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How can I stop my 5 year old being so rude

27 replies

Wardrobedoors24 · 01/11/2024 07:54

I'm at the end of my tether at the moment. My 5 year old is so rude, he doesn't listen, answers back, bosses us all around. Talks over people, calls people names, I have to say I'm
Embarrassed which breaks my heart admitting it. I've tried everything so stop it, I don't talk to people the way he does and I know most things are learnt but I don't know why he speaks to people this way.

This morning he dragged the clothes dryer downstairs to me in the kitchen and demanded to know why I hadn't put it away!!! Like I'm the child and he's the adult.

Any tips please. I'm desperate.

OP posts:
Flustration · 01/11/2024 07:55

Does he know he's being rude? Is he being defiant or is it that he lacks the awareness to know he's being rude?

EducatingArti · 01/11/2024 07:56

My first thing would be to wonder how people speak to him. Is he copying the tone of the way he is often spoken to by someone?

RedToothBrush · 01/11/2024 07:57

Well kids don't do this for no reason.

There's either an issue with parenting (who is he copying with the dryer stuff) or there's some kind of additional needs.

You need to take responsibility in either case. Children don't just act like this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Womblewife · 01/11/2024 07:58

Make a chart on the fridge and when he is rude you add a marker. When you get five he doesn’t get a treat/activity. He will only learn from consequences, and being pulled up repeatedly

Wardrobedoors24 · 01/11/2024 08:02

There's a question mark over ADHD at the moment. We don't speak to eachother (DH and I) like that. And ds has no siblings and very little contact with other family members.

I want to introduce a good reward/ consequence chart or something similar but not sure what to do. I don't want to focus on the negatives too much but have to stop him being so bloody rude.

I think a lot of it, especially with others is to try and get attention or make people laugh but he just comes across rude and I can't cope with it anymore. I don't want people to think he's rude, he's actually a very lovely little boy the majority of the time with me, just with others not so much

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 01/11/2024 08:05

Occasionally my brother used to order my Mum around like that - she jokingly called him "the foreman". At that age he genuinely wanted to know why she hadn't done what she usually did and his enquiries into the matter could be really forensic.

For general parenting communication "How to Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen So Children Will Talk" is pretty good.

When you say he speaks to "people" this way, how is he in school? My DC who has an ASC diagnosis used to do this to teachers. That was extreme! :-)

If you child is talking over people in general you may also need to do a bit of work with him on turn-taking in conversation. e.g. You may want to try a visual cue card to hold up to indicate that it's not his turn to speak and he needs to wait.

Topseyt123 · 01/11/2024 08:10

I'd make him go and put the clothes horse back exactly where he just got it from!

He wouldn't be allowed to speak to me as if I was his servant and I would tell him that I would be putting it away if and when I was good and ready. I quite often just leave ours out in readiness for the next load at this time of year anyway and a five year old wouldn't be dictating to me whether I could or couldn't.

He'd also lose some privileges if he carried on.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 01/11/2024 08:12

Ah - just seen your update. I wouldn't expect reward charts to help much until you know what his underlying issues are. The rewards need to be tailored to very small learning steps. And I would not put markers on a chart for bad behaviour - only put markers on for good (successful) behaviour. A chart that shows how bad you are is the opposite of motivating!

A lot of teachers use hand signals to show when it's OK to speak up. Visual cues can be very good for children with ADHD or ASC type issues.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 01/11/2024 08:34

The things you're describing are all social-communication issues. So if it's serious enough that you and the school have noticed something (hence the referral for ADHD) look for material on social-communication skills. The school SENCO might be able to help.

With name calling it's going to depend in the situation. Is he doing it because he's angry and upset, or does he really not know what's appropriate?

Have you had a conversation with him to explain what name-calling is? Then your response when he does it can be a flat "that's name-calling" or "that's a rude word" rather than a scolding and hopefully he will go quiet rather than carrying on. You can attach a consequence if you're sure he understands and ignores the warning and carries on regardless.

Or, is it more that he tells you to do something, you don't do it, he gets angry and starts name-calling? That would be a pretty common escalation pattern.

