When your DF loves his step kids more

[Sarah24x]

Has anyone experienced this? DM unexpectedly died when I was an early teen. DF started a relationship DSM shortly after who happened to be a friend of DM.
Her kids are younger than me and are very pleasant but it’s obvious he favours them. Examples being he has always taken them on lavish holidays while I don’t get invited (he’s a high earner while dsm doesn’t work so I presume he pays for this as the kids are studying ), spends family days out with them regularly which I don’t get invited too. When we were younger, he used to attend their parents evenings with dsm but miss mine at times. He always speaks of his step kids so highly and it’s quite obvious when we are all together, he enjoys their company more.

I don’t expect him to invite me anywhere anymore as I’m an adult (stepkids are also young adults) but it has been like this for years. He is very helpful as he helped me move my furniture when I moved flat which I was grateful for but it does hurt he prefers his stepkids. I live close to him but rarely hear from him unless I contact him. We’ve never had a fallen out. He’s currently with them all on a long holiday on the other side of the world and I keep seeing photos of them all on social media. I feel very stupid feeling envy that he prefers them to his own child.

Sorry for rambling!

Have you ever had an honest conversation with him about the way you feel? He might not realise that you still need him as a dad even though you are an adult and would like to be included in family activities.

As a parent myself, I used to have the idea that once the kids were adults, they didn’t need you so much anymore and became independent and relatively uninvolved. But in reality, I have found adult kids still need their parents as interested and supportive family members, especially now that adult life is more volatile.

Oh OP this is so sad 😢 Was he there for you while you were grieving your mum as a teen? Could it be that you remind him of her? I think you need some honest conversation and maybe drop in some home truths like I think mum would want you to support me more, or I think my step siblings wonder why you don't include me more etc - because it seems he's not very aware of how visible his actions must be.
Are you close to your step siblings? I hope he pulls his finger out - and gives you the tlc you deserve x

He sounds like an asshole. You should tell him how he makes you feel.

It’s an awful thing, but some men do relationships through their partners. They see men as the back up parent, the wife does the social network stuff with him backing her up. Hence some men appear to be more into their wife’s family than their own.

So the easiest way to tackle it would be to cosy up with his wife.

Obviously that’s not fair or right. But pragmatic

Is it that his wife is just much better at organising shit?
When I was about 19 my mum moved abroad for a couple of years predominantly to look after my grandfather who was dying. This was pre mobile phones and she went to a country where it was almost impossible to speak regularly. I spoke to her far more than I did my dad because I realized that he never ever rings me even when my mum's not there. I was living away from home and I think in the two years he rang me once! That was 30 years ago and I've just looked in the last time he contacted me on my mobile was three years ago. My mum does everything in terms of contact he loves me very much but it's just not in his radar.

Me and my dad no longer have a relationship. It's not because of your situation, but believe your relationship might be affected by the same thing. My dad is not an affectionate person and doesn't maintain relationships or organise anything. He split with my mum at 8 and got into a serious relationship with my step mum when I was 10. We never got on. As adults my dad visits my sister far more and they look after her kids, give her support. My sister witters on social media about was an amazing grandad he is #perfectdad. My sister is quite fake where things like that are; but it does p**s me off still. Me and my dad never argued and in fact have a lot more in common, but set up has continued this way for a long time.

I then had kids a while back myself (a lot later than my little sister) and realised how it was supposed to be and was further disappointed by his complete lack of interest. I realised at this time that my dad has a lot of short comings and it it wasn't for my step mum; he would be exactly the same with my sister. That it was him all along; not her. He parents and maintains relationships through his significant other. It doesn't actually come from him...he attends and he does as instructed. Because I don't get on with her; she doesn't do that for me. I can't blame her for that. His relationship with me is ultimately his responsibility.

I discussed it it with my dad diplomaticically. The result: nothing changed; he did absolutely nothing. I stopped seeing my dad...I didn't want to pretend anymore and visit a perfect stranger and put all the effort in. I do feel a hell of a lot better though. 'Your people' aren't always blood relatives. Leaving him behind released me from his judgement; and the constant never feeling important or good enough.

