When you have one child that seems to get everything and the other one not so much

[Iwasjustasking]

Didn’t really know how to title this but here goes! I have two dd’s, there is an age gap of 7+ years between them and they couldn’t be more different. My youngest is feisty, loud, funny and everyone loves her, she has loads of friends, is popular in school and at her extra curriculum activity where she goes several times a week.
My eldest is totally different, she is such a lovely kid, so friendly and thoughful but so quiet, doesn’t make friends easily and was bullied so badly at secondary school that we moved her school, She genuinely is so so nice and such a nice person, just shy and quiet. she also goes to the same activity as my other daughter but doesn’t really talk to anyone there, she has told me before she just doesn’t know what to say to people.
i just feel like life is so much harder for my eldest dd, my younger one gets the main leads in plays and her activity, has an amazing best friend and several other groups of friends, whilst my eldest doesn’t have that all. She works so hard at her activity but is never quite good enough, never really had a good group of friends, would love to do the whole girly going out with friends but doesn’t have anyone to go with, life just seems so much unfairer and harder for her and it breaks my heart, can anyone relate to this? Of course I never mention this to her!

Anyone?

She will find her crew. It may be a very small and select crew, but that’s what she’d prefer/ is best suited to. My adult DS doesn’t have a lot of friends, but he always has one or two- and that’s enough for him.

Is she unhappy? Does she want the big circle of friends?

Och it breaks my heart for her too, that is hard. Mine are like that but it’s the younger who struggles. You just have to hope they find their way, and celebrate them, so everything you can to build confidence. Life is harder on some than others though.

@Jollyjoy it does seem like life is just so much harder for her! I celebrate every last thing but I feel like her sister just has it so much easier than her.
She would love a group of friends that she could go shopping with or the cinema but it’s just never happened. It feels so tough as a parent as I know she gives 100% all of the time. She really tries in her activity but because she isn’t one of the loud or popular ones she gets over looked a lot and it makes me so sad for her. Everything just seems so much harder for her!

My kids have about as opposite personalities as possible. My son is gregarious, fun, very sporty and doesn't leave the house without making a friend.
My daughter is an introvert, very academic and happy in her own company.
I always thought he'd be successful because f his personality and she would because of her brain.
Then the pandemic.
He had a terrible time during Covid - had just left school for vocational college but couldn't do the essential work experience or make friends. Let down by a couple people he respected and his confidence was hit badly.
My daughter sailed through it happy as a clam.
Now he is (21) on his own and is figuring things out - a difficult adjustment. He has worked since he was 16 but has yet to find his thing. His confidence is slowly being restored but it takes time. He doubts himself.
She is at uni and has decided to embrace every opportunity and within three weeks got two positions of responsibility and is looking to do more.
So you just don't know. My confident outgoing boy took a real hit and it changed him. My quiet introvert girl challenged herself and is making her mark.
When I look back at myself as a child I wouldn't say boo to a goose. No one who knows me as an adult could ever imagine me like that. Maturing and life experience is what makes us. Don't feel the fate of your eldest is decided, nor that your youngest will always find it easy. There's nothing you can do but support them and be there when needed.

Aw that’s really sad. What age is she? Could she try out some new activities so she just has some things only for her that she wouldn’t compare herself to her sister? Or get into some new craft or hobby at home that she can get skilled at?

That’s a lovely post, definitely mum wisdom that the op (and I) need to hear!!

You need to put her into activities seperately to her sister. What does she like to do? If she isn’t sure Let her try a few things.

You probably also need to stretch younger daughter a bit more as she might be so confident because she isn’t being challenged enough. Find things you know she will find a bit more challenging (but still fun) and have her try them.

@mondaytosunday thabkyiu, what a lovely and thoughtful post that was, I appreciate it.
there is a large age gap between them dd is nearly 15 and the youngest is 7, they both do the activity but aren’t in the same classes etc, they both do competition level and it’s just hard watching younger dd get all the praise and attention.
i don’t know, i feel like im making it all doom and gloom and it’s really really not, my eldest is very academic, is good at her activity and also does a few extra things at school, it just always seems like life is that much tougher for her and it makes me so sad to see her trying her hardest and never quite getting there, be it with friendships, been chosen for things or just day to day life.

My DS11 is like your eldest daughter. Life is harder for him. Even with little things like when learning to tie his shoes, washing dishes etc. he is introverted, very thoughtful and kind, but has only a handful of friends, isn't very sporty and generally has quite a pessimistic view on life.
My DD9 is the opposite, seems to sail through life, up for anything, very positive, loads of friends, very athletic....and generally just seems to be luckier?
No words of wisdom though...