Has anyone else gone off their DH? Is this normal?!

SoilAndSeed · 2024-11-03T15:31:38+00:00

I've been with my dh for nearly 15 years and we have 3 DC together. We've had our ups and downs but I am getting a feeling of unattractiveness towards him. I'm not sure anything has really triggered it but it's not really anything to do with his physical appearance as he has maintained his weight and has aged well over the years. It's more the little things which I think have actually annoyed me but I have ignored / disregarded over the years but the accumulation over the years has got me to this point. I'm sometimes embarrassed of him. I find myself noticing other men who have the qualities he is lacking in and find them attractive. Not in a sexual / I want to have an affair kind of way but a sense of admiration / attraction if that makes sense! Is this normal after being in a relationship for a long time or is it that we weren't really a good match to start with as I did sort of rush in and "settle" to speak.

OliviaRodrighost · 03/11/2024 15:35

Do you have any examples? I’ve only been with DH for 15 years and the odd thing might niggle me about him if I’m a bit tired or not in the best mood, but mostly I think he’s better than every other man in the world.

Original poster

SoilAndSeed · 03/11/2024 15:56

@OliviaRodrighost that's the thing. I don't think I've ever thought he was the best man in the world. I don't think I've ever been head over heels in love with him either. As in I love him but have never been really in love with him.

OP posts:

Spagettifunctional · 03/11/2024 15:57

I think it’s sort of normal. I know mine is a decent man but we’ve become so familiar and life mundane

JS647 · 03/11/2024 16:00

No real advice I’m afraid but I’m in a similar situation…I think I’ll stay with my husband because of DC but I wonder how my life could have been if I hadn’t settled with him.

superplumb · 03/11/2024 16:09

Yes snap. As I get older and life seems to get harder I often think why did I continue.

GameOfJones · 03/11/2024 16:19

I think it's a pretty normal feeling. I love DH and he's a great guy but I do find myself getting more irritated by him. To be honest I put it down to me being hormonal/perimenopause.

I still want to be married to him, but I don't think it's unusual to think the relationship has become more mundane. Life does have a habit of getting in the way.

littleburn · 03/11/2024 16:34

Familiarity breeds contempt I guess.

Sonolanona · 03/11/2024 16:36

I think it's normal too.
I'm fond of mine, we have been a decent team and parents, but we've been together 35 years so there's not much excitement left! But I try to appreciate that he is a good man, a kind, faithful man and remind myself that I'm not very exciting either

AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 03/11/2024 16:39

I think it’s normal, I love mine and know I’m lucky as he treats me fantastically but he does annoy me at time. We get on best when he works away and is only home for weekends etc, I think there is merit in having separate houses 😂😂

mydogisthebest · 03/11/2024 16:48

I have been married for 44 years and don't feel like that at all. Me and DH are still very happy and very much still in love.

Of course he annoys me sometimes and I know I annoy him sometimes but we are best friends and still have lots of fun together.

Hoglet70 · 03/11/2024 16:57

I haven't gone off my DH at all BUT it's perfectly normal to go off someone and you shouldn't feel bad for it. You just need to think about whether you want to stay with him or not, knowing you don't feel the same anymore. If we all stayed madly in love there would be no divorce lawyers!

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 03/11/2024 17:54

mydogisthebest · 03/11/2024 16:48

I have been married for 44 years and don't feel like that at all. Me and DH are still very happy and very much still in love.

Of course he annoys me sometimes and I know I annoy him sometimes but we are best friends and still have lots of fun together.

... that's why you've been married for 44 years. Good on you both!

Rosaofthevalley · 03/11/2024 17:59

Yep I could have written your post. There’s nothing I can do to change it but realistically if we didn’t have children we’d have gone our separate ways.

mydogisthebest · 03/11/2024 18:02

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 03/11/2024 17:54

... that's why you've been married for 44 years. Good on you both!

Show quote history

Thanks. I do count my blessings. We get on so well and still make each other laugh every day.

MrsPeterHarris · 03/11/2024 21:30

I felt like you last year Op & a friend suggested it was peri-menopause related. I went to the dr & got HRT prescribed & honestly those feelings have all gone & I totally love him & no longer feel the way you describe.

He still does my head in at times but I no longer want to be divorced & genuinely love being married to him again and our sex life is better than ever.

Could hormones / menopause be a factor?

SugarMiceInTheRain · 03/11/2024 21:37

Pretty normal I think. Mine is a very good and kind man, but doesn't excite me. Married life is very mundane, he doesn't really want to do the same things I do, sees no need to add any excitement to our lives, and I find myself frequently daydreaming about a more interesting life. But we have 3 kids, he's put up with me for 23 years, and on the whole it's very unlikely the grass is greener on the other side. Probably, we would have gone our separate ways if we didn't have kids, as we really don't have much in common. I probably need to put more work into our marriage...

