Do they really all want to sleep with me?

[Greenbleak]

I don't believe it for a minute but;

I have a friendship group, all men. We're all now 50s and knew each other initially through our sport, where I competed at a good level, so often trained with men.

Now we still train in a much more recreational way, but also enjoy going to watch the professionals play our sport. Lately, as family responsibilities have become less and we have more spare time and money, this has included some foreign trips.

They seem to enjoy having me along (which has always surprised me) and it's true I do quite a bit of the admin of these trips for them because I'm a control freak

Anyway a female "friend" has just told me "you know they only include you because they all want to sleep with you?"

I'd be very surprised, I'm a very plain middle aged woman, I've always assumed they barely notice I'm female.

They're just my mates....?

I don't know, but I know all my male friends and acquaintances want to sleep with ME. And no, I'm not being pretentious, most of them have told me so - and other female friends have noticed it too.
Yes I'm 20 and...

Doesn't sound very nice of your female friend! I'd suggest she's potentially just putting worms in your ear! That's the sort of friend you don't need enemies with.

I wouldn't assume that, no - there's plenty of people I'm friends with and don't want to sleep with, same for my husband.

I presume they include you because you all played a sport together - not to get into your pants. Now you enjoy watching the sport and travelling around the sport together, not everything is about having sex!

Odd thing for your ‘friend’ to say. They are your friends, you are one of the gang. It sounds lovely. It’s not about how pretty you are or aren’t, you are simply one of them. I am inclined to think this woman is creating trouble where none exists. (One of my sisters is like this, no idea why, possibly boredom, jealousy, luckily I have another sister who is the best!).

I think she’s watched When Harry Met Sally too many times 🙄

I’ve reread your post and cross now, “only include you because they all want to sleep with you”!!! That’s very rude. What about having a laugh over shared training experiences, the awful coach you once had, the time one of you had a bad injury, the thrill of a great match and appreciating the skill level and just being good company generally. She is jealous and stupid. Do roll your eyes and drop her as a ‘friend’.

I have a friend (if relevant, 56, F, average) who thinks everyone wants to sleep with her. I imagine the 20 year old pp will be the same in 30 years.

Sure maybe some will as you are a human body but these are the people who are just into sex over and above the norm. Most won’t and won’t give it a second thought. Your friend is being a bit creepy frankly and should give the guys a break. Sometimes I think these women want every man to want to shag them.

Maybe some of them do maybe none who knows! I'd think by your 50s these men are including you because they like your company as opposed to seeing you as a sex object.

That was not a kind thing for your friend to say. Jealousy is such an ugly emotion.

I think your " friend" was being really disrespectful about you by implying the only value you have is your sexual availability. She doesn't seem to think much of your personality or that you are good company.
Besides if they only wanted you along because they wanted to sleep with you one or all would have made a move on you by now. Or you would have picked up on the fact.

It was very disrespectful and puts thoughts in your head which may make your future interactions with your male friends slightly uncomfortable, does Fred want to sit next to me because he fancies me or is that why John bought me a drink. Try to forget about the whole thing, she sees you having a good time with good friends and is jealous.

Bet your friend has no male friends...

I also have male sports friends. That is all we are, but some people don't understand the dynamic. I do refuse to do any organising though, they can do their own wifework 😅

I am quite concious that I do some wife work for them, but everyone in the group pulls their weight. There an ideas man, a couple who always offer to drive, the one who does all the navigating in foreign cities. We all have our roles and it works out well. They're also a handy group to know when I need help with something at home, so it works both ways!

I think your friend is probably jealous of the easy-going friendship you have with these men. There are some women who see everything through the lens of sexuality. They're often really sexist types who think that a man who socialises with women is on the lookout for sex. I know some men who prefer to socialise with women because they like women's company and conversation and don't like the endless sport and sexism of male company. I also know some women who prefer the social company of men, whom they find more straightforward to deal with. And I know some men, and some women, too, who think everyone is desperate to sleep with them: they tend to be the narcissists.

Which is a long-winded way of advising you to ignore what your friend said and just keep doing what you're doing for as long as it suits everyone involved.

No. I have a similar group. No one wants to sleep with me.

If they got the chance, they probably would

It’s a trivializing comment isn’t it? Rather than acknowledge your athletic skills and accomplishments and the rapport you have built with these teammates (because they are teammates right) she is knocking you down by saying…want to sleep with you. She’s rude and envious. I think you would have gotten the vibe by now if that was really what they intended. And I’m on a trip right now doing ALL the navigating and I really admire your groups sharing of responsibilities. Ignore her and carry on enjoying the group. And if someone does make a pass assuming you are both single you can decide then if you want to integrate a relationship into this group of teammates which very well may change the dynamic.

She's not your friend; they are.

Over lots of years, there's been the odd drunken, never mentioned again, "moment" , but never anything with intent.

AtI all these men unattached? It sounds more like they consider you as one of the boys, so I’d say the opposite? I think they’ve firmly friend zoned you.

There's a mix. Yes, probably and that's fine with me.

So what if they do? You have agency. Whatever they might or might not think is not something I would spend time pondering.

Your "friend" is probably jealous of your social life and good friendships (possibly she might be an exception to the good friendships you have!).

Enjoy your friends.

Edited due to grammatical error

Well perhaps they would, I think lots of men would happily have sex with most women to be honest! I don't think men are just friends with women though because they want to sleep with them or want romantic relationships with them.

Well, so what if the thought has, occasionally, crossed one or more of their minds? They're keeping it to themselves, if so, and not making it your problem. I don't think it nullifies opposite-sex friendships that there may be an element of sexual attraction on the part of one or more individuals. I have good male friends with whom my friendships go back decades, and there has been the occasional moment of 'X scrubs up well' or whatever, but it doesn't change anything about why I value the friendships.

This group sounds like it works well as a group friendship, with everyone having a job to do, and your trips and training working well, with your sport as a natural bond. It was a mean-spirited comment by your friend, but I certainly wouldn't overthink it. If the group works for you, and you get a lot out of it, I wouldn't be looking for sexual motives. If it's never been an issue before, assume it will stay that way, and enjoy your activities. If someone starts flirting and making a nuisance of himself, or if you develop a giant passion for one of them, then you have issues. But don't borrow trouble.

Your friend isn't wrong @Greenbleak , but she's not right either.

Yes, most of your male friends would probably sleep with you.

No, that doesn't mean they're only including you in order to sleep with you.

Men don't generally place as much importance on sex as women. Actually that's not quite right, men don't place as much "emotional meaning" on sex as women. At least not casual sex. So for most single men (or men who don't care about whether they cheat), they're always on the look out for casual sex.

Sex is fun. Doing things with our friends is fun. Therefore sex with our friends is likely to be lots and lots of fun. If it weren't for that pesky heterosexuality getting in the way, men would probably be happily having lots of sex with their male friends. Instead, they have to go play golf to bond instead.

So yes, they probably all want to have sex with you. But that's not why they're friends with you.

She sounds like a bitch tbh. And jealous. a jealous bitch.