Supporting lonely parent

[afrikat]

My mum (70) is on her own, has been for about 15 years after getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship (not my dad). She has a host of health issues. She does have friends and some family (sister and aunt) who she sees every few weeks but day to day she basically...does nothing. Sits scrolling on her phone mostly. Has no hobbies. A 'big day' involves going to the Dr for an appointment or doing a wash load. Her health does restrict her doing anything physical but she could be doing things like art, online classes, book clubs etc. She has no interest in doing any of these things, seems happy to spend day after day just sitting in her small flat, scrolling on her phone, going for a nap, scrolling again til bedtime.

She lives about 2.5 hours away and does come to visit every few months and stays for a few weeks at a time but when she's here she mostly just...scrolls on her phone

She's had depression in the past but don't think she does at the moment. She's just addicted to her phone and has no interest in doing anything else with her days.

This would be fine, it's her life (we've had many conversations about getting some hobbies, keeping herself busier but she doesn't want to), but she messages me ALOT. Morning check ins, telling me how she slept, asking how I slept. Afternoon messages about random stuff. Evening messages asking about my day and checking in on the kids. I love her and don't want to be lonely but I work full time, have youngish kids, a chronic health condition, am doing a part time Uni course, need to fit in exercise etc and feel like I am constantly having to respond to messages from her. If I don't respond quickly I can mentally 'feel' the message sitting there waiting for a response and when I do respond I often get another question back which necessities several more messages.

I know she's lonely and if anything happens to her I'll feel so guilty that I felt irritated with her. I really can't raise the amount of messaging with her as she will get v upset.

I think what I'm asking is..how can I reframe my mindset so I don't get frustrated at all the messaging? Or is there another way I can support her? I do speak to her on the phone a few times a week too, but this doesn't reduce the messaging - an hour after the call she will be messaging me about something we talked about

Any suggestions welcome!

I read your post and the only thing I could think of by the time I finished reading it was is your Mum on mumsnet?
If she is not interested in hobbies or online courses yet she just loves her phone and is quite conversant with that, being on Mumsnet ticks all the boxes for now.
24 hours a day your mum could be exploring the site, if she felt lonely , interacting with others by offering advice, and it sounds as if your mother has some firsthand knowledge of the kind of advice a lot of people would value.
At the very least it would take the pressure off messaging you.
There are a lot of different categories tha she could explore, there are a lot of special interests with very nice people who seem to get to know each other and it becomes quite friendly.
Your mum would probably feel good if she'd given some advice that people had appreciated.
You never know, this might bring her out and give her a bit of confidence and she might feel ready to meet people in person, to have a chat with she would feel as if she knows people already.
Sorry, it's the only thing I can really think of and it might take the pressure off you for a bit, and give her something to talk about.
I'm sure other posters will offer some better ideas.

Check locally for clubs specifically for people like your mum. Maybe a lunch club. Some have transport available either a bus or volunteers who pick up and drop back.

I think this is a good suggestion from PP. Ideally if you can arrange transport for your mum, she might feel more inclined to attend a lunch club or other club for seniors.
Always better to interact with people, one on one, and to meet and socialise with others.
As for you OP, I think until your mum does find a way to distract herself from messaging you, you'll have to bear with it for now. Remember, things can change in a heartbeat, you have a mum, and at least you are both able to communicate quickly in a way that doesn't have to be answered immediately, although it is annoying to be interrupted frequently.

Thanks all. The mumsnet idea is a good one although I find it quite addictive and not sure I want to give her more reason to be on her phone 😀

In terms of helping her find things to do - I've tried. I've sent her links to local groups, to online stuff etc but she has zero interest in doing anything. I will try again as I feel she's just wasting away on her own

I will definitely keep responding to her messages and try to avoid getting annoyed, I know how lucky I am to have her

I thought about that, Mumsnet being quite addictive, and that you might not want to encourage your Mum to be on it so much.

I only thought that if your Mum didn't want to meet up with people, in person, she might get some feeling of connection with others, from a safe and comfortable distance, as she then gets to control when she is reading or joining in on the 'chat'.

The conversations your Mum reads, or comments on, would likely give her something to think about and keep her 'in the loop' so to speak.

Also it would likely decrease the number of messages you get throughout the day, and might even lead to her feeling more comfortable going out and trying a group activity with others, in time.

It's so lovely to hear how much you love your Mum, and that you know you're lucky to have this special person in your life :) All the very best to you both OP.