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How to help ASD child with feelings about inanimate objects due to trauma

23 replies

Objectpersonification · 17/10/2024 17:24

Problems range from the typical hyper empathy towards inanimate objects (eg thinking a teddy is scared / lonely if we go out or hurt if it falls off the bed) to the more worrying intense jealousy of inanimate objects.

If I say ‘oh that’s a nice car’ or get a new item of clothing and express a liking for it or speak about something positively it triggers off a meltdown that I like that thing better than them (sorry can’t give more details except age under 10). It’s clear this is due to trauma at a young age and feeling unloved and uncared for and emotional needs not being met resulting in feeling as if objects could have more worth due to such low self esteem but what can I do except for being very careful with what I say and trying to not trigger this off? Has anyone been through similar

OP posts:
isodontknow · 17/10/2024 17:30

I'm not sure avoidance is always the best technique. Could you train yourself to be more descriptive in what you say.
"oh that’s a nice car" becomes
"oh that’s a nicer car than our old one"
"oh that’s a nicer car than that one over there"

"I love this new jumper, it's more comfy than my blue one"

"I love this x but not as much as I love you"

Make sure teddy has a friend so isn't lonely. Give teddy a hug because it fell on the floor. Or a bandage.

Objectpersonification · 17/10/2024 17:32

isodontknow · 17/10/2024 17:30

I'm not sure avoidance is always the best technique. Could you train yourself to be more descriptive in what you say.
"oh that’s a nice car" becomes
"oh that’s a nicer car than our old one"
"oh that’s a nicer car than that one over there"

"I love this new jumper, it's more comfy than my blue one"

"I love this x but not as much as I love you"

Make sure teddy has a friend so isn't lonely. Give teddy a hug because it fell on the floor. Or a bandage.

Yes that’s a good idea. We are waiting for an appt with CAMHS but I need to do something in the meantime as it’s really upsetting. It’s hard to think a child can have such a low opinion of themselves that a simple everyday object could somehow be more liked I hope we can overcome this

OP posts:
Redebs · 17/10/2024 17:42

I'm not sure I understand why those feelings are related to trauma? Do you know he has had traumatic experiences?

Young children often assign feelings to objects and it's a really normal part of growing up. It's quite usual for teddies, trucks, etc to have emotions and voices in young children's stories.

The anxiety about you loving them more than him is likely to become less over time as he learns that you value him as a person. Being explicit about 'let's pretend this car is feeling happy, even though we know cars don't really have feelings' is going to help him appreciate that it's just play. He will eventually get the message that you care about him in a different way than you do about a toy or a vehicle.

Objectpersonification · 17/10/2024 17:47

Redebs · 17/10/2024 17:42

I'm not sure I understand why those feelings are related to trauma? Do you know he has had traumatic experiences?

Young children often assign feelings to objects and it's a really normal part of growing up. It's quite usual for teddies, trucks, etc to have emotions and voices in young children's stories.

The anxiety about you loving them more than him is likely to become less over time as he learns that you value him as a person. Being explicit about 'let's pretend this car is feeling happy, even though we know cars don't really have feelings' is going to help him appreciate that it's just play. He will eventually get the message that you care about him in a different way than you do about a toy or a vehicle.

Yes trauma from a very young age due to neglect and emotional abuse

OP posts:
Objectpersonification · 17/10/2024 17:48

Sorry it’s hard to give more details (fostering) so that’s why only a vague age etc. waiting for CAMHS or other support takes ages I just wondered if anyone had been through anything similar to get ideas as to how to help

OP posts:
leia24 · 17/10/2024 17:57

Ask your SSW and keep reassuring him that you care about him and want him around.

ChunkyPanda · 17/10/2024 18:03

Thank you for fostering. What a wonderful thing to do. Hope someone knowledgable comes along.

Beamur · 17/10/2024 18:04

My DD could also be very empathetic and objectify inanimate objects - like the sad teddy and would feel this incredibly strongly (similarly ASD diagnosed). To some extent I would go along with it - gave Teddy a blanket, made sure Teddy had a friend etc.
Presumably your child's issue around jealousy is more of an attachment one? Sounds like some professional guidance would be really helpful for you. I'd guess it's a pretty deep seated insecurity.

Beamur · 17/10/2024 18:05

I don't think I am really offering any insight! Hope your CAHMS wait isn't too long.

