11 year old phone what limit do you put on?

[purpleme12]

11, year old with phone
Do you put a daily limit on for how much they can use it? If so, how much?

I blocked it 7pm -7 am, so she couldn't do anything except call or text selected contacts (me, DH, GP's, BIL).
I limited contacts so only I could add people.
no what's app/social media/youtube.
No games, only homework apps.
I set it to allowed websites only.

Now she's 12 and we allow 30 minutes of gaming a day. It's still blocked 7pm -7am, when she can only contact selected contacts. She is allowed to add contacts herself, and has what's app. She's allowed 15 minutes surfing (inc. YouTube) and it's set to no explicit websites.

Thanks that's really interesting

What about group chats on WhatsApp? (With people they know obviously)
Do you think they're any worse?

No social media. No connecting to strangers. Basic games and WhatsApp to friends and family is ok. No TikTok or YouTube

WhatsApp age limit is 13. I stuck to that as didn't want to teach DC that it was OK to lie, but actually they now say they are glad as they missed the worst of the class WhatsApp bitching and bullying and by 13 were more solid in their friendships so let any remaining stuff wash over them.

Make it clear that you can and will check their phone occasionally. (I initially did it fairly regularly then later only when I was concerned by their behaviour.)

I had strong parental controls eg they could only add apps if I gave them permission, they couldn't watch anything rated 12+ without my permission, nothing explicit. As they got older (and I was confident in their decision-making), I gradually removed them, so that at 16 the only remaining one was no 18+ content. (The needing my permission for apps was occasionally a pain when school asked them to add stuff for something they were doing at school but preferable to them having access to everything.)

No phones during mealtimes, no phones after 1 hour before their bedtime, no phones before school except for practical reasons (eg checking weather, texting friends "have we got PE today?" or checking train times) no more than 30 mins a day of "mindless scrolling".

I've found the whole experience a complete minefield tbh and we create new rules constantly as new situations arise. But our general rules are blocking DD's (11) phone between 8pm and 7am. And the phone is always kept downstairs overnight. No social media at all other than WhatsApp. With WhatsApp she is only allowed to chat to a small number of close friends and we've changed the settings so she can't be added to groups. She can't get any apps without consent so if she wants an app then she sends a request to mine and dh's phones and we ok it if it's suitable. She has clubs most nights of the week so she doesn't get to use her phone much during the week and she can only use it once her homework's done. She also knows that we will check her phone on a regular basis to make sure nobody is sending anything nasty or inappropriate to each other or involved in online bullying. She's allowed to FaceTime a small number of close friends that we've ok'd. Most of her friends' parents have similar rules which makes it easier to enforce as she doesn't feel like the hard done by one, although one new friend regularly messages their group chat at 11pm at night which I personally find shocking.

She's just been added to a group (friends at school)
Boys and girls
And it's just full of 'answer the call or you're gay'
And 'bro you got a roasting'
Amongst other things
I don't know if it's the combination of boys being included and the fact that it's a group chat
Nothing awful has happened in it but I don't like how the chat is

No phone at all at home during the week, not needed as phone is for travel to and from school only.

1.5 hours each weekend day.

phone is checked regularly, messages etc

unable to download apps without permission from my phone.

look at smart phone free childhood on insta for reasons why.

would rather they didn’t have one at all but feel trapped due to friendships etc.

My child doesn’t like group chats which suits me. Usually just mutes and archives as always added back.

I'm wondering whether I should put a limit on it for how long she can use it in a day

Most of the group chats get ignored and muted after the novelty has worn off so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

DD is 13. When she was 11 I had it shut down at 9pm which was her bedtime. I have a big rule that I should be able to look at her phone at any time of my choosing to ensure she and others were safe. She was not banned from any sites. They all had them anyway and it would have excluded her.

The biggest issue is not access, it's rules.

Understand that people are not who they say they are.
Don't talk to strangers on any app.
Everything set to private and friends only.
No full names online
If a stranger messages something off - and it might not be obvious at first - tell me. Block them.
No bullying or nastiness - seeing or taking part.
At 11 the phone came to me at bedtime every night.
Big talk on the dangers of posting, ways conversations can go and it being there for ever.

I wouldn't because things like listening to music will count as screen time. Monitor it all manually.

At 11 we did:
Only WhatsApp
Absolutely no social media
Made sure WiFi was shut down so no dodgy sites ( I couldn't even buy a vibrator!)
Only an hour a day and then it turned off (some app)
We checked it every day. (Tbh boring as fuck but every now and again spotted a serious problem that we could talk through)

They can listen to music through an Alexa and then not fuck their ears up!

2 hours a day
Turns off at 8pm
Limits on WhatsApp and YouTube - maybe 20 mins each? Can't remember.
We don't often check it, I look over her shoulder a fair amount and there was one occasion where she got very worked up and whatsapp had to go for 6 weeks 😉

@MoreCardassianThanKardashian that is interesting to know about the novelty wearing off!
It would be nice if it did lol

Am just feeling a bit unsure about this particular group chat

2 hours ok that's interesting

She doesn't listen to music on her phone

Or rarely anyway

@Moonshiners they don't have to be using headphones and I don't see the benefit of one device on the side over another on the side. Assuming it's not in their hand becoming part of them!

If it's not to your liking, absolutely get them to leave. DD has loads and isn't an active participant in any. Most people wouldn't be aware of who was in and who had left unless they looked specifically.

Thanks

All new and hard to know

3 of the boys on the group chat were still messaging 10 minutes ago!

Mine only has WhatsApp for messsging.

no social media and it will stay that way for as long as possible.

she uses it but not every day…she could go 3 days without it and not care.

if and when she does have it, I will monitor what she’s doing.

I keep it in my bedside locker at night.

I don't think there's a one size fits all approach really. Depends on the child.
I don't limit screen time because my ds13 does a lot of sports and is active a lot so when he's at home he's free to do what he likes. It balances.
His phone is turned off at night but stays in his room because he is trustworthy.
He has most of the social media platforms except Facebook. He only recently got instagram but he's had WhatsApp, TikTok and Snapchat for a while. I have restricted mode on and keep a close eye.
He knows that if he sees anything inappropriate or that makes him uncomfortable he needs to tell me.
It's very hard because you don't want them to be the odd one out. So much socialising happens online now whether we like it or not.
I feel like the key is having open communication with your kids. Don't make them feel bad or like they can't come to you if any issues do arise.

My 11 year old got his first phone for his birthday last week and it has been… interesting. Rules are

Phone is charged and stays in my room overnight, he puts it to charge at 8:30 at the latest and he isn’t allowed it before school.

Only ‘social media’ app is WhatsApp, he is allowed in groups but I go through the phone and messages every night (agree with PP mainly this is boring AF)

I was considering putting screen time limits but I feel like he has a good balance with it at the moment, he isn’t glued to it and will often leave it at home to go off and play with his friends. He was on it for what felt like a long time yesterday and when I said what are you doing? He was watching the greatest showman 😂 so things like that are fine.

If I start to get concerned he’s on it too much will consider screen time limits.

ETA he also gets messages from friends this late at night, I find that shocking.