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Original poster

Year 7 friendships

10 replies

Samandytimlucypeterolivia · 18/10/2024 23:15

Dd 12 recently started year 7, about 90% of her primary school have gone thier too so she’s not short of people she knows. A bit of back story. Dd has a heart of gold, always gets dragged into drama when it’s nothing to do with her, she manages to keep neutral, she do3s anything for her friends and this is why I’m struggling to help b3cause I literally can not advise her any better than how she is a good friend. She instantly clicked with one girl in reception, they were joined at the hip, let’s call her lottie, she also was very good friends with another girl from nursery, let’s call her Lexi, so they were in the same class until year 4, when the classes were mixed, with Lottie and Lexi in one class, Lottie just didn’t bother with dd and despite dd trying she gave up, her and Lexi have been best friends, almost like a trio, until then, then it was just dd and Lexi. Dd started becoming friends with some of the other girls, never leaving Lexi out, Lexi then started pulling away and got close with one of dds friends in year 6. Dd was very upset about it because she had no idea what she’d done. They were all still friends but didn’t feel as close. She eventually became besties with another girl called sally. They’ve been close for a good 2 years, been here for sleepovers, party’s the lot most recently 4 weeks ago for dds party. Then out of the blue she tells dd in school the other day that she wants to meet new people, yet is still hanging with some of the mutual friends. So naturally dd is upset and confused. She’s been back hanging with leXi and her other 2 close friends and has made some new ones but is very upset. There was a group of about 15 that were fairly close, video calls, all had individual friendships but as a collective got on very well. It was lovely to see. Now I’m not naive to the fact friendships change, year 7 is brutal in that repect. Dd is struggling with this. Sally still tags her in things online, likes her posts etc. I’m just worried as sally has a habit of getting close and dropping people fairly quickly, I’ve not mentioned this to dd as I noticed the pattern with others, however they’ve been inseparable for 2 years so I thought actually everything will be fine.
anyone got some advice because although she’s doing well generally in year 7 the whole friendship thing is hurting her. I went to a high school with no one from my primary school so can’t relate, I had to make completely new friends.

OP posts:
WaitingForMojo · 18/10/2024 23:26

Kindly, I think you’re over invested and that the best thing to do is not worry about the minutiae of DD’s friendships and just focus on supporting her to be confident and self assured. Just focus on your own dd, and let her manage the dynamics. Your job is to help her cope emotionally.

NewName24 · 18/10/2024 23:28

Yup, what @WaitingForMojo said.

Year 7 is very typically a time for meeting new people and becoming friends with different people.
Step back and let it happen.

Original poster
Samandytimlucypeterolivia · 18/10/2024 23:37

WaitingForMojo · 18/10/2024 23:26

Kindly, I think you’re over invested and that the best thing to do is not worry about the minutiae of DD’s friendships and just focus on supporting her to be confident and self assured. Just focus on your own dd, and let her manage the dynamics. Your job is to help her cope emotionally.

I’m trying, I’ve told her she needs to make new friends since day one, which to her credit she has, I think the comment at school caught her off guard, because she’s well aware and supportive of making new friends, I think it didn’t sit right with her that she was told sally wanted to meet new people but then was still hanging around with others. She’s generally happy and only moans occasionally about the teachers. She told me today she’s made some more friends. It’s hard not to invest a little when she was getting upset, I try not to get involved and I’m always encouraging her to see both sides of any story. But I’m proud of how she treats her friends and that’s all I can really ask from her and hope she doesn’t get burned in process.

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TheGriffle · 18/10/2024 23:44

I’m in a similar boat and my dd sounds like yours, she’s the most loving girl. Will do anything for anybody but always seems to come second best in friendship groups yet is the first one they all run to when they fall out with each other. All we’ve done is told her to make sure she’s talking to lots of new people, told her it’s ok if her old friends go off making new ones etc and don’t keep relying on one person but it’s so hard when all you want to do is fix it for them. Plus this is prime bitchy years for girls, they can be awful to each other.

TimoteiChaletpants · 18/10/2024 23:49

You need to take a massive step back from this.

Original poster
Samandytimlucypeterolivia · 19/10/2024 00:03

TheGriffle · 18/10/2024 23:44

I’m in a similar boat and my dd sounds like yours, she’s the most loving girl. Will do anything for anybody but always seems to come second best in friendship groups yet is the first one they all run to when they fall out with each other. All we’ve done is told her to make sure she’s talking to lots of new people, told her it’s ok if her old friends go off making new ones etc and don’t keep relying on one person but it’s so hard when all you want to do is fix it for them. Plus this is prime bitchy years for girls, they can be awful to each other.

Exactly this… 🥰

OP posts:
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 19/10/2024 00:13

It’s so easy for pp to say you should take a step back…of course they are right, but it is so painful to see your child go through this.

It sounds like the girls around your dd are not the easiest. Your dd has to learn to manage this, as well as learning the ability to rely on herself a little so she can weather the coming and going of friendships. Girls can be so unkind to each other and it’s a horrible age.

You can’t fix it op. You can only help continue to ensure confidence and self esteem for your dd. And maybe get her to join a club/sport outside of school for other friendships too.

WaitingForMojo · 19/10/2024 02:19

I know it isn’t easy. Mum of girls too and it’s very difficult. Your dd sounds fab.

TessaFromGreece · 19/10/2024 08:39

Your dd sounds lovely but IME it's girls who are bit full of themselves that are popular in this age group. I recommendation is that she should hold her head high, do clubs that suit her and she genuinely enjoys and seek out a number of new girls and turn her back on old fiends. They'll either join her as they really like your dd or not in which case she has weeded the non friends out.

It's tough but a rite of passage. As mothers we can't and shouldn't control this process. Friendship issues hurt but of she remains true to herself she will keep her dignity and it will all have blown over in a couple of years. And try to get her into a club outside of schools for other friendship opportunities.

Holotropic · 19/10/2024 08:48

Tell her to stop with the ‘doing anything for her friends’ approach. No one respects a people-pleaser. She should centre herself, and do what pleases her, and let other people do some of the running. And yes, you need to take a step back. DS is also 12, and finding it lonely at a new school where he knows no one, and where 90% of the other kids all came from the same two primaries, but while I listen and reassure, it’s best not to have such a minute knowledge of Yoir child’s social life, and the dates of specific friendships.

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