I told my story because I think there might be similarities to your situation. That his interest in his step kids; is actually probably piggy backing off your step mums efforts...eg not organising the holiday... attending the holiday etc. That he wasn't perhaps a better parent with your mum around; just piggy backing off her effort?? A lot of men are like that unfortunately. However you do deserve better. With your mum having passed her has to step it up to maintain a healthy relationship. I do think you should talk with your dad like I did. Hopefully you will get a better result. Good luck OP ❤️

You need to tell him how you feel and find out why he behaves like he does. Ask ''why do you love SD more than me?'' You must pin him down on the matter. Tell him you need a full and frank explanation because the matter is very distressing for you. And do not let him deny the way he behaves. Ask him if he does it to please his wife etc? I am telling you this because unless you understand or he changes - it will stay with you all your life and you will always be upset by it and may need counselling.

What a shame. The greatest thing in life is to be loved, and one of the worst to be ignored.

I have stepchildren - long since grown up - I was able to treat better in some ways than my own, because I had become wealthy.

They behaved abominably. One stole from me. Another tried but failed to steal property from me.

There may be a number of other factors at play too. When your mother sadly died it may have actually meant he became financially more stable if perhaps his mortgage was paid off. Add in that your step mother may have had a capital divorce settlement and that she may receive child maintenance from their father (or indeed inheritance if her previous partner had died). Thus as a family unit they may be able to afford holidays now that they simply couldn't then. Add in to that your father may have progressed in his career. Often it can be a real change in income from say 30 to 40 or 40 to 50 on some career paths if they become partners or directors..

By all means have a conversation about feeling sidelined or not part of the family but base this on affectio rather than material things.

Do you and your step mum get along? We did get more holidays (Me and half sibling, as he was better off and his other children were grew up and didn't want to come and there was only 2 of us). We moved to bigger house but he was doing better financially through work and had to relocate. I have told my story below but I think ours was more animosity from his children due to circumstances.

I am step child. My SD has brought me up from being 3yr old so effectively my dad (dont see birth father, never had great relationship and not seen for 15 years). I am closer to my step dad than any of his children - and he raised 5 by himself, plus had 1 with my mum. His children have never liked my mum - not that she ever did anything wrong, she took on his 5 children and did everything for them she could - but they were all young adults/teens and they wanted their mum who ran off with another man. They have been married 40+ years and he was married to first wife 20. Even growing into fully fledged adults his first 5 children have used him as a cash cow (he had a really good job before he retired and is a very clever man so has done well for himself). There have been fallouts and a lot of them don't speak now, or only speak when they want something. I see him every week, I can talk to him about everything and he has helped me so much over the years, through divorces and moving and having children, job decision, everything. I am his favourite child because I cause him no drama, i help them and do things for them, and I am always at the end of the phone if they need anything.

I’m sorry he has made you feel this way.

Is it possible that your DM and DSM have very different expectations regarding parenting so your DSM insists on him doing things that he goes along with, which give an impression of being closer to his DSC? Or maybe your DM dying made him reassess his behaviour in a relationship and family, which has made you feel excluded because he is now putting in the effort he should have put in when you were younger?

There was a really interesting thread on here at one point about the phenomenon of men only caring for the children of their current girlfriend/ wife.

Soooo many posters had stories of their once seemingly decent dads no longer bothering with them once they split with their mother.

So like @SensibleSigma upthread, I'm thinking it's because your mum isn't in the picture anymore. Obviously your dad hasn't cut you out, but you aren't a child off his wife, so aren't really part of the family unit.

Its outrageous, but it's not your fault.

