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Friend, don't fancy him at all but spending a lot of time in couple type situations

25 replies

Redruns · 18/10/2024 18:55

I've known him for ages in a friend of a friend kind of way, but recently he seems to have become more part of the group I socialise most often with. We're the only single people and neither of us need to work particularly hard these days (established careers, no family to support) so we have more time on our hands than other friends, and possibly more disposable income. We also share some interests, so we have somehow been spending a lot of time together - whenever one of us sees something we fancy advertised, we'll be the first port of call for someone to go with. Sometimes we go with other friends too, but recently less so.

In the last week we've been to see a band, a show, a comedy night and a sports thing, plus had a run and a coffee. This is a lot, even for us, but 2-3 times a week is usual.

He's always perfectly well behaved, just friendly, never given any indication he wants more, but that's a lot of contact, right? It's unusual a man to be investing that much time and money in a woman without wanting more, isn't it? We each pay our own way but obviously there's a cost to all this socialising.

I like him, we get on, but I don't think there's any sort of spark and I don't want things to get messy.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/10/2024 19:01

Maybe he just finds you good company, doesn't fancy you or think that you fancy him, and likes having someone to do stuff with?

To be honest a lot depends what you look like. If you are stunningly gorgeous and he is straight, he is probably hoping to have sex with you. If you look like Kathy Burke (and are as lovely and funny as Kathy Burke) then you can remain safely friendzoned.

MounjaroUser · 18/10/2024 19:02

I think he may well be interested in something more - you're seeing each other more than a lot of people in serious relationships!

Have a think about this missing spark. There's a hell of a lot to be said for going for someone who's really great and who you get on well with, and then building up to a sexual relationship. Look how many spark-led relationships fail.

Redruns · 18/10/2024 19:06

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/10/2024 19:01

Maybe he just finds you good company, doesn't fancy you or think that you fancy him, and likes having someone to do stuff with?

To be honest a lot depends what you look like. If you are stunningly gorgeous and he is straight, he is probably hoping to have sex with you. If you look like Kathy Burke (and are as lovely and funny as Kathy Burke) then you can remain safely friendzoned.

I'm probably OK 😆 I think I'm well presented for an ordinary looking middle aged woman. He's a bit younger than me, but also nothing special to look at.

OP posts:

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Twistybranch · 18/10/2024 19:13

Hmmm

I mean he hasn’t tried anything. Surely if you’ve spent that amount of time together (it does sound a lot), you would pick up on any vibes?

Best to ask friends in the group, if they are aware of if he has any feelings for you. If they’re no help, then I think it’s best to talk to him, just to make things clear, and hopefully you can carry on your friendship

Laiste · 18/10/2024 19:19

Is he a divorcee?

Is he def straight?

Do the pair of you discuss relationships or what you want for the future in that regard?

Redruns · 18/10/2024 19:24

Laiste · 18/10/2024 19:19

Is he a divorcee?

Is he def straight?

Do the pair of you discuss relationships or what you want for the future in that regard?

He's not divorced but he did have a long live in relationship with a woman whose children he treated as his own.

I do think he's definitely straight

No we don't really have hopes and dreams conversations

OP posts:
buttonsB4 · 18/10/2024 19:24

I'm sure you've heard of "situationships", it seems you've found yourself companionship.

You're both at a similar stage of life, with similar free time and disposable income and you enjoy each other's company. If he was female, you wouldn't think twice about it.

I would take it at face value and assume you're both friends unless he indicates otherwise or your feelings change.

It will only get complicated if one of you makes a pass and it's not reciprocated, or if one of you starts dating someone else, because then the remaining single person will probably get dropped.

