In early 2022 I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. I was almost 41. I had not been trying, I had been drinking (occasionally over Christmas, not excessively) and had also been on antibiotics around the time of conception that are not recommended in pregnancy. I panicked. I was sick with worry for myself (age risks) and for the health of the baby. My DD was 7 at the time and my husband was concerned that my mental health was so badly affected that the pregnancy would not be a healthy one for any of us. I had a surgical termination at 9w 4d.
At the time it was a relief, all the worry and anxiety lifted. But now almost 3 years on I'm in a dark place. I ache for that child, I hate myself for not giving the pregnancy a chance, for not trusting my mind and body. DD was IVF, blessed with falling first try but I'd never been naturally pregnant before, I felt out of control and that I hadn't given the baby the best start I gave our DD.
Im 43 now. I feel I have to try again to fix this pain but at my age now I think this may cause more stress to everyone. DDs birth wasn't straightforward, pre eclampsia, epidural, episiotomy, forceps delivery in HDU, 10 days in hospital, she wasn't breathing when born, the experience prevented me having any urgency in her younger years to try again. I was 33 when she was born. I think had I been 5 years younger Id definitely go again now despite the age gap.
I just can't seem to get my thoughts in order. I'm barely sleeping. I've reached out for counselling, I've considered anti depressants but not taken. I feel like I'm waiting for some sort of light bulb moment when the guilt eases and I know what to do with our future. I feel so tormented.