TheSnugHare · 17/10/2024 18:08

I think you might be wrong I thought it was common for autistic children to think their toys are real

Birdscratch · 17/10/2024 18:13

I don’t know if it will help but have you tried explaining that they are unique and there’s only one them? That if you lost the sweater or the car broke down you could just get another sweater or another car that’s just the same, but there’s only one of them so they’re precious? Maybe find some story books that will back up the message.

Objectpersonification · 17/10/2024 18:22

Birdscratch · 17/10/2024 18:13

I don’t know if it will help but have you tried explaining that they are unique and there’s only one them? That if you lost the sweater or the car broke down you could just get another sweater or another car that’s just the same, but there’s only one of them so they’re precious? Maybe find some story books that will back up the message.

Yes that’s a good idea. Maybe I’m thinking of it the wrong way round and trying to avoid triggering when what I need to do is help build self esteem up? Of all the issues we’ve faced some you would assume would have more impact but this has really made me feel helpless as you just can’t imagine what a child has been through to get to the point where they feel that worthless and threatened by simple objects. I have expected things like pushing boundaries etc but this is just such a vulnerability and seeing a little face crumble when I said once that I really liked my new mug just really makes me determined to build up self esteem and let them know how much they are worth as a person and that hopefully we can remove the fear of objects in this way

OP posts:
Jessie1259 · 17/10/2024 18:35

DS's imaginary friend was a train, he has ASD. I think inanimate objects/toys often make more sense to kids with ASD than people do. If it's his teddy that he feels very strongly about then I would treat that teddy as you would treat him/have teddy act how you would like him to act. So if he falls off the bed, give him a hug, ask him if he's hurt himself, have ted nod or tell you he's ok or not and plaster/bandage him if needed. I think he could potentially learn a lot through teddy around being cared for and feelings.

I agree with not always avoiding saying you like something abd agree with reassuring him that there are a million mugs in the world but there is only one of you type thing to let him know he is special and unique. However he might not be in a place to cope with that yet, he might need it avoiding just while he learns to trust you a bit more. I don't know how long he's been with you or will be with you though.

You definitely need some professional support though! It's hard to know what is trauma and what is ASD and how best to support him. I'm so glad he's got you to love him now.

SensibleSigma · 17/10/2024 18:36

Definitely had some wise advice. Lots of role playing with the toys. Talk through how they feel. It’s common to use toys to express things in a safe, third party way.

Talk through how lonely teddy feels, and discuss how we can help him feel better, work out what teddy can do to feel better. Maybe teddy could go and find his safe grown up and ask for a hug. Maybe Teddy could tell us when we get home, so we know to make sure he has a teddy friend with him next time we go out, etc.

If teddy gets hurt, show how to rub it better and give him an extra big cuddle to help him feel better

It’s great he’s using language to describe feelings, and that he has empathy for other people.

Objectpersonification · 17/10/2024 18:42

Thankyou so much for all the advice. I really just feel so determined to do my best to help these feelings be understood and worked through and support to gain self esteem but it’s hard sometimes as I have to be strong and professional but it did make me quite emotional last night once everyone was asleep I have to admit but I need to be able to put that aside and get my logical head back on.

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Isthisjustnormal · 17/10/2024 18:55

I’m not sure how helpful this is - but purely from the ASD side, I’ve seen some people talk about asd as being about feeling too much emotion (where historically it’s seen been as not expressing emotions). My dc when younger would get absolutely tearful having to choose one book in a bookshop for example - he would have three favourites and felt so strongly that the ones he didn’t choose would be upset and he just couldn’t bear that. Even now as a young adult he is very attached to his own inanimate objects especially cuddlies.

Tbh I never really found a ‘solution’ but instead was empathic about the emotion and worked with it so to speak - so finding ways for teddy to feel better and treating the emotion with the realness he was experiencing (and tbh, buying all three books! I love books too!) But just to say that element may definitely be Asd rather than /as well as trauma related.

as others have said, thank you for what you are doing - it’s a hard and impressive thing you are doing!

KnopkaPixie · 18/10/2024 00:43

I was like that when I was a child. I don't know whether I am ASD or any other type of neurodivergent but I was certainly very lonely as a small peep and didn't trust any kind of human being at all.

This is my first post on Mumsnet so I'm a bit hesitant to go into great detail but the thing that bridged the gap between caring deeply about whether a pencil felt pain when it was broken or any suchlike thing was animals. A cat jogged me out of it. Thankyou Sacha, silver tabby cat. Brett Seed's grandma's cat's kitten. She was a stepping stone, if you will.

I don't know if I have articulated myself very well but for what it's worth...I've had a go.