Redruns · 18/10/2024 19:25

If we've talked about relationships, it's only that we're both happily single

OP posts:
Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 18/10/2024 19:26

Ask him - I wasn’t saw if my current DH fancied me but I asked him after a date on the phone - are you planning on holding my hand 🤣🤔as he hadn’t for the first few dates. He said he’d like to and the next date he grabbed my hand. Turns out he is a very respectful old school type and on the holding hands date at the end he asked for a kiss and got a yes. He’s now lives with me 🤣🤣

SoosieM · 18/10/2024 19:30

I had a friend similar to this. We spent an awful lot of time together considering we weren't a couple.
Very clear from the start that a relationship would never be on the cards as I was planning a move abroad when we met. He wasn't my type and I thought I wasn't his. He never gave any indication he was interested in more than friendship but it turns out he did fancy me.

Things never got messy because I moved away but I think if I had stayed things would have got complicated. We are still in contact 8 years later and regularly chat about our shared interests but I think the friendship probably would have fizzled out if we had been in the same country.

YougoyourWay · 18/10/2024 19:30

That’s a lot of time to spend together in one week. If you are definitely not interested I would maybe not see him so much or make sure others come along.

Are you saying you think he wants more?

LoraPiano · 18/10/2024 19:55

"It's unusual a man to be investing that much time and money in a woman without wanting more, isn't it?"

Not so unusual at all. Some men, especially when they get older, just want companionship and a "social couple" experience with no expectations. It's much better than going to events and doing stuff alone. Plus you pay your way so even better.

Just be sure to not develop any expectations or feelings, like any non-relationship, this might come to an abrupt end end at the moment he decides to date someone seriously.

How old are you both?

TheMarzipanDildo · 18/10/2024 20:05

I’m in a situation like this, but it turned out he did fancy me, and we slept together, and it was a bad decision imo. But he was always very flirty, and I had just chosen to ignore it before.

I think some men are perfectly happy having platonic female friends, however. There is a lot to be said for friendship.

Redruns · 18/10/2024 20:09

LoraPiano · 18/10/2024 19:55

"It's unusual a man to be investing that much time and money in a woman without wanting more, isn't it?"

Not so unusual at all. Some men, especially when they get older, just want companionship and a "social couple" experience with no expectations. It's much better than going to events and doing stuff alone. Plus you pay your way so even better.

Just be sure to not develop any expectations or feelings, like any non-relationship, this might come to an abrupt end end at the moment he decides to date someone seriously.

How old are you both?

I'm 55, have done the marriage and kids thing and no plans to "settle down" again. He's 47 no kids, so young enough to have them (with someone else!), but badly hurt by the last experience and says he's happily single now.

I can indeed see that happening though and know our friendship wouldn't carry on like this if he was in a relationship. Tbh that happens to some extent with all friends when they meet someone though.

OP posts:
Laiste · 18/10/2024 20:12

If you are happy being his friend and spending a fair amount of time with him then why not just carry on? If he makes a pass and you knock him back it'll ruin it probably but that hasn't happened. And might not. And if it does then that's out of your control so you can't hold yourself responsible for it.

I'm not sure i properly understand the problem OP. Genuinely.

Are you feeling that you are wasting your time with him? Wasting as in 'could/should be using this time to be seeking a potential romantic partner instead'?

Redruns · 18/10/2024 20:24

Laiste · 18/10/2024 20:12

If you are happy being his friend and spending a fair amount of time with him then why not just carry on? If he makes a pass and you knock him back it'll ruin it probably but that hasn't happened. And might not. And if it does then that's out of your control so you can't hold yourself responsible for it.

I'm not sure i properly understand the problem OP. Genuinely.

Are you feeling that you are wasting your time with him? Wasting as in 'could/should be using this time to be seeking a potential romantic partner instead'?

I don't know that there is problem, I am prone to over thinking!

I'm enjoying having someone readily available when I see something I fancy doing. It's also nice to have someone who often invites me to do things. Married friends seem to need loads of notice for a night out and others are short of cash and/or time.

It's a comfortable, easy arrangement. We go to things I'd otherwise go to alone or not at all. I never feel nervous (like I might on a date). I do feel I need to be reasonably well turned out because he always makes an effort, but he does that whoever he's with.

