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I don't know what to do about this friend.

48 replies

Ottobeak · 23/10/2024 20:37

I like him, we have fun together, he's good for an intelligent debate, which I love, and we share a number of interests. I also think he's a good, kind soul.

He's also almost 10 years younger and 3 inches shorter than me. I hate myself that the height matters, but it does.

Until recently we've been very much friends and usually only together as part of a group.

In the last month or two he's started inviting me to lots of things just the two of us. This makes some sense, as we're the only single ones in the group and are more often at a lose end at the weekends. Initially, it didn't occur to me that it was anything other than a mate looking for someone to go to something with (which may well be what it is).

However, it's becoming more frequent and more coupley. 3/4 times a week, theatre rather than a band iyswim, and things he would previously have suggested in a group chat, he's now directing just to me.

He's never actually made a move, but it's coming, do you think? What do I do about this situation? I genuinely like having him around, it's great to have a "companion" who wants to spend time with me, I can see he might make a good boyfriend (10 years isn't as much as it sounds once you get to our age 😆) but I can't find it in me to find him attractive.

OP posts:
decorativecushions · 23/10/2024 22:30

It's so infuriating and upsetting to see all the nasty comments about this chap's height.

He sounds lovely. Stop being so unkind.

Ottobeak · 23/10/2024 22:30

Lucy25 · 23/10/2024 22:28

The friendship sounds really good, if anything changes, then let him know, you just want to continue as friends.

Edited

It was me, OP, who said the assumption was a bit rich 😆

OP posts:
decorativecushions · 23/10/2024 22:32

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Ohjustalittle · 23/10/2024 22:39

You're probably going to have to wait for him to make his move then let him down gently if you're definitely not attracted to him. You could try dropping hints but then you're assuming he wants to pursue a relationship. Ive been getting a lift off a colleague recently he dropped me off tonight, turned his engine off and took the keys out of the ignition. He's definitely not on my radar for a relationship now I'm worried I've given them the wrong signals. I'm getting the bus in future.

YourElatedLimeJoker · 23/10/2024 22:50

Are you the kind to be all gushing after a drink? If so, when you are a bit tipsy after a few drinks, could you say to him something like “I love the fact that we are such good friends and you never try to make a move on me, you are super respectful of me and our friendship. It’s great that you know I’m not looking for anything romantic and I can trust you like I trust no other man. I hope we will be the best of friends forever. We can even be best man and best woman at eachothers weddings”. Or something like that??

OneLoftyFish · 23/10/2024 22:52

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Onlyvisiting · 23/10/2024 23:01

Ottobeak · 23/10/2024 22:01

I feels like a big assumption to think that an honest conversation is needed though. He doesn't even get tactile after a drink, for example.

Rejecting someone before they've asked really would seem a bit over confident for me 😅 and if you want to keep him as a friend then subtly steering your relationship back more onto the ground you were comfortable with would be a kinder way of handling it without mortifying both of you.
Maybe tone down the time you spend together, don't be as available, steer more towards the group outings again?
Or more sneakily- anyone else you are interested in dating? Start OLD? Or just casually tell him that you are seeing someone now and worry about finding s hasty ' someone ' later?
Casually mention how much he reminds you of of your brother/dad/??? That would surely put anyone off 🤣

User364837 · 23/10/2024 23:04

I think life as a 5’3” man must be quite difficult. So many women would overlook them, even if they don’t want it to matter; it does seem to.

Lucy25 · 23/10/2024 23:20

Ottobeak · 23/10/2024 22:30

It was me, OP, who said the assumption was a bit rich 😆

Aw sorry, l got it completely wrong.
I then realised, after l posted it, so l edited.
I think l need to go to bed😂

EdgarAllenRaven · 23/10/2024 23:21

I personally wouldn’t have an issue with the height, who cares?
But if you’re just not that into him, then please stop seeing him 3/4 times a week! You are leading him on. I would be so upset if a man that I liked did this to me.

OneLoftyFish · 23/10/2024 23:29

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TeabySea · 23/10/2024 23:43

CalicoPusscat · 23/10/2024 20:42

Just enjoy his company for now - like you said you're both at a loose end.

You don't have to date him! It'd change if he professes feelings.

