Sometimes I Wonder What The Point Is **TW of thoughts of suicide**

[ChangeUsername123]

I want to start by saying at the moment I don’t feel like I would actually do anything to harm myself, nor do I really want to, I just don’t know how else to describe it.

I’m nearly 50, with long term health issues. I’m also struggling with peri symptoms, including anxiety. I’m on the highest dose of my anti anxiety meds and pay for private therapy to try and help myself.

Anyway, tonight, I was supposed to be going to an event with my husband and friends. I really, really wanted to go. But, my body had other ideas and I’ve been sofa bound and asleep for most of the last couple of days due to my health problems. I also missed out on something I had been looking forward to yesterday.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place..I feel stupid for even daring to hope I could go in the first place, but then what is the point without hope? And then I feel shit because the hope was futile all along.

I feel jealous of my husband and friends who have still gone. I have been crying on and off all day, which I know sounds melodramatic but every time I thought about it, it set me off. (That’s also probably fuelled by peri hormones).

This leads me to thinking just what is the point in my life? I recognise I’m lucky compared with some but when I consistently have to miss out on things I really want to do I honestly just feel like why bother being here?

Sorry to rant. I just needed to get it out.

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way.

It will pass, you won’t always feel like this.

Do you have anyone to talk to IRL?

Sympathies @ChangeUsername123 , and I really get it. The disappointment when you have to miss out on things can be absolutely crushing. I also have long- term serious health issues and amongst other things, missed the funeral of a much-loved younger relative because I was too unwell to go. I still tear up thinking about that, still feel triply isolated as a result of not having been there, on top of the actual bereavement. But I’ve missed countless other things as well, from social occasions to holidays and just plans for little outings on a nice day.

I have no magic formula for taking away the pain of it but I think sometimes you just have to let yourself grieve when you miss out on something, allow yourself to cry, and acknowledge that it’s really miserable sometimes. Then sort of watch the feelings, naming them to yourself, ’I feel very sad’ , or whatever. Sometimes I find that calming. And try to watch the self blame, which is just piling on more pain. I noticed you were doing that a bit in your post, saying you were stupid to hope you could go. It is not stupid to hope to do something nice! Then get yourself as comfortable as you can be and treat yourself as worth taking care of. Unfortunately taking care of yourself involves a lot of rest and disappointment, but it is what it is, and you’re worth it.

@Theremedy thank you. I do have a couple of good friends in real life and they’re great but I often feel like a burden with my negativity in situations like this. And my therapy, is actually helping generally but these sorts of situations just feel like a fresh slap in the face every time.

@Keepingongoing thanks you to you too for such a lovely reply. I’m sorry you struggle too. It’s shit at times, isn’t it? And I’m so sorry to read about you missing your relative’s funeral. That must be so, so tough to come to terms with.

Your advice is helpful too, and I will definitely try to use the acknowledging and naming of feelings. It makes sense that is would help. Take care of you too.x