It's just nice, but I daresay people around us are wondering if we're a couple. I just hope he's not one of them!

OP posts:
Redruns · 18/10/2024 20:25

Laiste · 18/10/2024 20:12

If you are happy being his friend and spending a fair amount of time with him then why not just carry on? If he makes a pass and you knock him back it'll ruin it probably but that hasn't happened. And might not. And if it does then that's out of your control so you can't hold yourself responsible for it.

I'm not sure i properly understand the problem OP. Genuinely.

Are you feeling that you are wasting your time with him? Wasting as in 'could/should be using this time to be seeking a potential romantic partner instead'?

No I'm definitely not looking for a romantic partner. If anything this is one of the "benefits", having a partner for things without having to do the romance thing 😆

OP posts:
WhoStoleMySpoons · 18/10/2024 20:29

Related to Laiste's last paragraph, I had a friend who had a platonic relationship with a man, much the same as you. She liked him as a friend, but dearly wanted a relationship with someone more suited to her. Thing is, this man friend hoovered up all her spare time in the end, and she never had the chance to meet anyone special.

It's great to have someone to spend time with, but keep some time for yourself and don't close yourself off to other opportunities.

Icanttakethisanymore · 18/10/2024 20:33

You’re definitely over thinking this. Assume it’s fine (because it should be) and if he makes a pass at you knock him back. Doesn’t sound like he will though, he probably just enjoys your company as much as you enjoy his.

Icanttakethisanymore · 18/10/2024 20:35

WhoStoleMySpoons · 18/10/2024 20:29

Related to Laiste's last paragraph, I had a friend who had a platonic relationship with a man, much the same as you. She liked him as a friend, but dearly wanted a relationship with someone more suited to her. Thing is, this man friend hoovered up all her spare time in the end, and she never had the chance to meet anyone special.

It's great to have someone to spend time with, but keep some time for yourself and don't close yourself off to other opportunities.

Thing is, this man friend hoovered up all her spare time in the end, and she never had the chance to meet anyone special.

Hi didn’t ’hoover Up’ her time, she willingly spent her spare time with him… surely?

Laiste · 18/10/2024 20:35

OK - well, maybe think of him in the same way as a female friend. A good mate. I have friends who always look nice and i feel i should too so that's ok.

The only pit fall, i guess, is that if he does find a female romantic partner you might fall off the radar. Which might hurt. Just guard your (not in a romantic way) heart Smile

WhoStoleMySpoons · 18/10/2024 20:43

Icanttakethisanymore · 18/10/2024 20:35

Thing is, this man friend hoovered up all her spare time in the end, and she never had the chance to meet anyone special.

Hi didn’t ’hoover Up’ her time, she willingly spent her spare time with him… surely?

No, she wasn't very assertive and he never took no for an answer.

Icanttakethisanymore · 18/10/2024 20:59

WhoStoleMySpoons · 18/10/2024 20:43

No, she wasn't very assertive and he never took no for an answer.

Ok…. Not sure how this is relevant to the OP, who I assume is perfectly capable of mustering up the word ‘no’ if she doesn’t want to see someone.

Redruns · 18/10/2024 21:01

Icanttakethisanymore · 18/10/2024 20:59

Ok…. Not sure how this is relevant to the OP, who I assume is perfectly capable of mustering up the word ‘no’ if she doesn’t want to see someone.

Actually I have turned him down for tomorrow afternoon because I really need to squeeze in some chores....but I am seeing him for breakfast and again in the evening 😆

OP posts:
WhoStoleMySpoons · 18/10/2024 21:06

Icanttakethisanymore · 18/10/2024 20:59

Ok…. Not sure how this is relevant to the OP, who I assume is perfectly capable of mustering up the word ‘no’ if she doesn’t want to see someone.

The relevance was in keeping options open. Which it sounds like OP is doing.

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