Need advice about my teen son

[advicepleaseasap]

Name changed for this

This is long and messy but I need to make a decision by tomorrow morning so I need to know what to do. I appreciate any advice

I am Indian and married a man in the UK. I have two children (15 and 18) but my husband is very controlling and has a drink problem. He works hard for our family and helps around the house but earns more than me and feels he has a right to do as he pleases because of this

My eldest goes to uni in London and lives at home but wants to go to visit friends who are in uni in Leicester and wants to spend a night there. He has talked about it for a week or so and I have said for him to ask his dad. He hasn’t felt comfortable doing this till now and has left it to the last minute to ask him but his dad has had too much to drink this evening so he knows it will turn into an argument if he asks him now and he wants to go tomorrow.

He has had a chat with me and said he’s going tomorrow no matter what. He’s basically saying he doesn’t care what his dad says and he wants to go. He’s asked me to lie for him and tell his dad he’s going to Essex to spend a night with his friends there as he thinks he would be more lenient rather than saying he’s going to Leicester.

I am a very anxious person but I also know that it’s important for teenagers to live their life so on one hand I don’t want him to go, but I understand why it’s important for him to have some independence and on the other hand I am petrified that I lie to my husband he goes away to see his friends and something happens and I’ll never forgive myself.

As I am not from this country I need some advice as to what would be the right thing to do as I don’t have anyone to talk to about this

He should go.

But your bigger problem is your abusive husband, OP.

He's 18, and adult. You need to start to let him make his own choices I feel your husband will always think of him as a child

Thank you for replying as I wasn't sure I would get any replies as it seems like I'm asking a stupid question.

I know I have a problem marriage but I do feel trapped too. It's not easy for me to leave as I have no where to go

But my main concern at the moment is the issue of letting my son go tomorrow.

Your son just wants to do what any 18 year old wants to do. He is old enough to drink, drive, have sex, get married, work, go to uniiversity, get a mortgage, leave home so he is old enough to go away with friends. That would be my angle when speaking to his dad. I hope you're OK. It's not easy for teenage boys to talk to their dads when they are confrontational. They know what they will say and dont want a battle which is understandable. Unfortunately this will only lead to secrecy if he doesn't feel like he can be trusted. As a mum it's Down to us to show them we are there for them,support them and have their backs. They are our babies after all but you can't stop time and you have to let them spread their wings at some point. He will be fine x

I hear you and I know you are right. Everything you said is correct. I do trust him and I want him to know I trust him but I'm so scared of my husband too and if he found out I have lied then I'm not sure what he will do. I've never lied to him so starting now feels wrong even though I'm not gaining anything from it. I'm just trying to support my son

Due to my culture I had a very strict upbringing and I know how suffocated I felt. I know I need to let him do more independently but I also have a fear that if I encourage him and something goes wrong and I have allowed him to get into that situation.

I know I sound crazy

Why does he need to ask his dad at all? He's 18 and at university. Surely he just tells everyone that he's going, and if he has good manners, let's you know what time he'll be back

If he was having people to stay at the house, then of course it would be appropriate for him to check that it's ok.

It's how we have been brought up. We had to ask our parents before we did anything and although I have tried to change some of how I was brought up, I can't change my husbands ways even though I do try to speak to him when the kids are not around to ask him to say for him to go easy on them.

He's very controlling. I can't go into everything but as my son is getting older he can see things more clearly and I can see there's anger building up. I want him to do what other boys his age are doing. I want him to live his life but it's hard for him because he's living at home

OP there are two issues here. One is that your son is 18 and an adult so he doesn't need to ask anyone's permission to meet his friends.

However the more pressing issue is that you sound terrified of your husband. He sounds very controlling and domineering and you come across as frightened.

It would be better that your son didn't go if it would put you in danger. However it looks like he's determined and there's not much you can do about that.

I wouldn't tell your husband anything and if he finds out just say you didn't know. Can you contact Ashisna. They're a culturally sensitive domestic abuse organisation who you can talk to regarding your concerns. You can talk to them via live chat Mon-Fri 10-12 or call 0208 539 0427 and select option 2. The helpline is open Mon - Fri 9:30-5pm.

You can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 24/7 0808 2000 247

If your husband becomes threatening or aggressive please dial 999 and call the police.

