What would you say? To reception child first experiences of kids being mean

[mindfulmiss]

My 4yo has come home from school repeating some unkind comments he's heard. Just typical nasty things kids say, but it's the first time he's really come across this kind of stuff (peer pressure / bullying type comments) - nothing extreme or anything and all normal kids stuff but new to him.

Anyway what do other parents to their DC when they share this stuff?

Examples;

• He really likes unicorns and had a unicorn sticker on his bag. He came home and said "I don't like unicorns anymore they are only for girls and Lucas said I'm a girl" - rips off sticker.

• in the morning got stressed about getting dressed because Emilio said his trousers were silly and so my son says he doesn't like those trousers anymore.

My responses have been along the lines of - "unicorns are great! Lucas is missing out if he thinks that." And "I love these trousers! And you know what you like. Maybe Emilio likes different things to you".

But I don't feel as if I helped at all! I know this is just the beginning and I work with teenagers so have come across far worse! But... what would you respond?

Maybe ask him what does he think?
And why would "whoever" think that those are for girls. What makes them think that? Does he think that?
How does it make him feel to take off his sticker or not wear his trousers? How would he feel if he left them on?
What would happen if he ignored that person?
Come at it with curiosity which who'll hopefully make him realise he is fine to be himself.

I tell my DD that sometimes kids are mean because they feel sad and bad inside and they want to get it out. And I tell her that sometimes kids upset each other without meaning to.

I also listen and sympathise so she feels heard.

And I do a lot of confidence boosting where I can too.

Seems to be going ok

I know it's cliche but I'm ask him how that made him feel. Let him have little vent about it. And ask him "do you think unicorns are for girls?"

I wouldn't try to persuade him. I'd try to give him space to talk about his feelings and ask him questions to work out his own views on things.

Thanks I really like this. The only thing is his concentration in conversations goes off so we would probably only get through question 1 or 2 on a good day! However it's something to practise and develop.

@mindfulmiss ha, yes. I have a five year old so I know the score.
Good luck. It's so horrible when kids are mean to yours isn't it?

With the whole "boys like x and girls like y", I make sure that my DH and I intentionally counteract those in the house. So my DH shows interest in unicorns and fairies when the kids play, I show interest in trains and cars and we both talk about how colours are for everyone, DH wears pink tshirts, socks etc. In a computer game my DH might play as a female character, and so on. We try to counteract sterotypes wherever possible so that even if the kids are hearing things at school, home is different.

Watch out for signs that your kid is starting to feel genuinely sad and distressed. If you diminish his response to verbal abuse now there’s a risk he’ll withdraw altogether and will stop telling you things because you don’t really do anything about it. Watch out for school refusal down the track, poor sleep, nightmares, bad behavior at home etc. I’m speaking of someone who walked this path and thought I could jockey my kid through.

We very heavily had those this for boys and this is for girls comments coming home when DS started reception. At nursery it didn't seem to happen.
We just kept on with the fact that everyone is allowed to like anything and some people don't like things and that is fine. We are all our own person so can have our own likes and dislikes but it isn't nice to be mean about other peoples choices. We usually put some context in how I like something that Dad doesn't etc or something on the TV he was watching etc.
Eventually my DS has got to the point where he doesn't care if others like what he likes or not.

I was surprised how early the minor bullying started when DS started school because that is what it is really. It's worth just keeping an eye but teachers at that age are usually great at redirecting what could turn into bullying into something positive to learn from. e.g. being positive about other peoples interests etc.

Ask him why other people's opinions on these things are more important than his own. Can't say it is a quick fix, but I do think longer term it has given my older child a greater chance of using his own voice. Also over the top statements to prove how ridiculous it sounds.

Jim doesn't like pokemon, but you do. Why would you deliberately spend your time doing things you like less because Jim says they are better? What is it about pink that means only females can wear it, does that mean I must only wear pink? Ahh I am wearing blue, I must be oy! No? Ok, it can't be related to gender then.

When we had this I taught him to say 'oh get over it John' and that seemed to cover being direct enough and assertive enough without being mean.