WhatsApp - what are your rules?

[BaronessOrczy]

DD is in Year 7 and has had a phone since the start of the school year. She is ND and I am concerned about her WhatsApp usage and her understanding of how her updates are perceived by others. At mine there are rules - phones off at a certain time, left downstairs overnight, time is limited on them each day. If we are going out then phones are generally to be left at home. However all school homework and much of the fun things we do together (both in a duolingo streak together etc) contradict this and obviously with the starting school they’re all messaging each other. I have held firm and there’s no Snapchat, insta, etc.

This week she’s with her dad and yesterday I was contacted by two friends concerned about what she was posting on WhatsApp. There was a constant stream of ‘I’m bored’ status updates, random shots of her pouting and posting what was, frankly, absolute drivel.

I didn’t even know status updates were a thing on WhatsApp and clearly need to rectify that. I have also spoken to my ex and flagged my concerns. She hasn’t posted since. Her sister self regulates and isn’t that into socials so I’m on a steep learning curve here.

Obviously I want to be reasonable, rather than just banning it, but I’d appreciate help on how to manage this going forward. I have said to my ex that whatever approach we take it needs to be consistent in both homes and he is supportive of that.

Are you sure it's WhatsApp? Where is she posting? To other people? The status is when you click on someone's name and see it, it isn't visible unless you go looking so not sure how people are even noticing?

There are status updates on WhatsApp, on the tabs at the bottom of the screen, but I've never ever used them.

My y7 has no social media and no WhatsApp. To all intents and purposes he has a basic phone (iPhone but no SM or internet apps) with only music, maps, and some basic games.

My older child (y10), who is very sensible, despite having had lots of restriction which we've gradually reduced, is becoming almost addicted to her phone and iPad (which we had to get for school 🙄).
She does also read on it, but also spends on inordinate amount of time on Snapchat and everything else. And this is a really sensible, high achieving student. But if we say, right, you need to put your phone away for a bit, and do something else, she does listen to be fair.

We have a no phones in bedrooms at night rule, phones all have downtime and all the usual restrictions.

In contrast our Y7 child is far less sensible and very easily distracted, and I really thought a smartphone was just too much for him to deal with. Even on his imessages I sometimes have to say why are you texting this drivel?! So he has an iPhone, but basically with no apps other than those he really needs (he gets train into city for school and has a walk/bike ride either end...)

There has already been two WhatsApp 'incidents' in the y7s year, one where a parent had messaged a child who seemingly had been given their child hassle, 😵‍💫, causing the school to remind parents that WhatsApp isn't intended for under 13s. Luckily that's one thing now that we don't have to worry about.

I think it's all a massive PITA.

No if someone changes it, it flags as 'new' so is there to click on, like a message.

There's few "tabs" in whatsapp if you see at the bottom of the app. Chats is where all messages are, "updates" is where you see all stories you refer to (or green ring around the profile picture in the chats). It's similar to FB or insta stories, visible 24 hours etc

I couldn't get worked up about the status updates, all of what young teens post is absolute drivel! DD and her friends went through a stage of this, now they're a year or two older they find friends who still do this embarrassing and attention seeking. I tend to leave DD to it, to learn for herself. Our rules are nothing identifying on the internet, name, photos, location etc (except in sm groups with only friends she knows in real life), Same behaviour expected online as in real life, it's easier to be rude/mean online, and her phone has time limits. I would like to limit the phone a lot more in the evenings, but it's how she accesses homework. What's wrong with an old fashioned paper homework diary? 🤷

I wouldn't come down too heavy because you want her to talk to you about all of the phone related drivel and drama now so that when some oik sends her inappropriate photos or messages in the teen years she hopefully will feel she can talk to you about it too

It’s definitely WhatsApp. As you say, I don’t want her not to be able to talk to me about it, it’s not a draconian response I want to give but a balanced one.

we have the same rules about location and photos of others etc. I want her to be able to use it responsibly and to be fair when it’s come down to a couple of incidents in groups she’s come and talked to me about it and removed herself from the group as she wasn’t happy with it.

It’s all a balance. But she needs to understand that people who don’t understand the teenage world of today are concerned about her - her grandparents and cousins etc plus family friends - plus I also worry about where all this nonsense is coming from. I can practically hear her brain cells fall out of her ears when she’s watching reels on YouTube!