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Original poster

Why does it seem that so many men don’t care about their children?

81 replies

heirloom · 26/10/2024 20:26

Time and time again I read scenarios where men just drop out of their children’s lives. I can’t fathom how they can care so little about their own children? For example after a divorce, spending years as their father, and poof! Off they trot, rarely or never to be heard from again.

OP posts:
kitsuneghost · 26/10/2024 20:55

heirloom · 26/10/2024 20:26

Time and time again I read scenarios where men just drop out of their children’s lives. I can’t fathom how they can care so little about their own children? For example after a divorce, spending years as their father, and poof! Off they trot, rarely or never to be heard from again.

You are looking at it from the point of view of a woman. A woman has carried and bonded with the child and continues to bond after birth. The man has no such experience (even post birth, mum is boss) plus often feels pushed out and so is more detached than the mother.

VOWarks · 26/10/2024 21:28

I think its a totally different bond for mothers (mostly). Men don't appear to have the same responsibility. When they go out, they don't think 'oh, who's having the children?' It's always mom who has to take responsibility. With jobs, it's usually the mom who has to consider what she can do around the children. Men can just leave, not feel guilt. When Men kill themselves with their children it's usually out of spite, women out of desperation. Sad but I don't think Men know the depth of love that most mom's have, therefore it's easier for them to walk away and visit very conveniently every weekend or so, or not at all whilst proclaiming how much they love them.

TentEntWenTyfOur · 26/10/2024 21:36

They do care about their children but they put themselves first. They don't need to think about putting the kids first, because they have someone else who does that.

<some men, obviously - they're not all like that>

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FruitFlyPie · 26/10/2024 21:49

Not letting shitty men off the hook as I absolutely hate this, but I suppose it's just the way it is. We are mammals at the end of the day - the clue is in the name, we are carried, fed and cared for by our mother.

EveryDayisFriday · 26/10/2024 21:52

It's the wimmins job.

Some guys are great fathers, some are misogynistic pricks who think that having sex is enough to be a father. Thankfully DH is one of the former rather than the latter.

NeckolasCage · 26/10/2024 21:54

kitsuneghost · 26/10/2024 20:55

You are looking at it from the point of view of a woman. A woman has carried and bonded with the child and continues to bond after birth. The man has no such experience (even post birth, mum is boss) plus often feels pushed out and so is more detached than the mother.

Show quote history

Loving the subtle woman blaming there!!

Pushed out - no. More like 99 times out of a hundred extremely happy with a status quo which puts him very much as the optional parent!

How many times on here do we read of desperate new mums at their wits end because their partner sees them as the actual parent and themselves the ‘helper’ ? Mental load much?

Don’t blame the women here even for a second.

Men are different. Most women wish that wasn’t the case, we’d all be happier as a species!

MillyMichaelson · 26/10/2024 21:55

I think they walk away because...well, they can. And let's be honest, a lot of parenting fucking sucks.

But a woman would never be allowed to forget her parental failures for a second, whereas men seem able to wander off into a new life, often to start a replacement family, with little to no judgment at all.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/10/2024 21:56

1- the bond between mother and child will always be more intense
2- women are the more caring, compassionate, selfless sex
3- society doesn’t hold men accountable

ProvincialLady24 · 26/10/2024 21:59

Selfishness, entitlement. Refusal to take responsibility?

DreadPirateRobots · 26/10/2024 22:00

I don't get it, and that's the truth. I've seen men who gave every appearance of loving their children and being involved fathers drop the kids like a hot rock when their involvement with the mother ends. Not all men, but some. For some men, it really seems like their love for their children is transitive; it exists only as an extension of their love for the children's mother, and ends if that does.

I do think both biology and culture enable men to invest in their children a lot less than women do. But I don't understand how some men appear to invest and then withdraw that investment.

Danajune11 · 26/10/2024 22:01

kitsuneghost · 26/10/2024 20:55

You are looking at it from the point of view of a woman. A woman has carried and bonded with the child and continues to bond after birth. The man has no such experience (even post birth, mum is boss) plus often feels pushed out and so is more detached than the mother.

Show quote history

Even with that, I still get utterly shocked at how men just walk away, and never even check on wellbeing

Danajune11 · 26/10/2024 22:02

DreadPirateRobots · 26/10/2024 22:00

I don't get it, and that's the truth. I've seen men who gave every appearance of loving their children and being involved fathers drop the kids like a hot rock when their involvement with the mother ends. Not all men, but some. For some men, it really seems like their love for their children is transitive; it exists only as an extension of their love for the children's mother, and ends if that does.

I do think both biology and culture enable men to invest in their children a lot less than women do. But I don't understand how some men appear to invest and then withdraw that investment.

Men definitely seem to be a lot colder with children.

PomegranateKernals · 26/10/2024 22:02

Aye, it baffles me how my kids dad can just make himself absent from their lives. Seen dd once or twice this year. Ds, maybe half a dozen times.

According to his FB hes dad of the year 🤣

Fivetimessoon · 26/10/2024 22:12

On a forum for regretful parents many mums say they’re jealous that men can walk away but societal and family pressure and judgement make them stay. Men don’t seem to get that so it’s easier for them to walk away.