One thing that helped me a lot was to respond to the "content" of what my DC said and not to the way he said it. DC tended to be rude in specific situations. My strategy was to respond to the content in the moment and then work on better ways to say it later. So if he asked for something rudely (he had problems asking for things using any words at all) I would respond as if he had asked politely (maybe rephrase it "please can I have X" while I was getting X) and then work on polite ways to ask for things separately. The natural "don't give it to him unless he asks politely" didn't work for us because it was too difficult for DC in the moment.

DelurkingAJ · 01/11/2024 08:39

At that age was when the Mumsnet classic ‘did you mean to be so rude?’ actually worked. DSs didn’t (turns out DS1 is autistic and DS2 has some traits). Explaining factually that they were being rude helped.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 01/11/2024 08:41

This morning he dragged the clothes dryer downstairs to me in the kitchen and demanded to know why I hadn't put it away!!!

Because you are going to do it DS.
Then proceed to 15 mins of age appropriate chores. When you get an apology for the behavior he can stop 🤣🤣

mikado1 · 01/11/2024 08:42

What do you do when it happens OP and has this always been the way?

Flustration · 01/11/2024 08:56

Hmmm, I think I would pull him up on every single incident as it happens. I would be very careful to keep the tone positive and authoritative. Think primary school teacher!

doesn't listen - bend down to his level and gently place a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. Kind smile. "I don't think you heard me earlier, the Lego needs to stay in the sitting room because Daddy is vacuuming the rest of the floors. How long do you think it will take you to move it all back to the sitting room?" Whatever you do don't move the Lego for him. Moving the Lego is the consequence of not listening. You can be kind and sympathetic but let him experience the consequence.

answers back - this might just be a bad habit so I'd try just pulling him up every time at first in case that works. In a calm but authoritative tone of voice; "Freddy that was rude. If I tell you to take something to your room it is ok to not be happy about it, but it is not ok to say ..."

bosses us all around - From his perspective this is the inverse situation of the one above. I think you need to be careful here as he is likely to copy the tone of your response when you 'boss' him around. Really important to play the calm, in control adult with this one! "YOU get my shoes!" "Freddy, that is not how you ask people to do something politely, would you like to try asking that again?" "PLEASE get my shoes!" "Are you saying you need help getting your shoes? They are in the shoe cupboard" "I'm BUSY" "no, we get our own shoes in this family" (walk away)

Talks over people - this does sound like ADHD! I would hold up a finger or some other hand signal and say "wait, we are talking" and continue what you were doing exactly as you were before, even if this means talking over him. When there is a suitable gap in the conversation ask him what he wanted to say. If it is not relevant tell him so and why.

calls people names - difficult to advise without knowing the names and context; are they personal and deliberately unkind or silly names that he thinks will make people laugh? You need a small reaction here as I would guess it's a reaction that he's after. "No, his name is Charlie" and move on. Every time. If you think he is being deliberately rude then you will need a consequence. The consequence should be immediate and linked to what he is doing. For example, if he insults you at home "I have asked you not to call me that but you have continued. I don't want to be in the kitchen with someone who is being rude to me. Either you leave the kitchen or I will. If I leave the kitchen you will have to wait for your sandwich" or "I know you were frustrated waiting your turn, but you know not to call people ... We will have to leave the playground now because you cannot call other children those names" or, when you can't remove yourself or him
from the situation "I don't want to talk to you when you are calling me names" Then refuse to engage in conversation beyond the basics that you need to get him to school or whatever. Keep your body language completely neutral like a teacher might. Kind but firm. You need to be careful not to accidentally teach him to sulk!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 01/11/2024 09:09

Love the user name @Flustration - the nursery once said DC got "flustrated" and that was such a perfect way to describe him! Nice strategies too, not all would work for my DC but would work for many others.

coffeesaveslives · 01/11/2024 09:17

The clothes horse thing makes me think he might be quite routine and habit driven - so if you anyways do the laundry and put the clothes horse away, maybe he was trying to understand why you hadn't done it this time?

Schools tend to be very routine based with lots of cues and warnings when things are going to be different, whereas at home people are obviously much more relaxed.

