Unspoken rules of WhatsApp

[KittyNotPitty]

Parents of kids in Year 7/8/9, what are the unspoken rules of WhatsApp? My daughter (12) just got her first mobile phone and is navigating the world of WhatsApp. She's in several Year 7 group chats and is exchanging messages with both new and old friends. However, she’s feeling unsure about how to engage appropriately without coming across as immature or annoying. For instance, she prefers typing full sentences while most others use acronyms, catchphrases, memes and emoji's.

She doesn’t spend hours on her phone and won’t be able to reply to messages instantly, especially in busy group chats where messages pile up. What’s the best approach? Should she leave messages unread, read and reply later, or ignore memes and posts that don’t interest her? Additionally, she’s part of a few larger year 7 groups, which she doesn't post on but feels too embarrassed to leave. Is it rude to sit in groups without posting or only posting sometimes?

Any tips on navigating these situations, as well as advice on maintaining a positive and safe online presence to help with both new and existing friendships, would be greatly appreciated.

We want to help her build confidence and socialise without falling into any dramas or pitfalls. Please don't suggest she shouldn't be on WhatsApp—it's helping her make friends and organise meet-ups. Thank you!

I think you and your daughter might be overthinking it a bit! I promise Whatsapp isn't that daunting.

In my opinion: She can message however she wants to. Most people do tend to use acronyms but nobody is going to care if she does. She doesn't need to use emojis if she doesn't want to. I know that some emojis no longer mean what they seem - as in 😂is instead replaced with 😭for a laughing emoji I think? I'd say she doesn't need to use full stops or anything as apparently it can come off as cold but it doesn't really matter. She can text how she wants to pretty much, most people should be fine with that!

Regarding group chats, it depends how big the chat is. If it is a class chat and she doesn't have anything new or important to say, she can leave it. It will not be seen as rude. If it's a couple of people she is close with, she can probably respond to a few messages. Also it is not rude to sit in groups without posting or rarely posting at all.

Whatsapp is excellent for keeping in touch with friends but I think you should just leave her to it. Encourage her to message friends she's met privately as well as on group chats and try to maybe see that she is online when big chats are happening although that can't always be the case obviously

You sounds very wise @theorangecounty. DD is my PFB and the first at high school so it's all so different to the small and cosy primary she went to.

We are probably slightly overthinking it but your post is very informative and helpful. Some kids from her old school were moaning and pointing out that some of their old friends who are on the same group never post anything. I know dd would prefer to avoid being singled out like this but good to hear that it's actually ok to sit on some groups and not post much.

Would love to hear more dos and don'ts and implied etiquette such as the meaning of various acronyms and popular phrases. Much of it must come from TikTok, which I don't personally use, so feeling out of the loop and out of my depth.

In my experience with my dc's it can be seen as rude or a snub you're 'left on read' (doesn't seem to be the case for boys) so you've read the message i.e. the blue ticks are showing and she's not responded fairly quickly.

You can change the settings so the WhatsApp messages come up on your Lock Screen on your phone then a) it's good for you to monitor/cast your eye over and also means she can read them and respond in her own time e.g one might just be general chit chat but if she can see there's a one to one message with someone asking a question she can open that up and reply when she has time.

Just to clarify the above - this isn't the case really when in a big class chat or large group like the above poster said more like a small group or one to one

I would turn off her “last seen” and online status, and also read receipts. This way, no one can chase her for a response and also, if yours is off she can’t see if anyone else is online either, which reduces anxiety about why someone may not be replying to messages.

Thanks. So it's better to keep a message unread until she is able to reply, even if it's the next day, rather than read and reply later?Or, as some have suggested change the setting to grey ticks only, but I'd worry that this in itself has another implied meaning. It seems a bit of a minefield.

She has started calling lots of girls besties when messaging but she barely knows them. Is this a GenZ or TikTok thing too? feeling old

I wouldn't turn it off unless others have theirs turned off tbh , and yeah it can be a bit of a mine field, it may be seen as rude if she is online and doesn't answer messages specifically for her . If she's not a big one for having her phone attached to her hand constantly, which is how my 14 year old is it's fine to reply when she reads them as everyone can see she's not online. We'll this is what my 14 year old says anyway, however, he dies also say the girls are more likely to ask why you haven't replied than the boys but he's in year 9 now

It wouldn't hurt to just like the memes when she has a bit of time to do it.