PerpetualPeppa · 27/10/2024 00:06

TentEntWenTyfOur · 26/10/2024 21:36

They do care about their children but they put themselves first. They don't need to think about putting the kids first, because they have someone else who does that.

<some men, obviously - they're not all like that>

i think this is spot on

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/10/2024 00:13

Mothers are held up to a higher standard than fathers. The standard is low and if they walk away, they aren't judged half as much as mothers are.

dontcryformeargentina · 27/10/2024 01:25

Different wiring/ hormonal makeup. The brain rewards men for being selfish and rewards women for being nicer.

Happyinarcon · 27/10/2024 05:18

From what I can gather from listening to men throughout the years is that they see fatherhood as stepping up as a provider. I read anecdotes from young men with girlfriends who were in and out of jobs and drinking their money away suddenly finding that they are going to be dads. They instantly start shaping up, looking for steady work and looking for housing. Not all, but I will go out on a limb and say that most men exhibit a provider/protector behavior in place of a women displaying maternal behavior.
My husband for example works his arse to provide for us, but isn’t interested in going to my kids school assemblies for example. I’m a sahm so he likes it that I DO go and I think he feels his role is to support me as mother by bringing home as much bacon as he can. I guess this means that if the family breaks up the emotional bonds aren’t as strong as as mothers, and the man starts bringing home the bacon for his next family. I don’t know if I’m wrong or right, but men do seem to shift gear when they become dads, just not in the same way women do

Edingril · 27/10/2024 05:21

How many men genuinely want children and how many do it because the woman go on about TTC and needing children to feel complete or whatever?

Sure in an ideal perfect world it would be equal and life would be sunshine and rainbows but real life is not this and pretending it is and people going 'yeah well men should....' doesn't change it

TheaBrandt · 27/10/2024 05:23

It’s PC to try to pretend fathers are equal to mothers but this widespread abandonment of their own children really proves otherwise doesn’t it? Namalt etc but there is definitely a pattern.

Diomi · 27/10/2024 05:52

Edingril · 27/10/2024 05:21

How many men genuinely want children and how many do it because the woman go on about TTC and needing children to feel complete or whatever?

Sure in an ideal perfect world it would be equal and life would be sunshine and rainbows but real life is not this and pretending it is and people going 'yeah well men should....' doesn't change it

I think most men want children. Nearly all the ones I have known did. The world is generally set up to suit men so I think there would be fewer children if they didn’t want them. It doesn’t mean they necessarily want to look after them. I think some men pretend they have been pushed into it by women but that is probably a lie to get out of their responsibilities.

hanali · 27/10/2024 06:11

Not necessarily true. A very opinionated viewpoint that it's all Dad's. Truth is there are indeed some scummy Dad's, but there are also some scummy Mum's out there.

Original poster
heirloom · 27/10/2024 06:20

hanali · 27/10/2024 06:11

Not necessarily true. A very opinionated viewpoint that it's all Dad's. Truth is there are indeed some scummy Dad's, but there are also some scummy Mum's out there.

Well I just looked up the actual stats and considering 9 out of 10 single parents are women…?

www.gingerbread.org.uk/our-work/single-parents-facts-and-figures/

OP posts:
Bumpitybumper · 27/10/2024 06:22

Men and women are biologically different. It would be more bizarre if men and women were the same in this aspect when you think how different the actual biological process associated with having children is for the sexes. Women are forced to invest a lot more into the child early on through carrying and birthing the baby. Women have evolved through this process and all the hormones etc to bond quickly with the baby. This is exacerbated further if you breastfeed. Men have none of this so often don't have the immediate bond in the same way when a child is born.

I think after this initial stage it depends on attitudes and behaviour. Some men get super involved and effectively build an intense bond whilst others are happy for the mother to remain the primary parent and to extend the precedent set in the very early days. I think men in the latter camp can still love their child but ultimately they feel that they are secondary parents and ultimately expendable. They therefore think they can just walk away from the child and the child won't be detrimented too much because the child will still have their mother who ultimately does everything anyway. I think it alleviates the guilt and allows men to walk away without feeling that they are a bad person. Very few people in life believe that they are a bad person so I always think it's helpful to think what must be true to enable someone to do a shitty thing (i.e. walk out on a child) and still maintain a belief that they are a good person.

Caffeineneedednow · 27/10/2024 06:33

heirloom · 27/10/2024 06:20

Well I just looked up the actual stats and considering 9 out of 10 single parents are women…?

www.gingerbread.org.uk/our-work/single-parents-facts-and-figures/

Show quote history

I question how those stats are collected. When I lost my jobs a few years ago we fell bellow the threshold for universal credit but we didn't qualify. They essentially said DSS didn't count as his mum claimed the child benifit for him. DSS spent 6/14 nights with us in term and half through holidays so not quite 50 50, more like 40/60. We had a (rented) house that was too big for housing benifit ( as DSS had a room) and we only had 1 child (DS) not 2.

I'm not saying there is not alot of deadbeat dad's, there absolutely are, but I don't think it is as much as you think based on that stat.