ViciousCurrentBun · 03/11/2024 21:43

I don’t feel like this and together almost 30 years, he has irritated me sometimes as I have him. What did you have in common before getting together? I know too many women who shacked up with men because they settled as panicked as wanted children.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 03/11/2024 22:34

I get you OP. I think it's normal and symptom of a very long term relationship. It comes in swings and roundabouts. About two years ago I felt very down about my future, then I went through a phase of trying to find peace with it, now I'm starting to feel more positive. We have had some difficult chats and tried to spend more time together as a couple. But for me the most important thing was spending time alone, I seem to crave it and feel DH and kids together drain my energy. Last year we were lucky enough to have SIL take kids so we could have a night away and I couldn't bear the thought of it so I went a day earlier and had the most wonderful 24 hours to get that vital head space and then really enjoyed our couple time. We have become unexciting and there are times when it feels so dull but then times when it's really important to have someone who knows you and your family and history etc and you can just be yourself with. Sometimes I think its more frustration with yourself and who you have become more than the partner and who they are.

Osirus · 03/11/2024 22:53

I’ve been feeling like this too and even more so this weekend. Can’t bear to be around him. All I keep thinking about is separating and getting a window cleaner. He made me sack ours four years ago because he didn’t agree with having one and it made him feel like I was being unfaithful as it was his job to clean the windows. Four years later, I’m still waiting for him to clean them.

I may be perimenopausal too!

Lampros · 03/11/2024 23:28

How do you all live like this

LonelyInDville · 04/11/2024 00:15

I couldn’t live like this. Once I start not liking someone it’s all downhill after that. But I guess that’s why I’ve been single most of my life 😂

BookShark · 04/11/2024 00:43

Interesting that some have suggested it could be a peri-menopause thing. I'm late 40s and over the last year have found DH increasingly irritating. I'd put it down to just getting older and both becoming a bit less exciting generally (we met in our teens, so have been together forever!).

It's small stuff e.g. resentment about the fact he doesn't ever think about food shopping and walks through the door to find dinner is being served every night - although that makes perfect sense because he's back later and it would otherwise mean eating after 8pm, plus he always does the washing up after we've eaten. Or just the fact he's become more set in his ways, even though I suspect we both have, it's just they're different ways if that makes sense.

I don't want to divorce him, we still have fun together and I can't imagine myself with anyone else. But I do look forward to the nights he's away with work and it's just me and DD - everything seems just a little bit easier...

HeartandSeoul · 04/11/2024 01:26

BookShark · 04/11/2024 00:43

Interesting that some have suggested it could be a peri-menopause thing. I'm late 40s and over the last year have found DH increasingly irritating. I'd put it down to just getting older and both becoming a bit less exciting generally (we met in our teens, so have been together forever!).

It's small stuff e.g. resentment about the fact he doesn't ever think about food shopping and walks through the door to find dinner is being served every night - although that makes perfect sense because he's back later and it would otherwise mean eating after 8pm, plus he always does the washing up after we've eaten. Or just the fact he's become more set in his ways, even though I suspect we both have, it's just they're different ways if that makes sense.

I don't want to divorce him, we still have fun together and I can't imagine myself with anyone else. But I do look forward to the nights he's away with work and it's just me and DD - everything seems just a little bit easier...

It’s very common amongst perimenopausal women, according to the perimenopause Facebook pages I follow. I’ve certainly noticed my emotions are heightened generally now that I am in that stage of my life, but especially the week before my period, where I’m mentally planning to end my marriage. I focus on faults I see in him, and I’m such a moody cow during those days, but then it all passes when my period starts. I’ve decided to really try hard to let the positives out way the negatives, and appreciate that I have just as many (if not more!) faults than my DH does.

Sometimes being a woman is hard. Such a rollercoaster of emotions 😞.

willowstar · 04/11/2024 05:15

Yes, this is how I have become and I have chosen to separate. I reached 50 and realised that I really didn't want another ... 25 years perhaps, living with someone who I didn't truly love anymore and who I was no longer attracted to. It is tough. We have two children, pre-teen and teen, and we have very little money so have to live together for the time being, but I know it is the right thing to do. I had become very sad and lonely in our marriage and after about a decade of trying to make it work I just decided not to any more. Life is too short to be spending it with someone who doesn't enhance it.

FruitFlyPie · 04/11/2024 05:34

My husband and I were never super in love but yes, now I've gone off him completely and got the extreme ick for him. He's older than me and I've not at all attracted to his looks. Whenever I see a man my own age I think how amazing and fresh he looks by comparison (even if apart from that he's average looking).

I'm not sure if it's related to settling. I feel a bit resentful that he was never in love with me and we don't have many nice memories of nice dates or deep conversations. On the other hand though, I know plenty of people who were definitely in love, honey moon phase etc, who now feel the same as me. So maybe it's not related.