Concerned about my Bestie

[Becx1994]

I am really worried about the recent behaviour of my best friend and don’t know what to do. We have known each other since school and we share everything.
She ended up marrying her childhood sweetheart and they were together until about 18 months ago when he suddenly just walked out on her.
As you can imagine she was distraught and pretty much did nothing for 6 months as she was really low - she hardly left the house
Me and a few friends gradually encouraged her to start coming out with us for meals , theatre trips and days out and she finally started to get some confidence back.
She even signed up to a few online dating sites – however it all seems to have gone crazy.
We all meet up about once a month for a few drinks and a night out – my friend has started wearing clothes that I’ve never seen her in before – very short skirts and revealing tops etc
She has told me that in the last 12 months she has met several men off the internet and ends up going to bed with them after only 2 or 3 dates – which I think is far too soon
She has also started going to the pub on her own – and has ended up going with about 10 regulars – some of them are married men.
It is only a relatively small village pub so as you can imagine she has now got a bit of a reputation.
IMO things got really out of control last Saturday – she told me she had agreed to meet a guy off a dating site for the first time and they were going to have a drink and then go to the cinema
I spoke to her on Sunday and asked how the date went – She told me after one drink she decided to skip the film and invited him straight back to hers for sex !! – She seemed to think it was hilarious !!
I was gobsmacked – she had only known this guy for an hour and then she was sleeping with him – she even admitted that she didn’t really fancy him
Even worse is the fact that she has gone back on the pill as she says she doesn’t like condoms

I’ve tried talking to her about my concerns – not just for her safety but also her sexual health but she says it’s just a lot of fun and it’s only sex
She’s had a massive argument with one of our closest friends who called her all the names under the sun and said “ Even prostitutes have the sense to charge for it – you don’t “ and now they are not talking at all

What should I do ?
Should I just leave it and hope that her behaviour fizzle out or should I keep on nagging her ?

Tricky one. She is a consenting adult so not really a lot you can do. Your friends comments are not helpful and are quite unkind to someone who is clearly hurting.

If this was my friend I would ask that she always message me the address of where she is going and let me know when she is home. I would also encourage her to get regular sti tests.

Of course I would also keep gently encouraging her to want better for herself and perhaps help her work on building self worth in other ways.

YANBU to be worried given it's a sudden change - it does sound like it might be self destructive rather than just enjoying her newfound freedom. Although hard to tell from just your pov obviously.

I don't think you can do much - if you tell her too strongly you don't approve then you'll push her away and she may need a friend down the line. Your other friend sounds plain nasty.

It’s not THAT shocking to sleep with people so casually - it’s strange you’re that shocked by it, and what your friends said to her is wildly rude. Fair enough you might raise your eyebrows - but it’s not worth losing a friend over. I’d stay close to her and keep an eye on her in case it comes crashing down or something. It’s fine to gently check in that she’s ok but if she seems fine I’d let her enjoy / get it out her system. You sound like a caring friend.

Ps lack of safe sex is stupid though

I have known people to break up from long term relationships and live relatively recklessly for a bit.

You can't do a lot, just ask her to be safe and make good choices. Try not to be too judgemental on this, be her friend. I am hoping this is a phase that she's going through
Does she have DC? In which case she shouldn't be doing any of this behaviour whilst they are around

Thanks for all the replies and good advice
She is coming round to mine on Friday night so I'll let you know how it goes x

You all sound very judgmental. Shes entitled to enjoy a sex life. But the no condoms is stupid she could pick up an std.

I'd check (non judgmentally) how she's doing since the break up to ensure she's happy in her choices. And I'd have a chat about condoms.

ends up going to bed with them after only 2 or 3 dates – which I think is far too soon

Non-issue and nothing to do with you. You may think it's far too soon, but you're not the one sleeping with them so it doesn't matter.

She has also started going to the pub on her own – and has ended up going with about 10 regulars – some of them are married men.

Just going to the pub and meeting up with some regulars there? She's not sleeping with these married men, or even going to the pub alone with them, she's just there in a group with the other regulars, some of whom happen to be married men? I'm not sure of the issue here either tbh.

she had only known this guy for an hour and then she was sleeping with him

Bit unwise but her choice. Not using condoms is stupid - this is probably the only bit I'd talk to her about.

If you are going to approach it with her at all, I would only do it from the point of safety. Using condoms and ideally letting you know where she is going or what his dating profile looks like if she is meeting a stranger for sex.

Sleeping with someone after a couple of dates is a non issue in my opinion, as are one night stands IF you are practising safe sex.

Your other friend sounds like an arse and I wouldn't speak to them again either if I'd been compared to a sex worker!

Hi - just thought I would update you on last Friday night - good news :)

First of all - about our mate A - who made the nasty remarks - she really is a nice person so it was a shock when she said what she did

Anyway Friday night T came round to share a bottle of wine and watch a film
I decided after all the good advice on here to avoid discussing her activities
Anyway we had just settled on the sofa when A knocked on the door unexpectedly !!!
I let her in and the first thing she did was apologise to T !
It was still a bit awkward though as A said that she had been worked up as she had heard a rumour that one of the married guys from the pub that T had slept with had been her man
T assured her that she would never have done that - it was the married men who had hit on her not the other way round
Then A held her little finger up, waggled it and said " To be honest you are not missing out on much "
We all burst out laughing and it certainly broke the ice 😂 so A stayed and we all watched the film and had a few bottles of wine together - it was great having the 3 of us pals again and it was a good night
Towards the end T did say that she knew she had been a bit reckless but was really having a lot of fun
I did say that we were just a bit worried about her safety and she agreed that she would be extra careful when meeting a guy for the first time
As for the safe sex thing she told us that she does use condoms and the few guys where she hasn't have been "regulars" and they have both had recent tests ( but she still uses them if they are having "unusual sex "????? - her words not mine )
Finally she said that she knew it was just a phase and she wanted to experiment and broaden her horizons ( tick a few boxes off a bucketlist if you like) - she had only ever been with the one guy before and knew she would calm down and maybe try finding another serious relationship at some point

Me and A told her that we didn't mean to sound judgemental and we all parted on great terms

So all good - thanks for the advice ❤