Your son is 18 legally an adult so doesn't need permission, what he wants to do is a very normal part of growing up.
Worrying about them when they first spread their wings is normal but will lessen overtime.
It's also fairly common for dads and teen boys to clash, but not for them to be scared of their dad .
If your son goes I would tell DH that he told you at the last minute he was visiting friends this weekend and as he is 18 and an adult you can't stop him and it is a very normal/natural thing for any 18year old to do. You perhaps can say you thought DS had told him but perhaps he can't recall as he was drinking. Although maybe that will just make it worse!
I do really think you need to get out of this relationship for your own welfare and that of your DC. .
I don't underestimate how difficult that is.
You will be entitled to 50% of all assets upon divorce.
Do speak to a domestic violence charity and see if you can get a free consultation with a solicitor.
You may end up losing contact with your children if your DH pushes them away and tries to control them in adulthood.
Would your DH try and throw your DS out of the family home if he went away without permission? Will your DH be abusive to you and your younger DC if DS goes?
You all sound scared of your and it's not fair on you or your DC to live like this.

I wouldn't lie, but just be a bit vague. So I would just say he's staying with friends but you're not sure which ones. His dad can phone him for more details but he doesn't have to answer. It's about time your DH learned that 18 yr olds can make their own decisions.

Oh bless you OP what a tough situation for you, my heart is going out to you. 🫶. Your son should be able to go however, if you think there is a risk of harm from your husband towards you or your son then you have to tell your son this and suggest it’s not worth the risk this time. BUT THEN you need to work on a plan to get you and your son out, you must seek help with this situation OP, it sounds very isolating and you and your son shouldn’t have to go through this xxx

your son is 18 and at uni, he doesn’t need permission to go away for a weekend.

And I’m sorry that you feel such an unbalance of power in your home and that your husband is a drunk.

you don’t have to live this way.

its ok to leave.

there are groups who can support you if you want to leave.

I understand your dilemma OP. It's easy for us to say he's 18, an adult and can do what he wants but I am deeply aware how strict families from your background are. 16, 18, 21, these ages don't mean a thing. He is living at home and it is about the culture and way of life. I am not Indian but many of my friend are and even when in their early 20s they had to lie to their parents about where they were going and who they were with while they were living at home. I am worried about the consequences for you if he finds out you lied. I think you need to leave this one to your son to tell him. I don't think he should get you to lie for him.

Your son is 18. He sounds like a good sensible boy who is clever enough to be at uni... so of course there's no problem with him going to visit his friend. You know the majority of 18 year olds wouldn't even ask or tell you.
At 18 I wouldn't have even thought to mention that I was going to stay at a friend's, let alone asked for permission.
Your problem is your husband.
Of course you should support your son. Don't join in with your husbands controlling abuse. Your relationship with your son is more important. He needs to see that you are on his side. You are his mother and thar is the most important bond.
I hope one day you find the strength and support to leave your bully off husband.
Please don't throw away your relationship with your son over your husbands wishes.

Thank you for the replies.

My son has asked me to wake him up earlier tomorrow so he can speak to his dad about going away for the weekend before he leaves for work.

I haven't been able to sleep just thinking about how he's going to have the conversation, what he's going to say and then I'm going to have to back him up with whatever he says but know I'm lying. I know I have to do this for him but I won't be able to rest again in my head until he gets back as I'll worry the whole time he's not here in case something happens. I know I'm not thinking straight. I am tired but can't switch off

How did it go OP?

Yes he did.

He spoke to his dad this morning and it was bubbling into a heated discussion as he was saying no to him but I spoke to his dad afterwards and explained that we need to let him grow up and experience life. I reminded him of how we were brought up and how hard it was for us.

After that he didn't tell him he could go, but didn't say no either, so I told him he could go.

I asked him to message me when he got there which he did.

As you can probably tell, I'm not sleeping much tonight either as I'm stressed out but I know it was important to my son and had to find the courage to fight his corner

Oh dear.
Your son is old enough to make decisions for himself.
As others have told you, he’s old enough for a great many things.
What concerns me is your husband’s tyrannical rule over your household, and how terrified you sound of him.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
Do you think you deserve it?
It’s not my business, but I hope you’re okay.
Sending love to you from across the Atlantic.

I have a son who is 18 and in yr13 - we used live in London, I think if your son goes to uni in London he is very well prepared to travel to leister for one night. I would let my son go.