Trying to avoid burnout/breakdown and doing my best but criticised

[JustTryingtohelpmyself]

I’ve had a rough few months. General health issues and feeling progressively more exhausted day by day (diagnosed with ME, suffering also in the last year from endo related heavy periods and anaemia, low mood and a few other things).

WFH all week. SDC every weekend. Elderly dm that needs help. Lots to do all the time. DH works FT but not WFH except one day a week.

I’ve been saying for a while I need to cut back in some areas to be able to function in others.

We had a plan I’d go to PT and years ago agreed when the time was right we would get a puppy as SDC always wanted a pet but their DM can’t. So that’s what was planned. However I’ve been feeling worse and worse and just not coping. WFH isolating, caring for mum exhausting. Just everything getting on top of me so I started cancelling things to manage. Cancelled my hobby evening as too tired to go, cancelled a weekend away with friends as just exhausted.

I have then been offered the opportunity to work 4 days in the office rather than 5 WFH which probably sounds worse for someone exhausted but actually I feel the need to get out as I’m not leaving the house and I really thought it will be better for me. However this now ‘ruins’ the plan to get a puppy but I’ll be totally honest I’d got to the point where it’s not what I want anymore. Dh very unhappy and says SDC will be heartbroken but without me WFH it’s not viable and I don’t feel well enough anyway.

Also pissed off my brother as I’ve set up a cleaner once a week and a once a day carer for DM which she is paying for and that will ‘eat up inheritance!’ 🙄 so I’m told .

Im trying to prioritise work and not having a complete breakdown but feel irritated that looking after myself and being honest has made DH/DB annoyed with me ? Because it inconveniences them.

And I feel bad as 3/4 years ago I was enthusiastic about a dog but now for some reason I cannot think of anything worse and just don’t want to get one. I think this has been what’s really upset things

If you got a dog now when you're knackered, you wouldn't have the energy to put the work into training and it wouldn't work in the long term. You're doing the right thing.

Try and hold onto that when other people are giving you a hard time.

Does your mum get attendance allowance?

Definitely take the opportunity to go into the office. It has been life changing for me. It does mean that when our old dog dies we will not be getting a puppy but I have explained to my family how it makes me feel wfh all the time and that no family decision should make one person feel awful.

re. Your brother - if he’s that bothered tell him to go himself. He sounds unbearably selfish.

Do see if you can get back to hobbies- vgood for the soul particularly if exercising or singing.

Good luck OP

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, OP. It's time to prioritise your own health. I bet DP was expecting you to do everything related to the puppy too. Maybe he could wfh more. He can get to f with putting the emotional blackmail on you for the sdc being heartbroken about it. As for your brother, it's not inheritance until your dm dies. I would love it if she had a will that cuts out your grabby brother! I know that's unlikely. Maybe she could spend more of it to make her and your life easier? Eg extra carers, more cleaning etc. Think you need to check in with your GP about the anaemia, periods etc. Good luck xx

We got a dog about a year before I became ill. It costs us a lot in dog walkers and the children/DH have to do nearly all the care now. I feel quite guilty about it. On the other hand the dog is a huge comfort when I am home a lot and I have an electric wheelchair now so I can take him out as well.

You are going to have to drop your load quite ruthlessly or you risk getting very severe ME. Or at least that's my understanding (I have a different condition but lots of friends with ME as a result).

I would be very wary of agreeing to go into the office though.
I would cut your "at home" burden (even if it means some couple counselling to talk this through - that's what we did).

And then to give you some socialising look at some clubs or similar you can do on good weeks but easily drop on bad weeks?

Your mum may have to get care brought in. Again if necessary I would find a decent therapist who understands ME/chronic conditions. The charity for my condition has specialist counsellors I don't know if that type of option exists?

Re the dog - I would point out you aren't saying no, but that DH will have to make a plan for the dogs care that doesn't involve you as it is too great a risk to your health

You have listened to yourself as you know something is deeply unbalanced in your life and health, now you need to have the courage to just put into practice what this inner wisdom is telling you to do. Do not let other people dictate your life to you OP. Health is so precious and you must advocate for yourself.

Of course it is an inconvenience to these men but if they want a puppy/inheritance so badly it is up to them to make it happen and not your responsibility. You are allowed to change your mind when it comes to being well and it sounds like you would really benefit from joining back into office life. Good luck with getting well again.

Im in a similar situation but no step children... chronic illness, jobs, elderly parent..

I had to prioritise myself and told everyone close to me how. I gave up a pt job which has a financial impact but I just couldn't keep going as i was.

OP health is everything. Tell your family that you can't carry on as is. Keep the help with you DM, ignore your DB!

Burnout is a real thing and very hard to recover from.

Just say your manager really wants you back in the office. If you dh really wants a dog you’ve got 2 days and the weekend covered and a dog walker or daycare is required for 3 days. But make it clear you won’t be the main walker sp are they all agreed they can cover it. Your brother needs to understand he may get little inheritance if more care is needed. Ask him what his solution is. I took a job with a commute, my kids wanted to bring the dog with them on their custody weeks and I was very clear I could not walk
the dog at either side of my commuting day.

I actually just did the attendance allowance application with her recently so waiting for that

I would tell every one to sort out their complaints themselves.

So the dog, presume puppy, puppies are hard work they need training a lot of training, if you are WFH there still wouldn't be enough hours, SDC wouldn't be getting a dog you would. What exactly is DH going to do? It's his child that wants a dog, has he said he will do a morning walk before work, the evening walk, and pay for everything? Plus it stops you going away spontaneously, even going out for the day. It's not easy it's a tie and responsibility that more people need to think about beforehand. Stand firm on this do not agree to taking this on, it will cause no end of arguments.