Flustration · 01/11/2024 09:25

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 01/11/2024 09:09

Love the user name @Flustration - the nursery once said DC got "flustrated" and that was such a perfect way to describe him! Nice strategies too, not all would work for my DC but would work for many others.

Thank you! An under-used word I think!

My DC are older now (14, 16 and 21) so it's difficult remembering what worked with them. I think the most important thing is that warm, unruffled tone of authority. Kind but firm.

ReineMarieGamache · 01/11/2024 09:53

@Flustration has some really great advice there. I also used to say, in my kind but firm voice, 'I don't do anything for people who speak to me like that. Try asking me again but politely'

mbosnz · 01/11/2024 10:01

I didn't go for the warm tone of voice. I went for the sharp, 'I beg your pardon? You don't talk to me, or anybody else like that!'

It was short, clear, and unambiguous. And that voice worked a treat, because it was the one warning they got, or needed, that try that again, any time soon, and there would be consequences.

The warm voice was for when they rectified their behaviour, which usually followed very quickly.

Haffdonga · 01/11/2024 10:33

Sometimes dc just don't quite 'get' what is crossing the line between reasonable and rude because the unwritten social rules are so complex - especially if there's any element of neuro diversity.
E.g it's fine for a teacher to say 'Everyone line up now!' But weirdly rude for ds to say to an adult 'Get me a drink now!' It's hilarious (if you're 5) when your friend in the playground says someone is a poopoo head, but not hilarious if ds says it to the nextdoor neighbour. It's fine for you to say to ds 'why haven't you put away your Lego?' but cheeky if he says 'why haven't you put away the clothes airer?'
There's no point just telling your ds not to he rude because he may well not know how. It can help to model and practice with him every single time his tone sounds rude.
E.g he says 'Give me my drink now!'
You say 'Ds, that sounds like a cross/unkind voice. Try asking for your drink in a happy/friendly voice with a please.' If he can't say it then get him to copy you and then give him the drink in a happy way as if he asked for it nicely in the first place.
If he calls you names then immediate consequence is telling him it's not ok and you dont want to listen to rude or unkind voices/words. You will give him a few moments to think and listen to him again later when he can talk in a kinder way.
The key is consistency and getting him to say things more politely every single time. Of course there will be times when he just loses it and is downright rude and angry (because he's human) but at least he will understand what's expected and what he's apologising for later when he calms down.

Flustration · 01/11/2024 10:33

mbosnz · 01/11/2024 10:01

I didn't go for the warm tone of voice. I went for the sharp, 'I beg your pardon? You don't talk to me, or anybody else like that!'

It was short, clear, and unambiguous. And that voice worked a treat, because it was the one warning they got, or needed, that try that again, any time soon, and there would be consequences.

The warm voice was for when they rectified their behaviour, which usually followed very quickly.

Yes, more than one way to skin a cat!

Screamingabdabz · 01/11/2024 10:41

You need to model for him the correct way. So if he says “why haven’t you put this away?” I’d respond “do you mean… ‘mummy this in my way and I want space to play my cars, would you mind moving it?’ See that’s much better isn’t it? Unfortunately I can’t move it lovey as I need to washing to be near the radiator but you play cars in the living room…and I’ll need you to put that back now please…”

Teach and model a better way to communicate and negotiate.

usernother · 01/11/2024 10:45

mbosnz · 01/11/2024 10:01

I didn't go for the warm tone of voice. I went for the sharp, 'I beg your pardon? You don't talk to me, or anybody else like that!'

It was short, clear, and unambiguous. And that voice worked a treat, because it was the one warning they got, or needed, that try that again, any time soon, and there would be consequences.

The warm voice was for when they rectified their behaviour, which usually followed very quickly.

I agree with this. I also had 'the look' which was very effective.

Bunnycat101 · 01/11/2024 10:49

I do think a lot of 5/6 year olds go through a bit of a defiance phase when they’re trying to assert a bit of independence with parents but it does sound like some of your son’s behaviour goes beyond that. What is he like with teachers/other adults?

MixieMatchie · 01/11/2024 11:17

@Haffdonga excellent advice in general, but surely talking over people at age 5 is not ADHD but completely normal?!

MixieMatchie · 01/11/2024 11:18

Sorry I meant @Flustration

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