To think after 40 years I should be over this.

[Doggymummar]

Background

40 years ago I lost what I thought was the love of my life. Well I was 17, and I screwed it up. I fled town as I couldn't bear to see him every weekend with a different girl. I moved to the other end of the country and that was that. No internet, no mobile phones, not even a landline in fairness. I through myself into the Goth scene and found The Cure. Disintegration had just come out and it seemed like the sound track of my life. I listened to it non stop for three years and never got to the stage I wouldn't be a blubbering wreck.

Today I have the house to myself and decided to listen to the new album, and the Radio 2 gig they did on Thursday. And I'm right back there, sobbing my heart out and wondering where he is now, what if I wasn't so pushy, if I had been kinder, what if.

Jeez Louise give me a talking to, but surely I should be over this.

Music is so powerful and can take you back in time at any age. I'm sure you're 'over it' it's just the music took you back to the place and time when you had those strong feelings. Age and time are immaterial. I remember my Dad, in his 70s, being brought to tears when he heard a song that reminded him of his Mum's death when he was 10.

Aww thanks for replying I've pulled myself together now luckily. It's just that one album for me, I don't listen to music and I'm now thinking that that is the reason. It's too evocative of that period of time. I hope it's happy memories for your dad rather than my sad ones.

28 years for me. And I struggle when I listen to The Cure...and certain other songs are difficult .

The price of admission by stiff little fingers is impossible!

So weird. I bet he never thinks if me! 😭

it is ok to be nostalgic @Doggymummar

The problem would be living consistently in the past

That's true, thank you

All it takes is a song and you’re there again

I remember playing Unfinished Sympathy by Massive Attack on repeat when my first boyfriend dumped me for my friend. 25 years later my latest relationship ended in July which I’m struggling with. Went for a hike this morning and it came on my player and I just cried trudging up a muddy lane on my own.

Oh, that's hard, good to get it out your system though? I feel better after a good cry this morning ❣️

Memories are odd, their power sometimes doesn’t make sense. I view it almost like PTSD, it feels like it’s happening NOW but it’s actually stuff from the PAST. My therapist got me to do a timeline on a sheet of paper, with all the big milestones in my life, it helped me visually understand and place past events in their “right” place i.e the past. I wonder why music can hit it right in the pains…

If he’s the same age as you there’s no reason he wouldn’t have social media. You could look him up. I occasionally remember people and have a nose to see what they are up to

I was going to say the something similar to @SensibleSigma . - you’ve not Facebook stalked him? Everyone has done that for old school friends, ex’s, colleagues etc.

i hope you’re happy with your life

(and he’s probably a bald , overweight tax inspector now!).

He's five years older, and I have looked many times over the years, but his name is very common. He had a daughter and her name is very common too. I'm happier not knowing I think. If ignorance is bliss.

I can sympathise totally - I happened to listen REM's Losing my Religion a while ago and I was back there, over 30 years ago with a broken heart. It was like a flashback, quite disturbing actually. It's long past and I'm happily married with kids!

Yes. Flashback is right, very vivid

i use music to reconnect. .with the dead(i mean iv pretty much got trigger songs\soundtrack\playlists for anyone ever.... so when im moochin round the house-i hve wee playlists dedicated to loved ones that have passed,or people/times that are forever etched on my soul. its kinda comforting cos if am sorta miseryin bout the whys n wht ifs...can reset bck to an "us"mindet.

Oh yes I am with you. There are certain songs- probably some Cure songs, def some REM songs and others from that period that I simply cannot listen to. They take me back to a time in my life that was difficult and they would take me right back.

Only read the OP so far @Doggymummar , went with my instinctive response.

Why? You cared about someone a lot and they clearly had an impact on your life.

I am not over my first love and since I made peace with the fact that I'll always love him and think about him, it's been easier for me. I've reached peace with the acceptance and I realised caring about someone is never a bad thing. Caveat before the jump on starts about caring for bad or abusive people.

I never listen to music as I find it too depressing. People think it's weird that I have no interest in music but keeping away from it saves my mental health! I'd recommend it 😜

Anyway... I too had my heart broken as a teenager. I thought about this bloke for years! Couldn't find anyone who ever came anywhere near how fabulous I thought he was... What got me completely over him was finding the letters he'd written to me when we were teens. What a load of drivel! I laughed out loud at the nonsense he'd written.

How you behaved/reacted to the way he treated you as a teenager is very different to how you'd react if someone treated you the same way now. As teenagers many of us don't have the mental capacity to deal with shitty behaviour. Don't bother looking him up. Put anything about him firmly in the past and praise the lord you got away from him. (A different girl every weekend? He sounds vile!). And keep away from The Cure 🤣

Is there anything in your life you are doing the exact same as you were at 17? Your hair/ makeup/ clothes/ skin care/ where you go/ what you do with your time etc etc? I bet the answer is no because we grow and change. Some people grow and change with us and some don’t but you can’t look at a person how you did at 17 when you are 57 and think you would feel the same way, you wouldn’t because you have grown and changed over that time. Maybe they have grown and changed too but then the relationship between yourselves would be different to what it was then.

Also the cure are ace so don’t let some what ifs ruin your enjoyment of them 😁

Inbetween Days