As for DB, tell him he is quite welcome to take over the main care for both your mum. If he wants the inheritance, which at the moment remains your mum's money not his despicable man, then he needs to put the time in. Easy.

You have men DH and DB surrounding you quite happily blaming you for the unpaid work (puppy mum) you are no longer able or even willing to do. Tell them they are perfectly capable grown ups apparently, time for them to step up like real men, if they want something they need to sort it themselves not demand an woman with health issues sort everything out. Aren't men supposed to be protectors and providers? You know the stringer sex? Whereas a lot of the time they are moaning wet socks because someone else won't do it for them.. Sorry I dislike wet men they make life tedious.

Your body is screaming at you and if you don't take action now you will collapse.

You are being responsible about your own health and whether to get a dog.

I'd tell your DH that if he wants a dog he gets once but he does everything for it. We had a dog before my DS was born and I was alot younger but my god getting up in the dark to walk him, every weekend being about him, vet bills, responsibility. And there was two of us on board with it. Of course he expects that you absorb the dog on top of everything else. Plans change, so if the expectation is you mind the dog, you don't get one. Your DSC will learn that life is sometimes disappointing and plans change.

As with your DB my family were a bit like this with my DGM. For a start there is no such thing as inheritance until your DM dies. If your DB has an issue with your outsourcing then he can do the work. Tell him again plans have changed and your DM needs more paid help not less. Or he can do it. Pick one.

Going into the office might really help you. Your health comes before a dog you don't yet own. You are surrounded by selfish people so you start being so.

You don’t want a dog bc you’ve realised you’d be the one doing all the work

I have been off work and was inundated with ‘do this, go there, help x out, why aren’t you visiting y, sure you pick up that, why aren’t the dishes done, house painted, garden landscaped’ 😅

I achieved the most healing when I started to put my foot down and prioritised my own health and ‘handed back’ other ppl’s responsibilities to them

you are wanting to escape your own home because you are being made responsible for other people’s stuff

hand it back to them - SDC wants the dog and your DH wants that to go ahead - how is he going to facilitate that? As PP said - what’s DH’s plan for providing care and training and walks and clean-ups?

your DB wants an inheritance (😂lord almighty) ask him how he is going to ensure his mother’s well-being can be safe-guarded without spending money? Has he time and energy to go clean house for her? What jobs can he do to cut back on any spending if that is his big concern?

it can feel absolutely shit to realise you care more about, and do more to facilitate, other people’s happiness than they reciprocate to you

and we all are going to have various periods in our lives when leaning on another person is necessary so it’s not wrong to lean on others occasionally

but you can’t lean on a broken stick so be clear with your DH & DB - you need propping up yourself rn and so not only should they not be trying to lean more on you, they really need to be helping you recover your full strength and letting you lean on them

not easy by any means in some cases but ime saying no gets a bit easier if you think of your health and well-being like ‘your main job’

without it you can’t run the house as well, or help others or do your paid job - your health and well-being are the foundations on which all of the rest of the stuff is resting on

🙃i’ve mixed my metaphors I think but you get the gist

adding a dog would not be fair on you or the dog rn getting back to time spent solely on your health and well-being is the priority

It’s just the assumption as well that if I was unwell I’d stick to WFH but it’s not actually easier as I find mental exhaustion increases my physical exhaustion ? Less days but with a commute (it’s long but easy so gives me time to essentially do nothing on the train !) so it feels as if it will be beneficial

*the assumption from DH

You want to go into the office though! If his concern, and I doubt it is that it will make you more unwell you could request a trial period. And build up to 4 days a week. But regardless WFH or not you are not getting a dog and you are reducing everything you do. That's his motivation here. It's inconvenient for you to go in and put yourself first.

As much as I found commutes exhausting the value they added was the chance to sit and read or not think but still be with people. It sounds like you are looking forward to it.

My friend struggled with WFH so much so that as soon as she could she went in every day.

Has any of the people involved have any idea what ME is? And what the effect of pushing through again and again can have?

Because once you’re bedbound, life will change even more dramatically for all of them.

Seriously, you REALLY need to look after yourself and tye only way not to crash and see your baseline surely but steadily decreasing is pacing - aka not doing more than you can.
If you need a cleaner, get it.
If WOH is better than WFH, go for it (and I get it btw. When you’re not at home, there is no pressure to do work AND home stuff like putting a load of washing. You get the travel time as a way to decompress. But ofc, on your dh poverty, it will be more work for him)
Let your brother go on about inheritance. If it’s that important, he can go agd care for HIS mum instead.

From a fellow ME sufferer who did not stop when she should have done….

And btw, your dh isn’t in your body.

HIS assumption might well be true for him. It doesn’t mean it’s true for you. Not when you have ME. And still carry all the ‘housework and parenting’ responsibilities too.

If he can’t accept that your evaluation of what’s harder is different from yours, then he is the issue.

This is exactly it I’m using breaks to do housework

So can you just stop doing that? Make it clear you cannot.
I work from home but use my y breaks to lie down and rest. In fact I often work in bed propped up if needed. DH knows that me just working at all is an accomplishment and he and the children (plus our cleaner) do all the housework.

Of course, If working out of the home will help you manage best then go for it. But make sure your employer is fine for you to work from home for stretches if you need to.