How does your good elderly mum show love to you?

[anythinginapinch]

How do you feel loved by your older DM, as an adult?
My elderly DM says she loves me, but I don't feel it. There's a lot on this site and elsewhere about difficult or demanding elderly mothers/poor quality relationships that with them, and a lot on websites about how mothers show love to young children.
But nothing that paints any kind of model for me, for how older mothers show love. Can you help me learn what that might look like?

My mum died recently, she was very elderly. She didnt really tell me that she loved me, she just wasn't the type, she also wasn't particularly affectionate. She was always happy to see me though, we got on well, we understood each other. I loved her and I know she loved me, I just know it, I can't explain why. I think it's a very rare woman who doesn't love her children, at any age.

I'm very sorry you lost someone who sounds so special - able to be a loving, and loved, part of your life. I hope that live helps ease your grief. Thanks for posting.

When I had been rushing around she’d make me a cup of tea and encourage me to sit down and take a moment.

One of the last birthday presents she bought me was a selection of spa treatments now that she has gone I make the effort of bookings them for my birthday.

Just knowing she was always there for me, I guess I never realised how lucky I was.

My dm is not very elderly but thinking about both her and my darling late grandmother who lived to 90, they show it in these ways:

Visiting me and having me visit them regularly.
Calling me on the phone and chatting regularly.
Being interested and engaged with what is going on in my life and caring about the things that matter to me.
Working with me to resolve conflicts if there are any.
Hugging and kissing me.
Buying and cooking me food they know I like.
Organising lovely treats and presents for me for special occasions.
Giving me random things they think will be useful or nice for me to have.
Telling their friends positive things about me and my life.
Taking on board advice or other random stuff I have told them and validating it.

I am sure there's more. Hopefully they feel like I do these things for them too!

My mum, who died a few years ago, would show her love for me by

Telling me she loved me
Asking how I was and what I'd been doing lately
Telling me I was good at things
Being on my side
Expressing confidence in me
Looking forward to seeing me or speaking to me
Telling other people about things I'd done and how proud she was of me

She did have some frustrating habits but I never doubted she loved me, I always felt it, and she always had my back.

I have a slightly tricky relationship with mine, but I will say that she is kind and generous to a fault and will bend over backwards to help me in any possible way she can. I'm in my late 50s and she's in her mid-80s but it's an absolute given I could turn up on her doorstep and say "I need you" and she'd be there for me in whichever way I needed her, no questions asked. In some practical ways she is very dependent on me, but despite that we absolutely have a mother-daughter relationship in that she feels her role is to look after me and provide for me, despite the fact I'm much better off and 30 years younger!

We are not at all touchy-feely, she never tells me she loves me or is proud of me, and we never talk about emotional stuff, but that's her way and she's a product of her generation and upbringing - I have never once doubted the fact that she loves me.

My mum died this year, the thing I miss most is the way her face lit up when she saw me, no matter how poorly or fed up she felt.
Also she told me everyday she loved me, and all my family and if there was anything I needed help with, whatever it was she'd be there for us.
I definitely felt loved.

Omg mine never said it but she absolutely adored me shown through many little acts of kindness, eyes glowing, compliments etc.