Am I being unreasonable feeling upset at this

[Jenry]

Dear mum
I love you so much, how you were with me when I was younger shaped my whole existence and definitely improved my potential in life. So I don’t ever want this to be wholly negative. You gave me so much attention. You read to me, taught me so much, spent time with me and I can’t think of a better way you could have been with a young girl with 2 older siblings m when you had to do the lions share of family running. You were amazing.
My start in life was second to none considering our financial and social demographic, and that was 90 percent down to you.

Since I have grown up though, I really struggle with certain things
I love you and want nothing more than us to have a really good mother daughter relationship. You do a lot for my child, so much… and you support his xxxx (high level activity ) like no other. Hence why I could never talk about this to you in real life. I would feel so ungrateful because of everything you have done and do for him/me

I feel so judged every day. For example-
Today we go to a carvery. I want a second Yorkshire. I love Yorkshires they’re my favourite food and won’t cost extra
The disapproval in your face was evident. You even tried to stop me. You said it wasn’t good for me and looked me up and down as if to say - that’s why you’re fat. It spoke volumes
All I would like is for acceptance
I can’t even vocalise the amount of fucked up issues I have around weight and food
For as long as I can remember you have said things about ‘fat’ people
You have unsuccessfully tried to disguise your contempt for people who are fat
You obsess about your size and weight and fitness and other peoples also

When we spoke about R (my lovely parent mum friend) one of the first things you said to your DH when talking about her was - ‘she’s very nice but she’s quite overweight’
I mean really?? Does that define her??
Why mention it? It’s just so shallow
It didn’t deserve mentioning
She’s a perfectly normal size

The funny thing is. Around food, you try and feed up the boys. my brother, my son, … but with me you disapprove if I enjoy eating

I am not fat!!! Surely? You make me feel disgusting sometimes
I hardly ate today, mum. I had a piece of toast with ham and an egg, at 8 am, nothing else till dinner at 7- : when I had a normal sized plate just 2 Yorkshires not 1

The way you reacted to the 2 Yorkshires made me so sad

Shaming me is the way I’d describe it
I’d have loved you to just say yes great they’re your favourite I know, enjoy them

I feel so inadequate
I have no self esteem, it’s through the floor. Because I know you judge on things that should not in my opinion be on your radar with your daughter who you’re meant to love unconditionally

I care about what you think and I bloody wish I didn’t so Much.

im a size 12 by the way. With a bit of
a tummy. Probably slightly overweight on bmi My mum is very fit and a size 8.

am I just being oversensitive

My mum is exactly the same. I really empathise with you. I am probably a bit more overweight than you though and she dresses it up as 'just looking out for me'

I wouldn’t send her a letter. Have you ever verbalised any of this? Unfortunately a large % of women think it’s normal to restrict their eating & I think they see fat people as outrageous because they are breaking the rules they impose on themselves, I doubt your mum will change.

Oh god no I’m not sending it. This was my outlet

I just ignore the female members of my family like this tbh.

There's no point in writing unsent letters to someone like this. If, for whatever reason, you’re not actually prepared to address it with her, then you need to work on unpicking the scripts you were brought up with about food. You’re an adult with a child. You’re not obliged to earn your mother’s approval, or to pay attention to what she would prefer you to not eat. My mother is horrified by my confidence. She thinks woman who don’t apologise for their own existence are universally mocked and deservedly disliked. It’s how she brought up all her daughters. But I don’t have to behave according to her code now.

The thing is for some women it is easier to lose weight or it is a number one priority for them. They usually tend to judge others with weight issues especially women they know.

Were you always confident or gained it over the years? Asking becaue she said she raised her daughters to be over apologetic.

I read this really hoping that this post was from the mum feeling affronted so I could tell her I feel exactly the same.

After reading it and knowing you're the daughter I can tell you: I feel exactly the same. My mum sounds exactly like yours. Always critical of weight. Always the first thing she mentions about anyone if they're fat. I'm fat. I skirted an eating disorder in my teens but replaced it with self harm.

She is always going on about weight.

Her brother and his wife were very overweight and I grew up with the whole family mocking them. At my heaviest in the last 5 years I was probably bigger than my aunt. No, she's never mentioned it - but I heard how she spoke about my aunt all those years, so I know how she thought.

Not much else to say, except I get it.
(I was a size 24 at my heaviest. Smaller now but for my health, not for her.)

My mum is the same, OP. I’m 38 and she recently offered to pay me £5 per pound I can lose. I do not discuss my weight with her and haven’t mentioned wanting to lose weight (as in, it’s not like I’ve been moaning about my weight and she thinks it will be helpful and motivational to offer to pay me to lose weight).

So very sorry, OP. I have experienced similar -
When I ate meals, DM would say I was 'stuffing my face'
If I ate a treat, I was 'gorging' on something.
Yet, as I was smaller than her, she would refer to me as 'Skinny Bitch', and not in a funny, affectionate way.
I realised my DM was projecting her insecurities onto me.

A mother's careless words can have a lasting impact. I hope you can find a way to heal.

Oh, it took a lot of work. Probably started to realise by my late teens that the ‘people only like shy girls who smile and say “I don’t mind” to everything’ just isn’t true, for a start. Did I even like shy girls who never said anything myself? No, I didn’t. It took moving away from home and meeting different kinds of peiole, and unpicking all the stuff I was brought up to believe. But it’s absolutely possible.