I would write how and why you feel in a letter for him.
I believe writing letters is sometimes is more effective than talking (depends on the scenario)
1: They can't interupt you (intentionally or not) and sometimes that doesn't give the the chance to get everything of your chest
2: it's easier to write down a valid point that you fear may hurt them if you would had said it face to face or quite possibly avoided to bring it up to avoid the upset.
3: It gives them the time and space to fully acknowledge and really think to understand from your point of view or placing themselves in your shoes
4: for yourself writing it down might stir up your emotions but after you will feel so much better for it

Yes, my DB and I experienced this. My DM and DF divorced when we were preteen. DF remarried and my SM had two children slightly younger than us. Without doubt DF preferred them.
I was NC for a while but even when we did get back in contact there was obvious favouritism. I never got a birthday present or when I had a child they never got any sort of gift. Nothing. Exact opposite for my SM kids (we were all adults at this point).
Even when he died he left more to them. A final slap in the face really.

I mean, the whole won't-see-his-kids-but-spoils-hers thing is a literal meme on the internet. And I don't have a nice explanation for it. Some men appear to manage their own interests, which is to say that if the woman they're currently with wants him to do that, then that's what he'll do.

Because he's prioritising his comfort/life/access to sex/relationship, idk. Whatever it is, it's not about prioritising responsibilities.

However, in your case I wonder if it might be something else. Do you look like your mum? I do, and my mum was a bit of a tyrant, so everyone avoids me for that reason. I think they look at my face and get the heeby jeebies. Does he look at you and miss your mum? Is that hard for him? It doesn't make it ok, even if that is the case, but that's a little less painful than him being a selfish arse. I think you need to talk to him, OP.

Do you think he actively persues this relationship with his step kids, or do you think it's just his new wife organises everything, so obviously organises stuff for/with her kids, and he is just tagging along?

My Dad spends a lot more time with his step kids than me, principally because I have to organise every aspect of seeing him, whereas his wife and stepdaughter both put effort into seeing each other and he can come along.

There is nothing in your post that suggests her prefers them. It sounds more like he’s going along with whatever his wife suggests/plans/arranges. Lots of men are lazy/passive in this way, just pay for things and let the rest happen around them. It’s crap, for sure, but I don’t think it means he loves them more.

This. You need to let him know how you feel.

I agree with the posters suggesting that it isn't that he doesn't love you, but that your step mum facilitates his relationship with her children. My DH and I have been together for over forty years and have adult DC and DGC and in his own way he clearly loves them. However, any contact DH has with them is really only ever through me - it simply wouldn't cross his mind to call or text them himself. I know they sometimes feel sad and frustrated about it, but he simply doesn't have the emotional intelligence to maintain any sort of properly close relationship with them.

I’d be hurt in your situation too. The child within is always stays a child, in some ways.

maybe your dad is trying really hard with them, as they’re young and he wants to make them feel like a family?

do you have your own family? It sounds as though you are grown up and independent?

maybe he has more time and capacity now for things like parents evening, whereas when you were a child he was in the thick of trying to grow his career and make it all happen?

there may be a very plausible explanation, but I do think that you should have a very honest chat with him and perhaps commit to having regular time with him. It may well turn out that you father thinks that you’ve moved on and don’t have so much time for him, anymore?

This is so true! My OH has 2 adult daughters and he very rarely thinks to check in on them or when I suggest he has a day out with just him and them he never does.
But if I suggest it, he’s all for it.
It’s not in malice, he just isn’t spontaneous and would rather I plan our time.
@Sarah24x Do you have a good relationship with SM? Do you message her or just your dad?
I feel that my partners kids feel like you do but they never contact me, speak to me much when they visit etc so I find it hard to ask them to come to things as I know they would rather just time with their dad and sisters (mine and OH children).

Thanks all for your replies 😊 And many apologies for my late response. I did once bring it up to my dad when I was around 17 and he got upset but the same continued. I’ve been putting off mentioning it again in the worry I would rock the boat as we do get on amicably.
I do wonder if it’s because I do look very much like DM and after DM died I was depressed and developed an ed shortly after so probably was a difficult child to deal with.
I do get on well with DSM and her kids are lovely but it does sting that he seems to prefer them. I have my own dc and couldn’t fathom loving a partners kids more than my own xx