Are we done?

[ChangedMyName2024]

Hi, I'm not sure what I want to say here but I feel as if DH and I are close to the end.

We've been married for 23 years, together for 25/26 and have generally been happy. We've had longterm ill health of children and some financial concerns mainly related to only having one salary for some time. We've always managed to get through these things.

Recently, I've realised that we can't seem to talk to each other without it descending into a row or bad feeling. DH doesn't seem happy, I'm menopausal and he's very set in his ways.

The prompt for this message is that I mentioned to DH earlier that we can't seem to talk to each other without there being an issue and he said "now's not the time to have this conversation". I said it was and asked him what the problem was. He blamed my 'tone' when I speak to him.
I feel that's unfair as he's become quite a grumpy old man and unhappy about the world and everything in it. I don't believe there's any physical affair on his side, I wouldn't know if there's an emotional affair but I don't believe so. There's none on my side.
I didn't say anything more to DH.

We do get on, laugh together, support each other but I've also been feeling for some time that I'd be happier on my own, less people to tidy up after etc but I just don't know if that's menopause related.

Anyway, I have no idea what I'm trying to say here! I suppose I'm wondering if others had had similar and what you did?

TIA

I'm kindof here at the moment too. It feels like we're the elephant in the room. So, solidarity - I have no idea what to do.

It sounds like communication has broken down but it doesn't sound unsalvageable. Do you think he'd be receptive to marriage guidance counselling?

I could’ve written your post. I’m wondering if I’m the one that’s changed due to hormone changes. He just seems like such a grumpy old man these days and he frustrates the hell out of me. The thought of being alone and peaceful is very appealing much of the time!

How old are you both? How often are you falling out?

@ChangedMyName2024 no, you're not done. You need some help to get though it - perhaps marriage guidance counselling, or a self-help book on how to communicate with each other better, treatment for menopause (you) and/or depression (him), or whatever works. Give it your best shot, unless you think that all of you (kids included) would be better off emotionally and financially apart. Your husband may be unhappy, but that doesn't mean he will be happier without you and the kids, and it sounds like you would rather things were better between you than really wanting a breakup.

No, I don't think you are done. I think you both sound like you may have stuff going on and have stopped communicating to one another. My DH and I went through something similar a couple of years ago.

It got to the point where we were the same as you describe here. In the end, one night when he was cooking in the kitchen, I just decided to go and stand behind him and put my arms around him. For no reason other than I just wanted to. I realised how long it had been since I had last done that. He responded and turned round and we hugged. It broke the ice on what had been a period of us practically ignoring one another and biting and bickering at one another. I then said that I thought we should talk, after dinner. He agreed.

We turned off the TV and we took it in turns to talk and the other listened. Turned out that DH had been going through some things at work that he had kept to himself that he thought he couldn't tell me at the time. He had also started suffering with some anxiety out of no-where. To be honest I had no idea and then I realised why. I had been so caught up in my own crap with going through horrible perimenopause symptoms that I never gave a thought that my DH may be struggling with some midlife shit too. He then listened to me as I explained how permenopause had affected me and he said he had no idea that I had been feeling so bad. We spent hours talking and reconnecting and it felt great to fully understand one another again. Turns out having our own problems had almost turned us a little resentful towards one another hence the biting and snapping and miscommunication.

We then decided we would try hard to understand one another more and not react if the other was having a 'moment' or a bad day. And to also be much more open about how we feel. I feel like we just totally get each other again.

Our relationship has improved so much since and our household is a much happier one and I feel we have rediscovered our connection.

I think you need to find a way to communicate and if you can't do it alone, as we did, then maybe get some couples counselling. You may reconnect and you may not but at least you will have explored those options.

It sounds as though you both need to sit down and just talk, Sometimes, just talking things through can help. Marriage takes ongoing work.