Bad behaviour from DS4 - am I a safe space or is that BS

[TerrysChocolatePear]

I'll keep this brief. DS is 4. He is autistic non verbal not toilet trained. He is at a SEN school.

He is an absolute horror for me when he gets back from his dad's. He cries going to daddy's. He cries when I pick up from daddy's and clings to me like a koala. But this evening he's slapped me, kicked me, pinched me, screamed at me, refused to brush his teeth and threw that across the room. Worse than normal.

When we went to bed he needed me to hold him tightly and keep his hand on me to reassure him I was there.

Is this because I'm the safe space parent or is that bollocks?

What is his behaviour like at his dad's?

Exploding at home is absolutely possible in cases where a neurodivergent children and young people, where they are masking, or holding it together in one environment and then return to somewhere or to someone where they feel safe.

So sorry OP. Yes, is the short answer. 💐

Absolutely, yes. My nt daughter does this as well.

It is a thing unfortunately. He's bitten me, shouted at me, refused to eat, refused to go to bed, is a horror at school, etc etc until he's regulated enough to bring himself back to his normal little self. It takes a few days and I don't really like the parent I have to be in order to get him there. He needs absolute steadfastness in all the rules to get him to 'remember' how our house works compared to his dad's. It's not fun but we do what we have to do for their sake 💐

I think his behaviour can be mixed at his dad's. But his dad and dad's partner are instilling some pretty firm boundaries particularly about sleeping.

I'm wondering if it is having a knock on effect when he's with me.

I haven't raised the issue with them as I can imagine the response and I'm not up for that tonight.

This is because you have an autistic child struggling with change. And yes you are the safe space which is why you get that behaviour directed at you.

Things to try:
Transition activity when he returns something he enjoys and is the same everytime - for DD this was a bubble bath at anytime of day, a wash and a play, a chit chat and then close skin time (me in a vest top her in her PJs/ cosy clothes for oxytocin boost and reconnecting, a hug and a book.
I'd get all my jobs done and meals prepped before she returned as I knew she'd need lots of 1:1.

Body sock / weighted vest for that tight hugs feel might be useful. And we co-slept on the night she came back and most of the time really until she decided enough was enough. A pregnancy pillow in his bed with a squirt of your perfume or a t-shirt from the night before on it might help smelly like you, take up excess room in his bed and as something to cuddle.