Context, my ex and I are 2 1/2 years separated, not yet divorced, largely because I am chronically unwell and struggle with my existing avalanche of paperwork. I am disabled, both children are neurodivergent and currently being assessed, I think daughter 9 is ADHD and autistic, son 5 is autistic with PDA. Daughter also has the same health conditions I do and on a reduced timetable, so multiple appointments etc to juggle there for her as well. Life with youngest is non stop challenging, although when he is calm and content he is the sweetest little being. Both kids really love their dad and mostly he is great with them.
I left him because of his long term mental health problems and lack of treatment for these. I am still unpicking out relationship in therapy but I believe there was gaslighting and emotional abuse. However I still care about him and am concerned for his vulnerability. We have become friends and recently have been getting on better than ever so last night feels even more unsettling because of this. I haven't allowed the kids to stay overnight with him because of my concerns about whether he was fit to do this. Bit he has always seen a lot of the kids and has dinner with us several nights a week, and puts the kids to bed on those evenings. Unconventional I realise but it usually works really well.
In Jan this year, he was doing really well, back on medication, turning up on time etc and i suggested the kids do once a week overnight. They loved it,it all went fairly well, I think a bit shambolic, but fine. After some time doing this, his health took a turn for the worse and he was dysregulated again, late for everything and rude to me in front of the kids, ATM I forget exactly but it was bad. I said the kids wouldn't overnight again until he was routinely I felt care of Dr, in therapy etc.
Recently he has been saying that his por mental health at that time was because of me stopping the kids overnighting, but actually he's got the chicken and egg confused.
In August again he's doing well, started therapy, taking meds we're all getting along brilliantly. I almost can't believe how positive relationships seem to be. ( Not at all romantic, but being open on conversations , sharing in a healthy way) So I said let's restart overnights, and he takes the kids away for a night and to visit a theme park, something I'm currently unable to manage and it was the highlight of the school hols.
In the last month or so we have had a bunch of very stressful assessment appointments for both kids and he has been engaged and supportive throughout. Through this whole neurodivergent journey, he now identifies with ADHD, maybe autism and possibly PDA too. I certainly feel like I'm autistic too.
Recently I said why are you not having the kids, you seem well enough, he said he's really nervous, lost his confidence, and it was then he told me I was to blame etc etc. I diverted that conversation to the here and now and we made a plan for them to stay over this Saturday. Kids looking forward to it.
Usually on Wednesdays, we call it a daddy night, exH puts both the kids to bed and I get a couple of hours off (usually doing laundry!). Ds was refusing to have a daddy bedtime and actually has been saying this for a week I think now. Ds was really really tired this morning and we had quite difficult time, however, the afternoon was lovely making Halloween decorations. So ds came in to see me in the kitchen, said I want a mummy bedtime, very cuddly. I tried to persuade him otherwise. ExH came in very impatient and harumphing , telling ds this is out of order you just need to come now or put yourself to bed (he had earlier been telling me about how he was upset about a colleague who he felt like was taking the Mickey out of him). Ds told exH to 'shut up!', which was a little startling. He's not normally so bold and vocal. On reflection, I'm now a bit proud of him for standing up for himself! ExH was cross about him talking to him rudely / disrespectfully .. after a bit he said 'Well you shut up' To ds which I was appalled at, he said ' well he said it first', I said 'he's five' . I said something like I'm so sorry daddy spoke to you like that. And shortly after exH was saying to me that was a knob-headish thing to say and a little bit later explicitly called me a knob head. And then I said I think it's time you left .. he later texted to say that's it, it's the last time you throw me out. I'm not coming for dinners anymore. The kids can come and see me at home and I'm sure that means I won't see very much of ds.
I feel like the text was very reactive and I'm quite sure he'll come down from that and regret what he said. This is a pattern I've seen many times before. But it's still very upsetting all round.
Both kids were wobbled and after I recovered myself I gathered us all in my bed for stories and my 'special' herbal tea that I make whenever this sort of thing is necessary with lots of chamomile and a bit of valerian to soothe! As usual I didn't the rest of the evening feeling all blank and vacant, I have dissociated in the past, not so bad this time thank goodness, but this morning it's still alli can think of.
Sorry a bit of a long winded explanation! I just don't know what to do next. My inclination is nothing, wait and see what he comes up with. No doubt he is really doing badly today and will be feeling dreadful .
Last night ds woke I crying, and ds was sleep walking..
I feel sure that telling a small child ( with a nervous system disability) to shut up because he told you to shut up is just really bad but I'm not sure if I'm being oversensitive about being called a knob head...