Thankyou for fostering. You're a wonderful person.

123dogdog · 18/10/2024 01:04

I am autistic and I’m still like that a lot of the time, it’s not as bad as it used to be but it’s very much still there.

like in friends when Phoebe gets upset about the Christmas being shredded which means they can’t fulfil their purpose. Like in a shop I’ll be looking at say chocolate bars and if I pick one up and it’s broken I feel I can’t put it back and get another because the broken one will be sad and I’ll have upset it. This happens with basically everything in shops. It happens with recycling too, if I put a plastic bottle in the rubbish I then feel terrible because the plastic bottle hasn’t fulfilled its destiny.

and the jealously towards objects if I think a person likes them more than me, is absolutely a thing for me.

I do have trauma, from very early teens, but I had the same feelings long before that happened. I’m at a point now that I can often (66% of the time) tell myself it’s all good someone else will love it and it’ll fulfil its purpose.

logically it makes no sense, but in my head it’s the only thing that matters.

KnopkaPixie · 18/10/2024 01:25

123dogdog · 18/10/2024 01:04

I am autistic and I’m still like that a lot of the time, it’s not as bad as it used to be but it’s very much still there.

like in friends when Phoebe gets upset about the Christmas being shredded which means they can’t fulfil their purpose. Like in a shop I’ll be looking at say chocolate bars and if I pick one up and it’s broken I feel I can’t put it back and get another because the broken one will be sad and I’ll have upset it. This happens with basically everything in shops. It happens with recycling too, if I put a plastic bottle in the rubbish I then feel terrible because the plastic bottle hasn’t fulfilled its destiny.

and the jealously towards objects if I think a person likes them more than me, is absolutely a thing for me.

I do have trauma, from very early teens, but I had the same feelings long before that happened. I’m at a point now that I can often (66% of the time) tell myself it’s all good someone else will love it and it’ll fulfil its purpose.

logically it makes no sense, but in my head it’s the only thing that matters.

I do that. Pick the broken or crumpled one in the shops. I try to rationalise it by thinking to myself that it's food waste or it will get wasted somehow if I don't take it.

Not what we are talking about here but it later life, might this be a part explanation for hoarding?

Trallers · 18/10/2024 01:45

This might be oversimplified and therefore u helpful, but could you like things together and then build up to i like/you like. For example, which breakfast cereal do we like? Let's look at my new mug and see if we like it - yes we do because it's got xyz. That way they feel connected to you and part of your liking of something as opposed to threatened by it and compared against your nice mug.

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/10/2024 07:49

Yes that’s a good idea. Maybe I’m thinking of it the wrong way round and trying to avoid triggering when what I need to do is help build self esteem up?

The reality is you can't avoid the triggers because it's every day life, it's much better to help kids learn how to know they're being triggered and help them cope with that.

In saying that I wonder if he's projecting his own feelings onto other objects? That can be a safer way of expressing feelings than owning them eg I don't know what to do with this feeling (or it's not safe for me to have feelings) so if it's teddy feeling lonely or scared that's ok. I think showing him how we care for someone who is upset, lonely or scared can reassure him that when he feels like that he too will be taken care of. You can extend that by wondering aloud whether he's ever felt that way and asking him what might have helped and doing that with him.

When kids have very early trauma experiences they can detach from their feelings as a form of protection, it becomes safer to ascribe those feelings to other objects or push them down entirely. I used to do games like show me your happy, sad, angry face while making extreme faces for each emotion, or we'd write stories and make feelings faces,

Depending on the long term plan (ie are they looking at permanence planning etc) doing work on the different types of relationships and how they grow and change might help because he may well move on from you at some point and feel rejected or replaced. He may be trying to communicate with you how unsettled and uncertain he feels which is perfectly reasonable given his situation, so some life story work around what's happened so far and what might come next could be helpful.

Foster carers have such a fine line to tread, but try not to avoid tackling his feelings in ways he can cope with.

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/10/2024 07:51

When kids have very early trauma experiences they can detach from their feelings as a form of protection, it becomes safer to ascribe those feelings to other objects or push them down entirely. I used to do games like show me your happy, sad, angry face while making extreme faces for each emotion, or we'd write stories and make feelings faces,

For context, my kids are adopted and had no language for their own feelings when placed with me.

ReadingInTheRain583 · 18/10/2024 07:56

How long had the child been with you? I think the answer to that may vary suggestions- very different having been with you since the age of say 2yrs vs arrived 2 weeks ago.

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