Ds getting upset when me and dp disagree

[Aimeie]

I'm led awake feeling incredibly guilty.

We had a lovely Halloween yesterday, ds saying it was his best ever. However, when we got home from trick or treating me and dp had a disagreement about something. It was nothing major but involved exchanges of ' well it wasn't me who left it on' and ' well I know I never'. It sounds really petty when I write it down.

Anyway, ds (who's 7) was in earshot and when I went back to sit with him he was looking upset. Said we always ruin things by arguing. I explained we wasn't arguing, just discussing something.

I've noticed recently whenever me and dp disagree on something it upsets ds.
I've told dp that we shouldn't disagree in front of ds anymore, but is it normal for a child never to witness any disagreement between parents?

Sorry if that sounds stupid but i grew up in a house where there were almost daily, heated arguments, so to me a slight disagreement is nothing major.

I feel so guilty though. I feel we ruined a great night.

Is it normal for a child to get upset about this? It's started quite recently, a few months ago.

Sounds like an argument to me.

I don't know if it's normal or not. I think most kids see at least some arguments between their parents.

It does upset them though.

My parents used to have a policy of discussing disagreements not in front of the children and I tried to do this when I had kids (not always succcessfully)

Your son seems to be telling you clearly that it upsets him though.

It’s fine for them to witness some level of argument but the important thing is that they also witness the make up, both adults apologising for their part in it etc. You need to model a healthy argument. It’s unrealistic to expect no one to ever argue.

You both SHOULD feel guilty. You have ruined his night by arguing, Listen to your child.
STOP ARGUING in front of him.

It is more than likely the tone you both used in the disagreement which led him to be upset.

I think it is a good thing if kids witness their parents disagreeing with each other but in a constructive, respectful way. Not easy to do I know when you are tired or irritable or you live with a congenital arsehole, but maybe something to aim for.

Kids hear from their friends that their parents are divorcing or splitting up, couched in neutral terms like "they don't get on" anymore and will perhaps perceive spats at home as a sign that their parents too are not getting on with each other and may also split which is a horrible thing for a child.

Try and be a bit more mindful how you argue with each other. Everything you do is setting an example to your child and I'm sure you would want them to be equipped to manage inevitable disagreements in a mature way.

Yes, I agree with pp. I think to a certain degree it's healthy to hear disagreements if they are amicably resolved. However, it's upsetting your DS, so you need to find out why. It could be that the parents of a friend are splitting up and the friend said it's because they're always arguing etc. It could also be that your arguments aren't as restrained as you think they are.

Said we always ruin things by arguing. I explained we wasn't arguing, just discussing something.

Even if you disagree with your son, it's really important not to minimise how he is feeling, which you are doing here. Instead at least acknowledge his experience. "I'm sorry, I didn't release it sounded that bad." for starters.

If you grew up with awful rows your perception of what's OK may well be at fault, not your son's.

For a seven-year-old to say that you as parents "always" ruin things with rows is significant. Poor lad.

What are you and DP going to do to change this? It won't be easy as it's clearly a well worn pattern between you.

It sounds like you maybe bicker a lot? I can see that that would be tiring to listen to, even for an adult tbh.

I do think it's important to present a united front to the kids, we don't really disagree in front of ours, we save it for later.

Very much this

Same principle when a family has lovely day out, they come home and the kids start fighting. It's annoying and upsetting, imagine the opposite from a childs eyes.

I think it's fine to have disagreements in front of your kids, but not full-on fights. Unlike a PP, I don't think there is any merit in always having a united front especially when it doesn't concern parenting issues. It's important to know that people can have different views and opinions and that things can be worked through by discussing them and allowing everyone to make their argument heard. It's fine to not agree on everything and it would be unrealistic to raise a child to think that them and their partner always have to think the same about everything.

This.

I say this as someone who has a similar background to you parent wise - maybe to you because it isn’t as bad as your own childhood experience it doesn’t seem that bad, but it’s probably pretty bad to most people. It does sound like quite bad argument. If your voices were raised it’s likely to be quite upsetting for your Ds to hear.

Your DS had just told you he'd had the best night ever and yet you both thought it was an appropriate to start sniping and bickering in front of him? Why?

I agree with you that it's normal for parents to argue and have disagreements, but there's a time and a place. I'm sure it could have waited until he had gone to bed.

Having experienced a few nights as a child lying in bed listening to my parents arguing, I must take issue with this. It is very scary, especially when you are tired and need sleep. Nighttime makes it worse too. Strangely, I was always very scared, and I imagined one of them killing the other, especially when voices were raised! This was ridiculous for a couple of reasons:-

1. My parents were happily married and kind and considerate. (I realised as I grew older that the odd spat was normal, even in a happy marriage
2. There was never a hint of violence in our family. I was never smacked, but punished in other, painless ways. My father never threatened my mother, ever.

So maybe it’s better to have the disagreement in the day. Children need to hear that things aren’t perfect all the time, and things have to be sorted out and discussed whenever the issue occurs.