Changed plans without letting me know

[ThePerkyCoralPoet]

So I agreed to meet up with my friend, I said we could meet up as just the both of us. That was the plan. She helped me with securing a job by sending me interview prep etc and so did her partner. I got
rhe job and that was because of them both partly helping me. I then said we’d get dinner altogether on another night(which I could get). We had agreed that it would be just her and I getting dinner today.
This morning she texted me saying her partner would be joining us. Which is fine I don’t mind but I didn’t account for paying for this meal so now I don’t really know what to do. I know it’s not really socially acceptable to turn around and ask that either. Like are they expecting me to pay?

Tell her. Say okay normal dinner tonight but will do the thank you one once you've been paid from new job!

Kinda unexpected for the partner to join I wasn’t told earlier either so really not sure what to do.

She's your friend. Just ask her. Or say you'll pay for the drinks or something.

How do I ask though? I’m a bit confused because nothing was clarified with me first. Like normally one might say “hey next weeks meal I’ll be bringing x with me is that ok” as initially it was just the both of us.

Just say you can't pay for both

Thing is. Nothing was agreed that this would be the meal I would pay for? Which is what confuses me. Normally you check with the person, no?

I’m not sure why you’re tying yourself into knots about this. Is it because you can’t affirm to pay for dinner for both of them, or because you don’t want to? Or an objection on principle to someone adding their partner to a pre-arranged occasion? I think you’ve fudged things slightly by saying you’d treat them both to dinner another time, so perhaps to your friend there’s no reason not to have her partner join you tonight?

Is it that you can't afford it yet, so want to pay for their meal at a later date, or you think they are expecting you to pay for both occasions?

You want to buy them both dinner, so it seems they have brought the date forward. Speak with your friend, as it's an issue for you.

im just confused. Isn’t it normally something you clarify first. I.e. shall we do the dinner on the 2nd as all three of us- which clarifies everything?

O don’t mind paying but when I suggested it it seemed as though it may be done on another occasion!

I mean I can do it but I just woold have appreciated more of a heads up. Last week we said it was just us. Then on the day she’s saying she’s bringing her partner (which is fine) but I do think you should mention it to the other person surely?

You sound very inflexible, OP. I would normally think it was a bit odd of someone to announce they were bring their partner to a meal that had been planned as a one on one, but I think this situation is mixed up because they both helped you get a job, you’ve said you wanted to buy them both dinner, but then seem weirdly insistent on taking her out for dinner alone first. What’s your actual problem with the dinner when you treat them both being now? If you can’t afford it, just say so!

I’m actually autistic, so when I say I need a heads up it’s because I get really confused as a result. Also, maybe it’s just me but I’d defo mention it beforehand to someone if I was bringing my partner.

I think it's odd unless it's normal for you?

If I've planned dinner when a friend, I would be really surprised to get a 'Tony's coming' message.

A message that said 'Tony's at a loose end, do you mind if he comes along' text is fine, as it's asking.

Now it's done though, If it goes ahead as a three, and you can afford it, I'd pick up the bill as your thank you, then you're square.

But she did mention it to you. That was your heads-up.

And why have you got two threads about this minor issue?

On the day of dinner?

my other friend said the same thing. Just get this and be square. Although to just flat out on the day say “bobs joint is tonight. Are you meeting us there at 6” is confusing because the original plan was just us.

I had to re-read a couple of times but it does sound like you offered to buy them both dinner to say thank you so it’s a bit odd you’re splitting hairs about which dinner it is. Also a bit odd to arrange a separate dinner with her first?

I think it was a late notice for them to tell you but I can also see why they thought it would be ok. Are you going somewhere more expensive tonight and would prefer to have picked a cheaper place for both? If so I’d ask if you can change the venue.

Ok so. When we planned it. We said this meal would be just the both of us. The next one would be all three of us which was literally what was agreed so to me it’s just a bit confusing to not be clarifying that with the individual who might be paying the bill!

it’s just a bit confusing to not be clarifying that with the individual who might be paying the bill!

But you're not, are you? I thought you said it's the next meal you've arranged that you'll be paying for, not this one?

Just ask her - 'hey Molly, it'll be great to see Bob later too, shall we make this the thank you dinner or are you both still up to go to X on the 15th? x'

More notice would be usual, but the same day isn't terrible in these circumstances - that you were planning a dinner soon for all 3 in any case.

If he'd just been at the restaurant when you arrived, that would have been rude, but in the morning while firming up plans it gave you a chance to cancel or stick to the original arrangement.

Thank you. I’ll do this!

Good luck, OP.

Social things can be a minefield for anyone - half of MN is full of examples!

Let us know how you get on x

Just not sure what to do🥹feels a bit awkward to say “ok but the meal for three of us was supposed to be on another day” like I was just assuming she would have said “hey I’m thinking we can do the meal on Saturday as all three of us” maybe?

It’s fine, she has changed the plans so you can change them back. Just say as it’ll be three of you, you’ll go for a couple of drinks somewhere nearby instead.

Yes. How much notice do you need?