How can I make MIL feel more included?

[sammy012]

Me and mil have had a few ups and downs especially around when ds was born but we have settled our differences and I now see the good in her and when looking at how she’s taken care of my DH, and two sil’s whilst being a single parent I applaud her for it. I know she cares about ds a lot, she might be quite soft and try feeding him more if he cries or go on and on and on about how he’s smiled at her and how she must be his favourite person on the planet but I can put up with that annoying side of her.

I think lately she’s been feeling left out. I have been back at work for a few months now and I only go in 3 days a week so my DM has 15 month old DS these days. This is because she is free to and doesn’t work. Mil works 5 days a week so isn’t able to do this. Me and DH use Saturdays as a family day where it’s me, him and DS and on Sundays we take DS swimming so if we plan a date night it’s usually on a weekday in the evening and we wouldn’t return until late. We always leave DS with my DM only because she’s the only one other than me that can get him to sleep. He will only be rocked to sleep and screams if anyone else tries. This worries me as if I left him with MIL he may not be able to get to sleep at his normal time and he is in a good routine. Other than this we go to MIL’s once a week as we know she has busy days and want her to be able to rest in evenings aswell and she’ll come to ours once a week aswell. Overall my dm sees DS atleast 30 hours a week and mil sees dS no more than 4. I know she’d love to have him in the evenings if we go out but like I said before I worry about DS sleeping and his routine and don’t want him to get crazy upset. Is there anything I can do to make her feel more included?

Forgot to add that MIL has never had DS alone before mainly due to the fact she was smoking inside her house and wouldn't stop. So for the first 9 months we didn't even take him there. We do now as she has completely stopped and the smell is no longer there and whenever we are there he is happy there. Obviously I am always with him aswell.

Visit on a Sunday after swimming?

A 15 mth old needing rocked to sleep? think you need to sort this out before anyone looks after him.

If you never leave him with her, he's never going to settle though. Leave him for a couple of hours and do some shopping or go for a coffee. Then extend the time until he's comfortable with her

She’s not providing childcare because she’s working but she still manages to see her grandchild twice a week- that’s more than many grandchildren see their grandparents. It’s not your fault she works, or chose to prioritise smoking for the first nine months of your child’s life!
Longer visits at the weekend?
Leave DS with her for a while to let you and DH do something together?
Can she do family activities such as swimming with the three of you?

Are you planning on giving any more DC OP? I only ask cos you need to nip rocking a 15 month to sleep in the bud asap! I did that when our DD was 3 months (& I shouldn't have even then) but 15 months seems a bit OTT - dobt they wrigh a ton?. Why can't your MIL come round when your DM is babysitting so she can watch what your DM does? Also GP have their own routines I find with grandkids. They'll feed them different food, have a different routine etc & no doubt put them to bed kater than yiu do & it's best to just role with it to some extent. I get this is your PFB child but don't become a big anxious mess over trying to stick to every tiny routine you currently have in place.

We always leave DS with my DM only because she’s the only one other than me that can get him to sleep.

Even your husband?

Can I just ask how you managed to get past her behaviour post partum?
My MIL was very difficult post partum and I’m still really annoyed by her but my life would be easier if I could let it go

I think her seeing him 4 hours a week is quite normal to more than normal. It’s just that in comparison, your mum is providing childcare, and your MIL is working all day. But my dc have never seen either of their grandparents as much as 4 hours a week on a regular basis, and my eldest is nearly 12! I think what you’re doing sounds fine.

Could you ask MIL if she’d like to have ds one day she has off instead of your mum? This gives her the chance to opt in to time with him, without you having to make extra hours materialise in an already busy week.

Fwiw, neither of our mums have ever been able to get our dc to sleep properly. They are just a bit shit really and get frustrated and bored. Last time MIL watched our dc, youngest was found asleep on the floor of his sister’s room with all the lights left on. She just sent him upstairs and then sat downstairs drinking wine and staring at her phone and he eventually just passed out randomly in the wrong room on the floor. No way I would have had her attempt as a toddler because she wouldn’t have managed.

My second daughter was the most terrible sleeper and was 3 years old before she slept through the night….. unless she stayed at grandma’s when she was so much easier. I’d let your MIL babysit if she wants to and for the first time have your mum on call in case she finds it overwhelming. Your child may well behave completely differently when they have someone else in charge.
I also agree with other replies, you need to sort out the reliance on you / your mum to get your child to sleep. This comes from a place of total kindness as I do understand how difficult sleep routines can be.

You see her regularly. Honestly I think you don’t need to worry about it. If anyone does need to think about this it’s your husband. It’s not up to women to manage the relationships of in laws and children, it’s up to DH if his mum is left out.

Op it's extremely sweet of you but in the general world I'm sure your mil is seeing your ds more than enough!! Yours once a week and you to hers once a week

That's fine and don't fall into any traps that it's not enough. At some point whilst I'm sure you'll be thrilled to have two wonderful grandma in your little one life you will feel more like having some precious time with him yourself. Babies are not something to be shared out and divided up.

This is so true. Build up slowly and tell her what you're doing. I think she'll really appreciate it and your ds will feel closer to her which will make it easier for him to stay.

4 hours a week is much much more than a lot of grandparents who aren't their grandchildren's carers, see their grandchildren. If you want to, start asking her to have him at weekends while you and your husband get some quality time together or do some jobs. However don't beat yourself up about the grandparents having unequal time.

Will your little one go to pre school at 3?

Leave him with her in the evening instead of your mum . He will get to know her and I don’t think he needs to be rocked to sleep at his age .

Well he won't settle for her if she's never given the opportunity to try! Maybe she'd be able to break the habit of him being rocked to sleep too because that's not helping him in the long run.
I think it's lovely that you want to include her more but on the other hand, it sounds as if you're making excuses to not leave him with her.

Agree with PP that your MIL sees your kid a lot as it is! Is it maybe because of the comparison with your own mum that you feel she's not as involved as she could be? But your mum only sees your kid that much because she doesn't work and is able to provide childcare for you in a way that your MIL can't. If you took that out of the equation, would it be more similar to how much your MIL sees him?

My mum sees my DS once every 3-4 weeks usually, and my PILs see him maybe every 6-8 weeks. No one lives near enough for weekly visits, so both your grannies are doing well to spend that much time with your son!