Bully boss making me so poorly

[BullyBossCoping]

I’m in a work situation where my boss is making life unbearable. I’m being bullied to death and it’s making me so poorly. It’s relentless. I’m not sleeping. It’s a small business only 5 employees and no HR. I’m not in a union. I asked ACAS for advice and they weren’t much use.

Im desperate to find a new job and can’t just go as I need to earn the money. I don’t get paid sick other than SSP.

Does anyone have any coping strategies?

What is happening? What's he doing?

If there is no HR, then you're probably limited in what you do, no matter how unfair and shit that is.

Could you talk to your boss and tell him to stop talking to you like that/treating you like that? Some men back off if you stand up for yourself.

See your GP and get signed off, then look for jobs?

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I hope someone comes along who has better advice for you! 💐

@BellissimoGecko thanks so much. He criticises everything I do even if it’s exactly what he’s asked for. He tells me I’ve lied and I haven’t. He’s very threatening and intimidating.

How much service do you have? And is he singling you out?

Go to the doctor and get signed off with stress, and find another job.

Yes he’s singling me out. I have 2+ years but there’s no HR so it’s his word against mine.

I can’t afford to live on just SSP sadly.

Do you have any protected characteristics? Disability/race etc? You could threaten him with a discrimination tribunal if he doesn't stop. Unfortunately bullies generally back down if you stand up to them.

And join a union!

Is it too late to join a union?

No characteristics only being the only woman in the firm? Does that count?

Make sure you get all requests in writing. If he won't, then you do it. Every co versatile gets documented and played back to him in an email stating "just to confirm the points of our conversation". This will become your sword and your shield.

Remember, it's not personal. It will feel it, but most men exhibiting this behaviour are deeply insecure and have risen to their natural level of incompetence. I've seen it a ton of times. This is all about him, and not you. You need to develop a thick skin and a sense of pity for him. Every time he moans at you, just think to yourself "poor thing, it must be horrible being that unhappy. It's a good job I'm not". Then think of all the good things in your life, family friends etc. The fact that you are good at what you do which probably winds him up more as he is jealous.

If all else fails, write your resignation letter but keep it in your bag. I carried mine around in my bag for over a year knowing I could submit it at any moment. It was strangely empowering to have that knowledge but not actually handing it in.

@HappiestSleeping thank you, you’re so right!

Id be worried if I had a resignation letter in my bag I’d use it before I had another job and end up in a terrible situation financially. But thank you, it is a nice idea.

Whilst looking for another job - stand up to him. Literally - stand up when he talks to you. Don’t stay seated. Challenge every thing he says. You don’t need coping strategies- you need to believe in yourself and talk back. What is the worst he can do - sack you - great - you can then claim benefits and look for another job. He will continue to bully you if you let him - I’m not victim blaming - I’m asking you - what do you want to happen now?

I’d start keeping a diary of what’s happening and then speak to CAB. You might be able to leave and claim constructive dismissal.

Thank you - I am keeping a diary but the success of CD claims is low and I’d rather leave as soon as I have something else and not look back.

I will try standing up. Thank you.

Yes, it's too late to join a union in relation to past bullying, but not too late to help you in relation to future bullying.

And yes, sex is a protected characteristic.

You've nothing to lose by standing up to him. You're miserable anyway. If you're doing a goid job he won't want to fire you.

He’s very odd. Just before he’s super nasty he says something really nice and compliments my work and then wham! I always dread seeing him and him starting with a positive!

Yes. Sex discrimination You can still join a union I believe. You would have to prove that he has treated you in a discriminatory manner because of your sex (discrimination ) or you could go down the route of constructive unfair dismissal if he does something which pushed you over the edge. You should start logging his behaviour towards you with dates and details in case you are forced to leave or feel that things are so bad you can no longer stay

What is he saying to you op?

I don’t want to say too much on here (I’m a bit paranoid about his wife). But it’s every day and ranges from pass agg abuse to outright accusing me of things I haven’t done.

I found it amazingly powerful. Knowing I could made me less likely to in a very strange way. I felt like I'd taken all the power back and just smiled every time the arsehole gave me shit.

The main thing though, is to get everything in writing. He won't respond to you, but you will have a record of it nonetheless.

@BullyBossCoping I'm surprised ACAS weren't much help because I've always found their advice to be helpful.

But if ....... it’s every day and ranges ............... outright accusing me of things I haven’t done

I think women are conditioned to defer to male bosses even these days ............ doesn't mean da men are always right

Fight fire with fire.

Log every single interaction.

Follow it up every single time in an email along the lines of 'following your conversation with me today where you said ' ...... ' I can confirm that this is not what I have done / can you confirm what you require me to do / please can you clarify ..... etc

Once he realises that you're not just going to accept his behaviour, he'll stop. Bullies stop once you stand up to them. They only bully people who they think won't stand up to them.

It may not come naturally and it may takes a lot of deep breaths to do it .................... but it will be so worth it !

You're bothered enough to post about it here, so you know it's not right ......

Fight your corner! Take a deep breath and do it ........ because you can do it!

When you see him think of him as butt naked - then smile - that can really unnerve a bully.

I had a difficult work situation like you and found that the more I smiled at the bully the harder they found it.

Hopefully you will find something else soon but try and find a coping strategy that works for you so then you won't rush into a job that isn't a good fit for you just to get away from him.