I hate the group WhatsApps, my year 7 is struggling a bit with it all

Oh and monitor them, I've seen quite a bit of bullying or unpleasant behaviour on them over the years, it's even happened already with the ones my year 7 is on

It wouldn't hurt to just like the memes when she has a bit of time to do it.

How to best 'like' them though, as thumbs upping or hearting the actual message is more common with my own friends middle aged mums and I haven't seen any such responses on dd's messages. I've seen the skull emoji used, would that be appropriate 😅😂

I feel idiotic asking these questions. I swear I have been a fairly competent mother making my own decisions regarding most things but I haven't got an idea what's an appropriate and engaging WhatsApp communication and how to advise dd. Other kids are taking to it like a fish to water or had the phones for longer and are on Tiktok.

Mumsnet's old emoji's are my personal comfort zone

Well I really recommend reading the info at smartphone free childhood. You've given her all the tech with none of the tools to keep herself safe.

@5475878237NC ?? Thanks for your post but I'm not interested in smartphone free childhood.

I would say hearting the meme or picture is fine, not liking it. Skull emoji is getting less popular I think but it is still used sometimes.

Don't turn off her blue tick thing, people might think it's odd. Definitely turn off last seen/online - most people have it off anyway. If she doesn't want to read a message, she can just not click on it I think.

Besties is a GEN z tiktok thing yes 😁It is less popular with older teens now but probably still popular with younger children.

If acronyms are used that she is unfamiliar with, google will most likely give the answer. As she texts other people, she will probably naturally understand what all of it means.

@5475878237NC Whatsapp is fine and OP is clearly thinking about what her daughter is posting on there or she wouldn't have made a post on here!

I don't know about twelve year olds, but j can't stand when an adult turns off their read receipts.

Encourage her not to be a slave to the phone, it's a device for her convenience not something that gets her to do its bidding. The more you can encourage space from the device and messaging the safer she'll be.

Why? You sound a bit controlling. Turn off anything that allows people to keep tabs on her and you I say, including putting a VPN on her device - or using the inbuilt one if it has one.

Why can I not stand it? Because I find it rude. It wastes my time having to text and call the person to make sure they've got the information.

But if their number is right then they'll pick up the text when they pick it up. Do you chase the postman down the street and stand over the recipient to make sure they've got your letter?

you are way too invested, a bit creepily so. Or is it yourself trying to get down with the kids. weird weird post.

If it's a change of meeting point they need to know straight away so it causes loads of problems for me.

Then phone them.

Mine says the skull emoji is popular still as is the crying emoji which means crying with laughter to gen z apparently

Honestly op, this is the perfect situation to let go a bit (as in let her figure out the social norms, not let her have free reign over her phone). Let her figure out what is or isnt wrong

She will soon figure out how to navigate Whatsapp and how the other kids in the chat groups chat and respond. I don't think she needs tips from mums on MN.

I would take her out of whole class or whole year group chats, they very often end up leading to incidents of bullying or inappropriate comments which will then get reported to the school and potentially she could get in trouble even if she wasn't the one instigating it.

How do you navigate WhatsApp?
Me, as a 50 plus adult, I reply to messages when I can, even if I read them hours ago. I don't care if I read it hours ago and people know that. So be it. If I have nothing to add, so be it. Sometimes I acknowledge a message with an emoji either for support or literally acknowledgement (with nothing more to add!).
I would advise you to tell your DD to be herself on there. Let her work it out, let her navigate it and work out what's best for her. There are no rules to follow, there are no rights and wrongs and if there are, let her either work them out or have the confidence not to care. Tbh you already admit yourself you're kinda out of the loop of what is right or wrong, so tbh there's not much you can add other than advise her to be careful and have the strength to navigate it herself.

My adult kids are on it, one rarely acknowledges anything even in very very big groups, my other one will reply/acknowledge when he can even if it days late. The thing is I'm not, my kids nor you, are in year 7. Let her be to work it out herself 👍