Facing ex in court soon. Not sure how to act?

[Wishitwasstraightforward]

H walked out after 10+ year marriage 18 months ago. Gave me a written list of 'issues' most of which he'd never ever mentioned previously. They were pretty brutal and misogynistic. I stumbled about for a couple of days trying to show him I could change (which in hindsight I regret).

He packed a bag, told me he needed time away so was staying with his sister but would be back. We tried counselling, both committed to 6 sessions but at session 2 he decided the spark would never return and walked out.

I filed for divorce a few weeks later because although I was devastated I decided I wanted to focus on the future.

The divorce process has been utterly brutal. I'm not being unreasonable, and just want it all over so that I can move on.

He agreed to mediation but cancelled before first appointment. He has been ruthless at every turn, lied, hidden assets and drawn things out as much as possible. I don't want to focus too much here on the details of the divorce other than to say that in a few weeks we have a second court hearing (an FDR). I really hoped it wouldn't come to this but TBH without court intervention this will never end.

Since he walked away from counselling 18 months ago I've seen him once over 'zoom' during an initial court hearing (neither of us were invited to speak) and again when I had to hand some boxes of paperwork to him. On that occasion I answered the door, I said hello, he did not answer, he looked at me like thunder. I was not afraid he'd hurt me but his overall demeanour made me feel scared and unsafe so I said I'd leave him to it and waited away to one side quietly whilst he loaded his car, he slammed my front door, and drove off without a word. TBH I was really relived that he wasn't nasty, but also taken aback that he had chosen not to speak a single word.

I'd like to ask if anyone can suggest how best to behave towards him at court? There will be an hour in-front of a judge in the morning and then another session later on. Either side of that we are expected to do negotiation lead by our respective barristers and I think that during that time we sit away from each other and let the barristers mediate between us.

My step dad will be with me and EXH will have his family with him although we can't take anyone actually into the court sessions. His sister terrifies me and I've since found out that she disliked me from the start. I've no intention on delving into why or turning this into a Jeremy Kyle type situation.

I'm a born people pleaser and hate confrontation. I regret the begging and pleading that I did when he first left. I regret taking his 'list' to heart. In hindsight I can see he was nasty controlling man, and I'm better off without him. I feel like I should be pleasant when I see him, but I'm not sure if that's a bit pathetic- TBH I don't really know any other way of acting. I don't want to be a pushover and I hope to keep some self respect but can't imagine how to behave other than being polite and approachable. Do I say hello? Do I smile? If not then what do I do?

Despite being treated horribly I'm not sure I can 'blank' him. It feels childish.

I realise that what I'm worrying about here is a tiny part of a big problem, and the main issue is how we get the divorce agreed. I am clear that I have to stand up for what is right, and I will definitely do that as best I can- but the correct way to behave in his presence, whether to greet him etc. is playing heavily on my mind.

Can anyone offer any advice?

I am sorry you are having to go through this, he sounds like a total shit.
If you can manage it I think I would try for polite but distant, look up the grey rock technique for pointers. You want to make sure you don't look unreasonable, but you don't owe him anything at all, certainly not friendliness or pleasantries.
Best of luck x

@Raquelos thank you for your thoughts. I've just googled the grey rock technique and it looks helpful .

If you get to Court early, you get the pick of the waiting rooms (at least you did at the Court I was at). It also means you are out of the way when the other side arrives and you don't need to engage with them. I don't think I even acknowledged his presence. You address the Court and speak with the Judge. Any questions were asked through the Court or via Solicitors/ Barrister.

You need enough time with your Barrister to run through scenarios so you understand how your 'play' is going to be, but also how their 'play' might go and how you deal/answer it. You need to trust your legal team to do their thing. If you have any questions, no matter how daft you think they are, ask your team, it's what you are paying them for. If your ex has failed to engage in the process, they should be able to use that to your advantage.

You will be fine. Once you get going, it passes quickly. Don't feel you have to talk to him or his family. They are of no importance to you any more, don't give them that power. Rise above their mind games and focus on your end goal. It will soon be all over and you will be free of him.

Thank you @unsync, I am really grateful to hear from someone who has "been there" and your approach sounds sensible.

I hadn't realised there might be actual waiting rooms, I'd imagined big corridors and open rooms. Am now hoping my court has them!

I really really hope his lack of engagement is noted. I've turned myself inside out and had little sleep at times providing everything needed, in detail with backup. Ex had provided the bare minimum at best, his forms are full of contradictory information and have confused the hell out of me.

Luckily my barrister seems very astute and pragmatic. I am burning the candle at both ends preparing paperwork that I'd probably never going to be read by him but I'm so used to being gaslit left right and centre that I want hi be able to prove as much as i possibly can.

It is very stressful. The Judge in my case was extremely unimpressed with my ex's lack of engagement. I had to get Court Bailiffs to serve papers and we had to vacate hearings a couple of times as he just didn't respond.

Of course he then thought he could come up with a cock and bull story about his behaviour and he would get his own way. It was exactly how he behaved during the marriage, he was always right, nothing was his fault and he always got what he wanted. The Judge saw right through it, wasn't going to allow any manipulation, was deeply unimpressed and pulled him up on it. I think it affected the final judgement. My Barrister wiped the floor with him. It was very satisfying and worth every penny.

The first two times I went to court I was unrepresented and had to wait in the general waiting room with him and OW and petty criminals. It was awful. The third time I had a solicitor and a friend with me and we were taken to a waiting room . I only saw him in the court and listening to the blatant lies he told gave me the strength to fight and answer the questions I was asked . My solicitor was very good and picked holes in his evidence. The end result was ok but it was such a relief for it all to be over . Good luck x

I'm so glad your exs games were called out and you had a great final settlement due to this.

Hopefully your post has really helped OP realise that the games are a headfuck but if you don't engage and give them enough rope.....!

I agree with the being polite but grey rocking approach. Answer any questions he may throw at you politely - it will be part of his game. If you cannot commit to an answer just reply politely "I'll discuss that with my barrister and het back to you".

Tbh you shouldn't be in the situation he can confront you but it's 100% worthwhile being prepared for it.