Presents you buy just for you

[Ineedaholidayagain]

I'm not great at getting none necessary things for myself, for example my trainers have holes in the top and I'm over researching a new pair, whereas I'll drop 50 pounds easy on trainers for the kids.
I've just got myself a dress on vinted, 10 pounds but pure extravagance as no idea when I'll wear it.

Oooh I've been where you are! When DS was born, money was tight and I prioritised buying better quality for him and really let myself go. When I started having a little more disposable income, I really struggled to treat myself!

Something I found helped was putting aside money each month for a personal spending fund, from which I can treat myself guilt free! It still took a while to get into the habit of liking something and buying it, but having that pot of money helped.

Another thing was to stop listening to what I 'should' want to buy, and just buying what made me happy. Perfectly happy in my Primark granny pants and 2 year old mascara, as long as I can indulge in my £6 Starbucks from time to time :)

What’s the dress like?

It’s not extravagance, it’s planning ahead. When an occasion arises (or when you create one) you’ll have something ready.

And it’s good for your children to understand that you are also worthy of nice things.

Would it help if you changed your mindset to not think of essential footwear as 'presents'? If your trainers have holes in, they need replacing, unless you already have another pair to wear.

Also to plan your budget so you include a certain amount of spending money for yourself after essentials, family discretionary spending, savings etc?

Then you can spend that money on anything you want/need for yourself.

Its a cos play dress, so a complete extravagance unless I get invited to a fancy dress party :-) glad to see I'm not the only one.

I do have money each month for myself but use it for extra pension contributions or charity or to treat other people. I really am bottom of my list.

Start moving yourself up the priority list a bit. It’s good for your DC (how old are they?) to see that their mother matters too! Unless you really don’t want material things. I make a point of buying something just for me about once a month/every other month. If you can afford it, do it. Life is too short and I work too damn hard not to! I’m talking a mid-range beauty product, new perfume, new top …

So - it sounds as if there has been a period in your life when you’ve been told, or given to understand, that you don’t deserve the basic nice things other people enjoy? Perhaps by family members or a partner? If so, it can be incredibly hard to break out of that acquired belief.

Your cosplay dress sounds like something that needs displaying. Either on a tailor’s dummy or simply on a hanger on the wall, so you can enjoy seeing it.

But please don’t feel bad about buying it. Where I live, £10 is pretty much the price of a coffee and a pastry in the nicer cafes.

My dc are teens, I've tried to bring them to as not materialistic but one is label obsessed so I'm navigating that. Normally I'm not a materialistic person but I do buy the basics so I'm not sure what's stopping me popping into the sketchers shop and getting some trainers, we can afford it, I need trainers for winter and yet it seems a step too far.
Growing up we had no money so I never asked for anything as I felt like an intruder in the family, then I had no fixed abode so things don't matter much to me. But I have money and security now and I also have wet feet!

Don’t martyr yourself! You need new shoes, you can afford new shoes, buy new shoes. It’s as simple as that. It’s damaging for your children to see you not valuing yourself and putting yourself bottom of the pile… is that how you want them to see themselves if/when they have their own families?

I would consider new shoes a necessary requirement for your health. If one of your children was insisting on wearing old ones with holes in when they had money available for new ones I bet you'd tell them to get on with it.

Your health, well being and happiness is just as important as everyone else's.

Have you had any counselling, @Ineedaholidayagain? I don’t say that lightly - but it could definitely help to free you of this particular difficulty.

Flowers. Only cheap ones from Lidl or Aldi but it's a little treat for myself

This makes me really sad. You matter too OP and you really need to mentally move yourself up that list. It's not healthy for you to see yourself as lesser, but it's also not modelling anything good for your kids - they need to see you as your own person and that that person is of great value.
Buy yourself the trainers. Nothing good is coming from you martyring yourself and walking around with wet feet when you can afford to buy new ones.

As others have said, OP, move yourself up that list! Trainers when yours have holes don't even count as being extravagant. If you can afford little treats, then you should give them to yourself.

Mine are:

Nails. I get my nails done once (sometimes twice) a month. £29, BIAB, and sometimes nail art. My lady is fantastic and I always feel put together when I've had them done.

Books. Sometimes even if I've read it but there's a version with a beautiful cover, I buy it.

I like to browse Vinted for nice dresses. I have a collection of some really lovely frocks now, all different styles, and I don't care that I don't need a new one. I feel fabulous swanning around in them! My latest was a Victorian-esque chemise thing, and sitting there drinking tea of a morning wearing it makes my day!

Incense. I love all of the different smells from independent shops, so I've got a little collection. I do the same with herbal tea!

Spoil yourself, OP. We all deserve it and life is short!