Dear Aggressive Drivers,
(usually men)
I do hope you love your big, shiny black tank. Perhaps you didn't get to play with toy soldiers enough when you were a child? Hopefully you now get that sense of glee from screaming down the roads in your armoured personnel carrier. Are you dressed in camouflage as well? Jolly good. As we all know, it's essential to be sixteen feet off the ground in a car the size of a small planet when popping to Sainsbury's. What might befall you if you didn't have three tonnes of metal to insulate you from the dangers of the world? It doesn't bear thinking about.
I choose to interpret your driving five inches from my back bumper as a sign that you crave affection and closeness. You're an affectionate sort who hates to be alone, right?
Or, perhaps, you're showing me how you'd thrust away in bed, and I'm meant to melt into an admiring puddle at your virility? Obviously, most women want to be relentlessly humped, so you're probably overwhelmed with ladies throwing themselves at your feet as you emerge from your wankmobile in the car park of Iceland, no? All that accelerating towards cars that dare to drive in front of you - that's so sexy. So... attractive. Like that bloke in the bar who won't leave a woman alone even when the bouncer intervenes. Mmmmmmmm, yummy.
Of course, we all associate the size of your vehicle with the size of your self-regard, and swoon accordingly. No doubt you bought an off road capable car because you are a lumberjack who hauls enormous loads...
And your disregard for safety and speed limits just tells me you're a wild loner who doesn't live by the rules. A bad boy, who lives life on the edge. Who doesn't want a relationship with someone who is more likely to end up in ICU, amirite? That's every woman's dream!
Love
The woman who drove at the speed limit with your Xenon headlights in her rear view mirror all the way home. It was like Christmas. Thanks.