Can a bullying husband change?

[DFGHJKL]

Husband has turned into a foul bad tempered bully. It has become fairly constant and has gone on for a few years. Fuelled by alcohol, but now also when sober. Have tried standing up to it, grey rocking, etc.

Many factors will make divorce very difficult. Is there any hope of breaking the behaviour? For example, showing him a legal letter and effectively calling out his behaviour publicly (rather like a kid being advised to speak out to take away power from a bully)? Or is going straight for divorce the only option (in an ideal world would do this).

I think a legal letter would be an escalation that would just put him on the defensive.

He would have to want to change.

A legal letter won't change his nature.

He can change - if he wants to and it comes directly from him.

There’s nothing you can do to make that change happen.

Would an ultimatum work? See the doctor about the drinking and moods with a view to starting antidepressants and therapy or I'm out?

Thank you. Despite being constantly vile, he seems terrified of me leaving. I am wondering whether to try to make a serious statement (not threat, but to show I am serious) and if that does not work start the process.

He can be charming around others.

Thanks, ultimatum the word I am looking for. Have tried before but he has backed down and tried to blame me. A more serious ultimatum this time as a final chance.

Yes but he has to be motivated to change.

Also by the time he has changed you will likely find you don't love him anymore and are bitter that he could have behaved properly all along.

Just divorce him OP. He sounds horrendous, you sound miserable.

Can a psychological problem drive bullying or is it more likely a nasty form of control? There seems to be a massive need to control and criticise.

He seems so unstable and literally flies into black moods. Get can be fine when he needs to be.

If your going to make an ultimatum, you must be prepared to carry it out.
If your not prepared, then don't bother.
Can you get out of the way more, like stay with family and friends, hotels, etc.
Carve up the house and you stay in your part, he stays in his even if that's a spare bedroom?
One day you will be fed up of his behaviour and will want out, even if he does the work and becomes nicer, you will be angry that it took so long and he could have been nicer all along. It will piss you off and you'll leave anyway.

@Bodeganights We could carve up the house and have tried that before (annex), but his drinking escalated so there was no sharing of the workload.

I am completely sick of it and disgusted. Will never trust him again as he has been so cruel. I guess it is like someone having multiple affairs. At some point the trust and love goes. But there are some massively complicating factors (I won't go into too much to not be outing, but serious health).

Very surprised at these responses. Surely bullying is being abusive? I think you'd be getting different responses (lots more LTB) if you'd said you have an alcoholic husband who is verbally and emotionally abusive. After all, that is what is going on. I very much doubt many PP would be suggesting trying to resolve this in that case.

My question to you is why would you want to stay and try to change him? What does he add to your life?

Absolutely nothing @Notparticularlywealthy but some very difficult circumstances that are going to make separating difficult.

It is definitely abuse and multiple types. It all seems to be under the umbrella of bullying.

If it's your disability/health, fuck it - you'll feel loads better without him and you can buy in help/cleaners/gardeners/transport without him there drinking the money.

If it's his health, fuck him. Not your fucking problem. He's abusing you to keep you serving him - there is absolutely no benefit to him in stopping anything he chooses to do.

It's nothing more than his need to control and bully, if he can be charming and behave appropriately with others - he knows how to behave and knows that bullying is "wrong" - he just doesn't care enough about you to behave that way/knows bullying works and gets what he wants, so has rationalised it

He prob would switch and bully others if he felt they were lesser to him or had less consequences I.e. social shaming or loss of something

How does he act if you just held up your hand and walked away once he starts? Like "I will not allow you to talk to me this way." Would he follow you or accept it and sulk?

Obviously ideally you would leave. As he mostly likely won't change. But I do remember as a child, one of my uncles was very negative and miserable, but the whole family used to tell him to shut up lol. The subtle shaming and being brushed off when he tried for control/criticism was effective as eventually he just turned silent and moody now rather than anything else. My auntie has her whole life separate from him, busy social life, volunteering etc. They had a big enough house to live separately, separate living rooms and bedrooms.. I think he's mellowed out a little now as he goes to the men's shed now whereas before he never did anything.

Would he go to the GP for antidepressants or anger counselling or something?

No. If he “can be fine when he needs to be” then he is in control of his actions.

Even counselling is not recommend where there is an abusive partner, because it doesn’t work and they don’t change.

Divorce him. What possible obstacles are there that would make you give up the only life you have to him. This is all you get, and you’re going to spend it married to him?

He shouldn't need an ultimatum to treat you with some basic kindness and respect.

You're thinking of couple's counselling. Therapy would be an excellent option in OP's DH case.

Just leave.
Go away for a week.
And message that this will be permanent.

(See how he cries and begs and threatens to kill.himself. )

He won't change.

If he does.... wait a year .

I meant couples counselling. I wasn’t “thinking of” it like I made a mistake. I meant even counsellors would say this is a lost cause. I don’t really give a shit about him getting therapy for himself. I care about a woman being stuck with a horrible man because she thinks he might change.

This. And if it’s him with the health issue btw, that doesn’t excuse his choice of behaviour towards you. Plenty of people have terrible health and don’t bully their partners.