my son would go to the park. He now refuses to go of Jack goes and if I can convince him to go; he'll stay the opposite end of the park from Jack and Ben. Even if I encourage them to play together.

I'd love my son to make other friends. I'm just not sure where to start as I don't do as many school runs due to work and therefore don't want to impose a play date. Especially as my son isn't interested in anyone else. However if the teacher can in anyway encourage him to interact with others, it may help.

I've always said he'd be better playing with other children. I didn't really want him tied to one friend. Especially as other Ben is one that always cries (I know I'm being a bit mean here!).

Sorry to hear your son went through similar! My son seems to want to discuss these issues at bedtime. He also was struggling to sleep and had tears in his eyes! How did the teacher resolve the issue with your son?

Thank you. I definitely need to try to arrange more playdates. It's also a bit unfortunate that due to the new reception intake being so large this year, year 1 has been split between 2 classes. So out of 33 children, 10 got moved to another class (not my son) but the 2 other mums I got on with - their children are not in my son's class anymore!

I would talk to the teacher. Ask them to suggest other friends for your son and then for both the teacher and you to help
foster new friendships.
My DS’s teacher did this in year 2 after some friendship issues. She spotted a similar child , sat them together , partners for a few activities and I organised a play date. It’s much better for them to have a number of friends at this age . The teacher was great at telling me which children were kind , had similar interests and would be good friends rather then me just asking ‘friendly’ mums.

Hi OP, I was just wondering how the situation is now for your DS? Thanks a lot!