How many people do you know who manage to sail through the world as if they are one of life’s passengers.

[Lytlethings]

Whether it’s family, relations, work, friendships or hobbies, there all ways seem to be people who sit back and let others do the driving. I wonder if we fall naturally into the habit of being a driver or passenger because of our personalities.

My brother is returning from from abroad after 25 years. I hear from once a year at Christmas and now he is ringing to ask for favours. He totally opted out of any interest on our mother who ran me ragged. He would say how grateful he was for what I was doing. I knew, secretly, he thought I was a fool. We agreed that once she died he would take over the admin, the house and all the work associated with her death. Apart from engaging a really expensive Estate Agent he did nothing. Except take the money of course.

So finally I have said no to his requests.

I know a few, and it's exhausting. DB is actually one - had huge financial/emotional support from me in late teens/early 20s with a mental health crisis which he only moaned I could've done more. I've always been there for him, nothing the other way around. I've now given up as unless I initiate/invite him out and pay for lunch (which he cancels on last minute half the time) I hear nothing from him.

Yep. My mum. Passive and only showed emotion when it came to protecting her status of doing nothing

Tbh it doesn’t sound like he’s sailed through life as a passenger. It sounds like he’s moved away and not engaged in family life or caring responsibilities as an adult. Who knows what he was doing in his life? I assume he had capacity to take some agency somewhere. It certainly takes that to move and work abroad. Not everyone is close to family and willing to take up caring for them (I won’t be doing any of it for my family frankly because we do not have a relationship). I may be the only one left to tidy up when they die (there’s no one else), but I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get there. That said, I’m sorry you had all the weight of it on you. It’s I’m sure a heavy burden to carry.

Yes have known a few. They've all been enabled by others and therefore remained in their passenger roles feeling entitled to be served by others.

My grandmother was one. She was the youngest of five so babied until she was an adult, then married young and was babied by her husband. Never worked, always had a cleaner, never learned to drive, insisted on always having a dog but never walked it, only heated up ready meals. Those were all things other people were expected to do for her. When she was widowed my mum stepped into the enabling role because "she's been looked after all her life, she wouldn't know how to do anything now and I think that was very true.

One of my former best friends from school is similar though she's lovely and sunny and charming and this seems to be her "currency". Other people do the hard graft for her and pay for everything while she tootles around enjoying her hobbies and exclaiming about how busy she is. It's really hard to explain but she doesn't demand it, or even really seem to notice, it just seems to work that way and people are happy to do things for her.

My brother worked abroad for many years, he and his wife had two children. He had an affair with someone from the same company so came back to England, leaving his wife and children to pack up the house. They deported her as she was there on a spouses visa. She put the children in Boarding school and he had them for occasional holidays.
At 52 he and he retired and moved to France permanently.

You allowed your mum to run you ragged so I'm not sure why you're angry at your brother? What was he supposed to do from where ever he was? You are equally entitled to say no to his requests as you have - and as you could have said to your mum. Not seeing the issue here at all.

I did not mean to make this post about my brother but anyway. They have lived in France for 25 years. His wife now has dementia and as neither of them ‘really speak the language’ it will be easier to come back to the UK.

”I know you dealt with mother and stepfather for all those years, with their dementia, so you will be able to point me in the right direction “.

You are right I did allow people to walk over me, I totally accept it was my own fault for not refusing to take POA and executor duties. I have developed a very thick skin now.

Well sone for saying no - you don't ah e to give any favors you don't want to

And you shouldn't need to justify why to anyone - you have sone more than your share of favors in the past and have had enough - the end

Thank you, that was the reality check that I needed. When I got his email my heart sank. The thought of having to say no to him filled me with aggravation. Worse, when he comes back he will want to socialise with us. Of course I don’t have to do any of those things. It is probably the cowards way, but I have blocked him from my contact list.

I would milk this OP. Instead of pointing him in the right direction, regale him with stories of how awful it was and then say. The systems probably all different now. No idea how it works now. Good luck navigating it dear brother.

I think not saying anything is better. I am going on the line of I don’t have the energy to get involved. Which is actually true.

Also he has repeatedly told me how wonderful everything is in France especially their health care. He will moan about the UK and I really can’t be bothered with it. I learned when we were children to let him speak and make no comment.

I seem to have derailed my own thread. Anyone want to get it back on track.

@Lytlethings do you get much out of your relationship with your brother? This may be the straw that breaks your back (if that's the right phrase), focus on yourself

I've known several people like this. They are manipulators and always get others to do stuff for them. My DM was entitled and would scream if she had to buck up and deal with her own life. Again so busy.

I helped looked after my DGM and my male cousins did not because they were too busy. Not too busy to insist the will was unfavourable to them though.

Tell him no.

I have not had a relationship with him after he was so shabby to wards my SiL. Politeness when the exceptionally rare times we meet.

My SIL, enabled by her parents. The most immature middle aged woman you could possible imagined.

There's always an enabler. Always. These people wouldn't make it through alive alone.

@Lytlethings

I'm in exactly the same position with my brother. He had an affair and abandoned his wife & kids in the middle of the covid pandemic. He flew to the other side of the world to shack up with his mistress, leaving his kids and wife scared and distraught.

He soon dumped his mistress whwn he got bored and has been through a string of girlfriends since. His family are expected to treat each GF as 'the one' and roll out the red carpet until he gets bored and dumps them for the next one. I actually feel sorry for them and would love to warn them but they wouldn't believe me. What ticks me off is my family support his BS and enable his shitty behaviour. He comes across as charming but is a deeply damaged individual underneath.

I'm NC with him now. I refuse to pander to such narcissism and play 'let's pretend' with my weak family anymore.

He definitely sails through life leaving a trail of destruction behind him.

Many wives of men who earn well. In this country
one of my friends whose childless aunty lavished all on her - bought her her exams ( country where this could happen), bought her homes, marriages, paid her bills - the aunty died and forgot a will - all went to her father, who had 3 wives and 4 daughters from it all and that lovely aunt money went between the last widow and all kids

I know one, personally.

I think the next one I know of, will be my brother's son. We were raised in a family business with him, working and selling produce on markets since teen years. He ( my brother ) found a job in a bank and started giving tons of money to his teenage son to go and buy himself specific fashion clothes for boys ( another country, not sure what their trend is or why boys do it, something to do with being the local popular guy) - we are talking when the boy was only 14. He started opposing my brother's parental views when he was 15 and by the time was 16 was living like a young adult, opposing everything and taking the money offered to keep him happy