If he hasn't indicated he's interested by now, I'd assume not. It IS possible for men and women to just be friends, but unfortunately many men don't see it like that. Seems that in this case, he does, and OP is simply that, a friend.

Icarus40 · 24/10/2024 06:37

My friend's husband is around 5 ft 4 (he's shortener than me - I'm 5 ft 5) - he's gorgeous!! I didn't even notice his height until my friend mentioned it 😬

But if you're not feeling it then becoming less available is probably the kindest thing, until you feel like you've got the friendship back onto safer ground.

Icanttakethisanymore · 24/10/2024 06:42

If you’re definitely not interested, just drop in comments about other guys, dates etc. he’ll get the hint. I agree it’s awkward to turn someone dorm before they’ve even made a move (although I agree it’s almost certainly coming).

Justcallmebebes · 24/10/2024 07:05

Lucy25 · 23/10/2024 22:28

The friendship sounds really good, if anything changes, then let him know, you just want to continue as friends.

Edited

This. For God's sake, don't launch into a monologue on how you only want to be friends etc before he's made any romantic launch

That would be awkward 😬

Ottobeak · 24/10/2024 07:09

OK, so last night, for example, he'd offered to pick me up to go to training for our sport. I was caught in a meeting and then trains were a mess so I didn't make it.

I later got a message saying he'd also got tied up with work and missed it, did I want to go for a run. I did say no because I was in my PJs but he is going out of his way to spend time with me.....

I should have gone really, I do need the training 😆

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 24/10/2024 07:29

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This. And cut back on the date type meetings.

Ottobeak · 24/10/2024 08:44

I expect if I'm honest there's a part of me that hopes I'll be overcome things, because objectively, we should be good together!

OP posts:
Lucy25 · 24/10/2024 08:55

@Ottobeak At the moment you’re just friends, he might feel exactly the same way.
If the attraction isn’t there, then it’s just not there and it’s ok not to attracted to someone because they’re short, it’s not being unreasonable that’s just how you feel.

EdgarAllenRaven · 24/10/2024 09:02

Is it just the height that is putting you off? Or his face as well?
Because there are many couples where the guy is shorter Eg Tom Holland and Zendaya, Jamie Cullum and Sophie Dahl, Tom Cruise etc

Disturbia81 · 24/10/2024 09:54

I would do the "can't tomorrow, I've got a date" to show you have a separate date life. It's no misunderstandings without having to confront him with it and sound over confident

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 24/10/2024 10:13

You don't fancy him. That's fair enough. You don't need to ghost him but three or four times a week alone with him is too much. He's acting like someone who might want you to be his girlfriend and you're acting like someone who might want to be his girlfriend. If you don't then dial that back. Spend less time with him. Do other activities with other people, be too busy to go out with him so often. When he suggests separate activities you can suggest other people from the group come along too. Act like he's a friend among your other friends.

I expect if I'm honest there's a part of me that hopes I'll be overcome things, because objectively, we should be good together!

So you do fancy him? Or not? As long as you're not stringing him along until you get a better offer.

I should have gone really, I do need the training

Just as well you didn't, that would have sent him the message "I want to be with you even when it's inconvenient for me". That's not the message you want to send. Is it?

Ottobeak · 24/10/2024 19:59

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 24/10/2024 10:13

You don't fancy him. That's fair enough. You don't need to ghost him but three or four times a week alone with him is too much. He's acting like someone who might want you to be his girlfriend and you're acting like someone who might want to be his girlfriend. If you don't then dial that back. Spend less time with him. Do other activities with other people, be too busy to go out with him so often. When he suggests separate activities you can suggest other people from the group come along too. Act like he's a friend among your other friends.

I expect if I'm honest there's a part of me that hopes I'll be overcome things, because objectively, we should be good together!

So you do fancy him? Or not? As long as you're not stringing him along until you get a better offer.

I should have gone really, I do need the training

Just as well you didn't, that would have sent him the message "I want to be with you even when it's inconvenient for me". That's not the message you want to send. Is it?

I don't fancy him but I almost wish I did as I'm sure he'd be a lovely boyfriend and we do get along and have lots in common. That said, he really has given no indication he sees me that way either.

So I have to decline the black tie event he's asked me to go to....?

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