Making it clear I don’t want DM there for my c-section

[QuietlyStorming]

Firstly, I love and respect DM deeply. We’re close, and she’s a huge part of our lives. We talk daily and DD(4) has weekly sleepovers.

DM’s an extrovert, always up for a chat and thrives in activity. I’m introverted and need a lot of calm and quiet, especially when stressed.

I’m facing a high-risk pregnancy with a planned c-section and possible complications. DM has been very supportive, but she’s recently mentioned taking time off to be at the hospital, she knows she can’t be in the room but said she wants to be “nearby.” I know she’s trying to help, but her presence, however well-meaning, would add stress for me and DP.

When 1st DD was born (c section in covid times) having just DP there bought the calm I needed. DM, on the other hand, needs activity, sound and entertainment, quite frankly I can see her energy really stressing me out in the moments I need stillness and quiet the most.

A similar thing happened when I had an operation a few years ago and DM came to stay with us to ‘look after me’. I ended up feeling like we had to entertain her, she complained about being a bit bored and all I wanted to do was sleep, recover and think about myself or nothing for a bit.

I also feel strongly that DD would be best supported by DM during this time, especially for school pick-ups and the stability of having her nan with her when mum and dad aren’t. DM brushed this off, saying my DBs can handle it. While that’s true (both my DBs are amazing) knowing DD has her nan for comfort would make me feel more relaxed and let me focus on myself and baby.

How do I gently explain that at 40, with DP by my side, what I would really need and appreciate the most is her being there for DD rather than being physically at the hospital with me? I know it’s hard for her not to see me as her little girl, yet peace and calm is so important. But I really don’t want to offend or hurt her feelings.

I would explain that waiting at the hospital is an American TV thing and tell her that you’ll feel a lot better /less stressed if she was at her house with dd as if it were a normal day.

I think your best bet is to focus on your daughter, and how you want DD to stay with your DM she would feel much more secure with your DM rather than DBs. That way you're not criticising her, but showing her that she is a very important part of your family.

If she pushes agaist this, you need to push back, you could say that you will be less stressed if you know that your DD is with your DM, and get your husband to back you up if necessary - perhaps he could ring her and tell her that you're stressed about not being able to make the arrangements you think are best for your daughter?

Your post reminds me of how I was with my first child.
My mother and I are not close but my mother is a very take charge kind of person, and had worked as a nurse in her earlier years.
When I went into hospital to have my DD, my mother announced that she would come in with me.
My DH was at work and I am an only child and I was very upset at the thought of her pushing her way in where I did not want her to be.
I was afraid to say anything because that's the way my mother affected me, she would take over any situation and no one really dared to challenge her.
To this day I'll never forget the very sharp eyed and observant nurse who was admitting me.
She sized up the situation immediately and she very firmly instructed my mother to please wait in the waiting room.
This doesn't really help you op, because it was this wonderful nurse who saved the day by exerting authority over my mother, who for once couldn't or didn't challenge it.

You're not responsible for her feelings, just tell her. You don't need to pussy foot around it.

"I would really need and appreciate the most is you being there for DD rather than being physically at the hospital with me. Peace and calm is so important to me and I know you like to keep busy.
I know DD will need you for comfort and it would make me feel more relaxed and let me focus on myself and baby."

@Yeahnoforsure funnily enough my DM works at a hospital too. I think this gives her a bit of that authoritative feeling that she can be useful and get things done if I need. Where that’s true sometimes, I just don’t see it in this situation, especially as I’m under the care of an incredible specialist team who have been very responsive and amazing all round. I have no worries about my care.

I’m so glad you had wonderful nurse to help you navigate that, stroke of luck!

This is so true! It is a cultural thing for us though. Pre-pandemic it wasn’t unusual for extended family to pile into the waiting room when a woman in the family gave birth, especially a firstborn. (I never got it personally and always questioned how useful or considerate that practice was to the new mum or even just other patients or hospital staff…but then again me, my introverted-ness and ‘new age ideas’ have always been a bit black sheep-y as far as my family are concerned 😅)

You say no.
And if any trouble then sort child and dont tell her date and time.

@Notagain24 I think your approach feels right. I know it’s coming from a good place so I don’t want to hurt her feelings and focusing on how important her role is in our family by tending to DD (which it really is!) might help land the message. Thanks

Just tell her she wasn’t present when the baby was being made, and you only want the baby maker to be with you in the hospital.

👏👏🤣

I get why she wants to be near you when you are in that situation. I can understand why she might be a bit deaf to anything other than being at hand.

Just gently remind her there’s absolutely nothing she can do at the hospital, that your husband will keep her informed and your daughter will be much happier with her rather than her uncles as she spends more time with her and will find her more comforting when she also might feel worried for you.

I think you need to be really honest with her that you don’t want her there but what you do need is the reassurance that she will be with her dd. And I think you also need to rope your db’s into being unavailable. If she has a job, hopefully it will keep her occupied. (I also couldn’t have imagined anything worse than my mum being around when I gave birth 😳)

I could never! But this is funny 😂🤭

You are just going to have to be firm - 'Mum, I love you but I don't want anyone else at the hospital, just me & DH. I really need you to look after DD so I can focus on the birth without worrying about her. Thank you for understanding'

Some good advice here, take it🙏
My dd had her first baby this year, c-section due to health reasons.
It took every ounce of my self-control not to go up the hospital, it took way longer than expected, I started to panic, being egged on by my dsis "she's your daughter, go up the hospital".
I held off as I knew I wasn't wanted or needed.
Your dm needs telling straight, set some boundaries.

If she's needy of constant entertainment remind her how bored she will be hanging around hospital corridors considering only one birth partner is allowed in for c section births. If she doesn't want to look after your little one just arrange alternative childcare and not tell her hospital arrangements

Make a major thing about how important it is that DD has her nan and that she is happy whilst your are in the hospital and best place for her is with your DM. You don't need to reject her offer of being at the hospital just make her feel needed in looking after DD. I can't think of any more an important a role

@MamaBear4ever said exactly what I was about to post!