Is a ONS while separated cheating?

[WhiteSailboat]

My husband of 8 years and I separated for a short time due to his behaviour which reached a breaking point, and he moved out during that time. He has since sorted himself out and things have been good for the past two years but I’m riddled with guilt because while separated I had a ONS. I regret it immensely but it happened. I was angry with him and thought this would make me feel better (it didn’t).

I worry about running into this guy where we live (a very small city), every time we go out. It’s ridiculous.

My husband and I agreed not to discuss the period we were separated so I have no idea what he did and he has no idea what I did. For me it was just this once, never before and never since, and I never, ever want to do anything like that again. However I think my husband would be shocked and hurt that I did this as it is out of character for me. I’m not sure if he would forgive me if he found out.

I wouldn’t call it cheating if you were genuinely separated with no inkling of getting back together at the time, but equally I wouldn’t keep this from him ESPECIALLY if there’s a chance you may bump into him when out together

Maybe dh did it too anyway. If you decided between you not ti discuss it, then just leave it there.

"We were on a break" to quote Friends

I had a few whilst my divorce was going through and my husband tried to use them against me. The solicitor just laughed and said No.

You were single at the time and the agreement he proposed makes it seem like he may have slept with someone too.

Leave it in the past where it belongs.

it depends... when you and your partner separated did you believe the relationship to be over and done with?

if the answer is yes, then no you did not cheat, however, if you were separated and trying work things out, then yes you cheated

I agree with everyone else. You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of. And if your OH had sex with someone during the separation , neither has he. I think you’re both wise to avoid discussing it tbh. It’s past.

If you bump into the guy, it’s not going to be a problem. He’s likely just to say “hi” especially if you’re with OH.

It wasn't cheating and if your husband agreed that whatever happened when you were separated should be left in the past then he probably has things he’d rather you didn’t know about too.

You have both agreed not to talk about what happened when you were separated.
If you tell him about this ons then it would have to be on the condition he tells you whether he slept with anyone during that time. And if he has you are both opening up a can of worms. There is no telling how bringing up things that happened during the separation will affect your relationship. And you say these past 2 years it's been good.
So I think you definitely shouldn't say anything.

you were on a break! A break because of his behaviour. Don’t beat yourself up it’s done and dusted.

He had a lot of issues from a messed up childhood that always ended up being taken out on me (not physically), and I just got sick of it after it happened one too many times. It was like a broken record of horrible fights that left me an emotional wreck and were always because of him. I told him I was done with being treated like that and to move out and sort himself out. There were no promises of reconciliation but as he did genuinely sort himself out after that (therapy and genuine change), we got back together and he has been a far healthier person.

Because our relationship is solid now and he’s been a great husband, I feel sick with guilt and worry about it being uncovered somehow. Thank you for all of your comments, I have been like this ever since we got back together but too afraid to even talk about it anonymously.

Please, please stop beating yourself up over this. The other man will never say anything. I bet you that the sex was awful. It was, wasn't it?

For all we know, the ONS man might be thinking, "I hope I never bump into that woman I had a ONS with. I have seen her about and she's back with her husband now. What a night. Never again."

How do I know? Because I did something very similar. Only it was a kind of half night stand because I left in the early hours in a fit of the crying jags. He was nobody, and I mean nobody I would ever have gone for had I been in my right mind and I daresay he thought the same about me. Strong drink may have been imbibed.

These things happen. Some genitals collided with limited success during the night. Ain't nobody ever gonna wanna talk about that.

It was horrendous, yes!! This ONS man at the time said he was separated and divorcing his wife, I asked why and he said because she cheated on him, and I said ‘well I’m married’ but I didn’t go into the fact we were separated and everything else because I didn’t wish to discuss it with essentially a stranger. I don’t know why I even said it at all. He didn’t say anything else, we had terrible sex, he tried to message me later for another ‘attempt’ which I categorically turned down. The whole thing was a sordid mess of an experience that I never wish to re-live again.

Oh, how do you edit on this thing? Yes. When I had the ONS, my partner had gone back to his home country, 'To think about things.' So, sort of similar situation.

'We were on a break!!'.